Internet Project Comic Strips - Page 2
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A newsreporter wearing a trenchcoat says into a microphone, "This man used his supercomputer to predict the future of the world." The reporter holds the microphone out and Dilbert says, "Within five years, evil squirrels will conquer the world and make us all slaves in their nut mines." The reporter says, "The squirrels should love this guy." Dilbert adds, "It's based on actual math."
Dilbert sits at his desk. The Boss enters holding a newspaper and says, "There are two good articles in the paper today; one about magnets, and one on sign language." The Boss continues, "I'd like you to write a white paper on how these items could influence the project you're working on." Dilbert asks, "Do you even know what project I'm working on?" The Boss replies, "I don't have time to get into minutia."
Dilbert braces himself against the desk as his arm disappears into the computer. He shouts, "Help! Dogbert, I'm being sucked into cyberspace!" Dilbert's head and torso disappear into the computer and he screams. Dogbert grabs his pants. Dilbert is gone, but Dogbert holds his pants. He says, "Let's hope you don't need pants in cyberspace." Dilbert floats through a strange world. He thinks, "Wow! It's like a 'Calvin and Hobbes' fantasy but without the artistic look to it." Dilbert thinks, "It's beautiful! I'm interacting with the minds of brilliant people from around the globe." A sign that says "Internet" points to the right. Dilbert floats past an "E-mail" sign. He thinks, "I can see how all their ideas and knowledge fit together! It's exhilarating!" Dilbert floats toward the exit and thinks, "How can I ever describe this to somebody who hasn't been here?" Dilbert tells a woman, ". . . And I didn't even need pants!" The woman replies, "So, you're some kind of nerd, right?"
Dilbert says to a man, "Hi, Tim. What are you working on these days?" Tim replies, "A secret project." Tim continues, "Very, very secret. Confidential and proprietary. Real hush-hush." Dilbert says, "It sounds important." Tim points a gun at Dilbert and says, "Just move along."
Dilbert says to a classroom of children, "The goal of every engineer is to retire without getting blamed for a major catastrophe." Dilbert continues, "Engineers prefer to work as 'consultants' on project teams. That way there's no real work, blame is spread across the group, and you can crush any idea from marketing!" Dilbert continues, ". . . And sometimes you get free donuts just for showing up!" The teacher says, "Get out of my classroom."
The Boss, Dilbert, Wally and Ted sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "As you know, all projects are assigned acronyms. Unfortunately, all the good ones have been used." The Boss says, "Any new project will have to use an acronym from this short list of somewhat less desirable choices." Dilbert asks, "What should I call my new project?" The Boss replies, "Well, you could use 'PHLEGM' or 'PLACENTA.'"
Dilbert sits at his desk working on his computer. The Boss says, "Yesterday we ran out of acronyms. Today we used our last accounting code. We're in big trouble." Dilbert asks, "Why don't we just reprogram the computers to accept longer codes?" The Boss replies, "A project like that would need an acronym and an accounting code." Dilbert asks, "Why not reuse a code from a project that's complete?" The Boss says, "Oddly enough, we've never completed a project."
The Boss and Dilbert stand in front of a room of people. The Boss says, "The award for best attendance goes to Dilbert." Dilbert says, "I'd like to thank the people who made this possible." Dilbert continues, "First, I'd like to thank the women in the company who have rejected me over the years . . ." Dilbert continues, "Because of them I have no germ-riddled children to infect me." Dilbert continues, "And thanks to my co-workers for never telling me about important meetings, thus keeping my germ exposure to a minimum." Dilbert continues, "And thanks to my boss for never assigning a project important enough to induce stress and weaken my immune system." Dilbert continues, "But what makes this award special is that each of you had to get sick in order for me to win." Dilbert arrives at home and says, "When you have your health, you have everything, Dogbert." Dogbert replies, "No, you also have to gloat."
The Boss says to an employee, "Your new project will have no budget and no management support. Expect to spend most of your time giving status reports." The man's head disappears and he thinks, "Oh no! The life force has been drained out of me! I'm becoming a damp rag!!!" Dilbert looks at the floor and says, "That's amazing." The Boss replies, "It's nothing. I did eighteen at once at the employee empowerment brunch."
Dilbert and Wally sit at a conference table with a man from marketing. The man says, "You engineers have done NOTHING on my project. You just keep saying I haven't given you sufficient requirements!" The man throws his arms up in frustration and says, "I don't know what else you need and you won't tell me what you need!! Is this just your way of avoiding work??!" Wally replies, "I'll bet you regret choosing marketing as a career path." Dilbert adds, "It looks like a lot of work."