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The Boss says to an employee, "The employee surveys indicate some dissatisfaction in my group. That affects my pay." The Boss continues as the man frowns, "You're my grumpiest employee, so I'm going to fire you to bring up my average score for morale." The Boss walks away thinking, "I think I'm getting better at all the touchy-feely stuff."
Tags #avoid completing, #do it right, #does anything, #fear of mistakes, #higher quality, #inspire, #morale low, #new philosophy, #paralyzed, #punish anybody, #realize mistakes, #value opinion, #victims
Wally, Dilbert, Alice and the Boss sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "Our new philosophy is 'We do it right the first time.'" The Boss continues, "This will inspire you to higher quality because you'll realize mistakes are not tolerated." Dilbert says, "Question." Dilbert asks, "Since mistakes are inevitable, wouldn't your philosophy
The Boss, Wally and Dilbert sit around a conference table. The Boss says, "That's an interesting suggestion, Wally. But if it's a good idea, why aren't other companies doing it?" Waving his hands wildly, Wally yells angrily, "Can you imagine in your WILDEST dreams that maybe, just MAYBE I had a good idea that nobody else thought of?!!" The Boss comments, "You must have seen it in a book." Wally says, "Thanks for the confidence in my abilities." Dilbert interjects, "You read a book?"
The Boss shouts at Wally and Dilbert, "Profits are down, morale is sinking; it's time for bold leadership!!" The Boss holds up some posters and continues, "So I got some inspirational posters featuring a variety of relevant nature scenes." The Boss shows the poster to Wally and Dilbert and says, "I think you can relate to this scene." Wally asks, "Am I the seagull or the clam?"
The Boss peers into Dilbert's cubicle and asks, "Could you do a demo of the new product for our VP next week?" Dilbert says, "Well . . . That would delay the ship date, lower morale and create an unending demand for more unproductive demos . . ." Dilbert continues, "Logically, since your objective is to show that we're doing valuable work . . ." The Boss interrupts, "And we'll need a banner that says 'Quality.'"
Dilbert stands with his arms extended and says to the Boss, "I'm paralyzed with fear because of the pending merger." Dilbert continues, "Thanks to your leadership I've gone from being unmotivated to being inert." Dilbert says, "I think I'm advancing to the next phase. Hello, rigor mortis!! Take me, I'm ready!!" The Boss walks away thinking, "It might be time for a morale-boosting potluck lunch."
The Boss says to Dilbert, Alice and Wally, "I'm assigning each of you to a separate 'quality' initiative." Wally asks, "Is there any risk this will devour our productive hours, lower our morale and have no impact on our profitability?" The Boss says, "And we'll have a contest to come up with a name for the overall initiative." Wally asks, "How about 'Qualicide?'"
The Boss, Dilbert, Wally and Alice sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "If we are to succeed, you must become change masters in an ever-changing, change-adaptive environment." Wally says, "Let me get this straight . . . Every change seems to increase our workload while decreasing our job security and real earnings after inflation . . ." Wally asks, "And the problem is OUR lack of flexibility?" The Boss replies, "Not entirely. There's also your bad morale."
Catbert stands on the Boss's desk and says, "Morale is low because the employees are underpaid." Catbert continues, "You can compensate by having more frequent performance reviews. They love feedback." Catbert clenches his teeth and thinks, "The hardest part is keeping a straight face." The Boss says, "Tell me again why I'd want morale to be high?"
The Boss says, "Good news, Alice. I'm going to have quarterly performance reviews to boost morale." Alice stands in her cubicle and replies, "Wow! In addition to working sixteen hours a day in this big box, now I'll get 300% more criticism!" The Boss says, "I'll have a chance to hear employee concerns four times a year." Alice says, "I assume comprehension will remain on the bicentennial plan."