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Dilbert stands in front of the Boss's desk and says, "I'll prove I deserve to be promoted to 'Technical Prima Donna.'" Dilbert sprays the Boss with a fire extinguisher and says, "I think this shows that I'm emotionally unstable and potentially dangerous." Dilbert asks, "How was that?" The Boss says from under a pile of foam, "It was good. I'm starting to over-value your technical knowledge already."
Ratbert stands in front of the television. An announcer asks, "Are you tired of fad diets and fad exercise devices?" Ratbert replies, "Yes, I am!" Dogbert appears in the commercial and says, "Then buy my book and get the revolutionary Joggerobic Carpet Patch for only $19.95 plus shipping and handling." Dogbert continues, "To prove it works, we photographed an actual athlete." Ratbert says, "Pictures don't lie!"
Dilbert: Im getting performance anxiety at the automated teller machine. I feel the impatient glare of the stranger behind me. I try to prove competent by speeding through the menus. Good Lord, I hit the mandarin chinese language option. Oh no! I think I transferred my life savings to the "United way" Great...now his truck eyeballs are stuck to the back of my neck. This is exactly why I hate going to the automated teller. Dogbert: I think a little "visine" would make him slide right off. Dilbert: There was a time I could afford that...
Dilbert: "Exhibit 'A' is my empty lunch bag, last seen full." "Only the people in this room had the motive and the opportunity." "Inspector Dogbert will investigate." Dogbert: "Sniff. You were in the mail room with Willy the mail boy all morning. You are innocent." "Sort of." "Sniff. I give you a 'C+' for hygiene but you did not take the lunch." "Sniff. Bologna...potato chips...carrot sticks...ha!!!" "This is the thief who took the decoy lunch...which we laced with synthetic female hormones!" Wally: "You can't prove anything!" Dogbert: "Is there something you'd like to get off your chest?"
The Boss, Dilbert and a male employee sit around a conference table. The Boss says, "Okay, so we shipped a million keyboards that don't have the letter 'Q.' What do we do?" The man says, "We could offer free upgrades to users who can prove they need a 'Q.'" The Boss asks, "How many users need a 'Q?'" The man answers, "Well . . . there's the royal family . . ."
The Boss, Wally and Dilbert sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "It's status report time where each of you gets to prove what poor communicators you are while I act interested!" The Boss continues, "Remember to use lots of acronyms that only you understand. And speak in a whiny monotone that makes us all want to slap you!" Wally says, "I'm starting to lose my idealism."
Wally stands in front of the Boss's desk. The Boss says, "Wally, I've decided to move your project due date up a month." Wally responds angrily, "Every time it looks like I'll reach an objective, you move it! What does this prove about my performance?" The Boss answers, "It proves I'm better at setting objectives than you are at achieving them."
The Boss, Wally and Dilbert sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "I just got our consultant's report. He's identified our biggest problem." Wally says, "I recommend that we build a tracking database." Dilbert adds, "We can put it on the network." The Boss asks, "Would you like to hear what the problem is first?" Wally says, "I hate to dwell on the negative." Dilbert adds, "We like databases."
Ratbert stands on the Boss's desk and says, "I'd be perfect for the job in quality assurance. Here's my resume." The Boss looks at the resume and asks, "Are you bothered by the fact that half of your words are spelled wrong?" Ratbert replies, "Nope! I'm not even bothered by your anal-retentive behavior." The Boss says, "You're hired. Your bonus will equal negative 100% of your base salary, okay?" Ratbert says, "I don't see any problem with that."
Alice asks Dilbert, "What are you doing in the marketing department?" Dilbert pulls a cubicle wall and replies, "It's an experiment." Dilbert explains, "I sneak down here once a week and move this guy's cubicle wall in by a quarter-inch." A man with a briefcase tries to squeeze into a tiny cubicle. Alice asks, "What's this experiment going to prove?" Dilbert replies, "I forget. It's been a long time."