Search Results for "place"
Share October 19, 2002's comic on:
Dilbert is home in his bathrobe. He says to Dogbert, "Can you help me weasel out of an impossible assignment?" Dogbert replies, "You came to the right place." Dogbert continues, "Gradually reword the objectives of the project until one day they match what you've already done." Headline: Six Months Later. Dilbert says to The Boss, "I successfully analyzed the feasibility of discontinuing the project." The Boss responds, "Success!"
Share November 11, 2002's comic on:
Dilbert says to a coworker, "...And I need it this afternoon." The coworker replies, "Forget it! I'm a short-timer." The coworker continues, "I plan to sit in this chair and not move my arms or legs for a week. After that, I'll never work another day!" The coworker concludes, "I hesitate to ask this, but I have an itch in an awkward place."
Share May 27, 2004's comic on:
Share September 06, 2008's comic on:
Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources Catbert says, "We're instituting a mandatory stretch period every day." Asok says, "This is surprising because human resources usually doesn't care about employee wellness." Catbert says, "Phase one is just to get you good and flexible. Phase two involves a new place to tuck your head."
Share February 16, 2003's comic on:
Dilbert enters Wally's cubicle and asks, "Do you want to watch a numbing?" Wally responds, "You know I do!" Dilbert and Wally are walking. Wally asks, "Where is it?" Dilbert responds, "Cubicle 15950." Alice comes out of her cubicle and asks, "Are you going to the numbing?" Wally responds, "You know we are!" Wally, Alice, and Dilbert approach Asok. Asok asks, "What is a numbing?" Wally responds, "It's the moment that an employee's brain numbs to the pain of working here." Wally says, "It's actually quite beautiful." Dilbert adds, "No two are alike." A coworker sits at his computer. He exclaims, "I can't take this anymore!! Gaa!! Gaa!!" He pauses and then says, "Ooh." He takes another pause and then asks, "What the...?" The coworker is stiff with his arms out. Wally, Alice, Dilbert, and Asok watch from over the cubicle wall. Asok looks horrified. Dilbert says, "It's okay - he's in a happy place now."
Share August 25, 2013's comic on:
Tags #natural disasters, #disaster preparedness, #famine, #keyboard, #crumbs, #alene invasion, #kill a coworker, #lizard people, #impending collison, #asteroid, #running in place, #earth rotates, #planet, #hit by asteroid, #human flesh, #presentation is a disater
Wally: I've been asked to explain our disaster preparedness plan. In the event of a famine, turn your keyboard upside down and shake. If it's anything like mine, you'll find a pound and a half of crumbs. In the event of an alien invasion, your best bet is to kill a co-worker to show your allegiance to the lizard-people. In the event of an impending collision with an asteroid, try running in place while the Earth rotates. If you time it right, you'll be on the other side of the planet when the asteroid hits. To prepare for every other type of disaster, I recommend cultivating a taste for human flesh. Boss: Your presentation is a disaster. Wally: And next time you'll be prepared for it.
Share February 09, 2014's comic on:
Dilbert: Can you show me how to set up temporary credentials for our web services? Alice: Only if you are prepared for your ritual shaming. Dilbert: Yes, always. Alice: Okay, here it goes. What kind of engineer doesn't know how to set up temporary credentials? Ha ha ha ha! I will tell this story for years! Hey, everyone! Guess what Dilbert doesn't know! That should be enough to poison your well of credibility. Dilbert: This isn't a healthy place. Alice: Then why do I feel so alive?
Share July 15, 2014's comic on:
CEO: When someone takes your picture, the flash spot stays in your vision for a few seconds. I want you to figure out how to place ads on that little spot. Dilbert: That would be a huge personal violation. CEO: Bah! You said the same thing when we took your privacy.
Share March 31, 2017's comic on:
Boss: I need you to attend a meeting in my place. I agreed to the meeting before I realized it would be a total waste of time. Dilbert: This could not be worse. Boss: I might have volunteered to write up the meeting notes.
Share July 17, 2011's comic on:
Dilbert: I'd like to talk about my career path. Boss: Are you sure? Dilbert: Um... yes. I'm sure. Boss: Don't say I didn't warn you. You're within 20% of your maximum career potential. Your future will be just like the present, except you'll be older and you might own a less-embarrassing car. If you go to a new company, you'll like it at first. But in time you'll realize every place is the same. Dilbert: Gaaa!! Take back the truth!1 Lie to me! Boss: Maybe someday our CEO will make such a huge bonus that he'll want to share some of it with you. Dilbert: I hate! Boss: Hey, I'm the guy who tried to spare you from this conversation.