Totally Accurate Comic Strips - Page 2

You can also use "quotes" and & to narrow down results.

190 Results for Totally Accurate

View 11 - 20 results for totally accurate comic strips. Discover the best "Totally Accurate" comics from Dilbert.com.

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 02, 1993's comic on:


Tags #Dogbert, #Dilbert, #noriko, #plaent, #account, #ability, #contract

View Transcript

Transcript

Dogbert, Dilbert and Noriko sit on a park bench. Noriko yells at Dilbert, "You adults have totally messed up the planet!! Where's the accountability??!" Noriko continues, "You know our implied social contract! You take care of the kids, then we take care of you when you're old. That's how it's supposed to work." Dilbert says, "Well, I . . ." Noriko yells, "The deal is OFF!!"

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 24, 1993's comic on:


Tags #Dilbert, #garbageman, #security guard, #stealing

View Transcript

Transcript

A security guard says, "Have a nice night, Dilbert." The guard continues, "You can rest easy knowing I'll be guarding the building all night." The security guard continues, "To a criminal, this place must look like a big ol' shopping mall." The guard continues, "The cubicles are like little stores, each with it's own selection of quality merchandise." The guard continues, "If you knew where to look, you could get picture frames, postage stamps, clocks, and even footwear." Dilbert replies, "Oddly enough, you and the janitor are the only ones here at night, and yet my snack drawer keeps getting emptied." The security guard looks guilty and says, "It's totally inexplicable. Well, good night." The janitor asks the guard, "Shall we head over to 'Chez Dilbert'?" The security guard replies, "Later . . . There's a sale at 'Wally's Shoe World.'"

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 29, 1994's comic on:


Tags #less you know, #happier, #struggle, #computer, #naked, #clueless, #annoying, #feeling good, #technology

View Transcript

Transcript

RatBert: "The less you know, the happier you are." "While you struggle with that computer, I'm naked, clueless and f-e-e-e-ling good!" Dilbert: "You're really annoying me now." Ratbert: "Totally naked! Isn't that a hoot?"

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 02, 1994's comic on:


Tags #process engineering consultant, #totally objective, #dont care, #right attitude, #flowing robe, #cherubs

View Transcript

Transcript

Dogbert: "You should hire me as your process reengineering consultant." "I would be totally objective about what jobs to eliminate. Frankly, I don't care about anybody at your company!" Dilbert: "You've got the right attitude." Dogbert: "I think I'll wear a flowing robe and surround myself with cherubs."

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 22, 1994's comic on:


Tags #project plan, #every resource, #task, #dependency, #road map, #two weeks, #tasks, #two weeks late, #dependencies are wrong, #estimates, #to be determined, #ransom numbers, #redo whole plan

View Transcript

Transcript

Man: "Let's spend the next four hours reviewing the project plan." "I've detailed every resource, task and dependency into an exquisitely accurate road map." "It took me two weeks, but it's the only way to make sure we're not wasting time." Alice: "My tasks are two weeks late because I was waiting for your input." Dilbert: "And you left off one task, so all the dependencies are wrong." Wally: "I'm changing all of my estimate to 'to be determined'." Dilbert: "Can we do that? I've just been using random numbers." Man: "I'll have to redo the whole plan." Wally: "Don't worry. We won't do anything until we hear from you."

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 10, 1994's comic on:


Tags #work harder, #box, #cucbicle, #totally unmanageable

View Transcript

Transcript

The Boss: Work harder or I'll have you put in the 'box'. Dilbert: Really? I thought I was already in the box. is the box bigger than my cubicle. The Boss: These people are totally unmanageable,

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 29, 1994's comic on:


Tags #new strategy, #tech support, #that customers, #user manual, #defective products

View Transcript

Transcript

The Boss: Our new strategy is to make defective products and charge for technical support. Heh- heh ...our user manual is totally incomprehensible. we didn't plan it that way - we were lucky, Dilbert: Im so proud to be here. The Boss: It all came together when I realized I hate our customers.

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 09, 1995's comic on:


Tags #fourth day, #telecommuting, #clothes useless, #struck by question, #monkeys, #beards, #discuss issue, #attendance low, #around table, #introduce

View Transcript

Transcript

Dilbert sits at his desk at home. He is naked. He types in his daily log, "On my forth day of telecommuting I realize that clothes are totally unnecessary." Dilbert strokes his unshaven face and thinks, "Hey!" The log reads, "Suddenly I am struck by a question: why don't monkeys grow beards?" The log reads, "I call a meeting to discuss the issue but attendance is low." Dilbert sits at a conference table with Ratbert. Dilbert reads from a document, "Issue one: monkey beards." Ratbert says, "Let's go around the table and introduce ourselves."

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 07, 1995's comic on:


Tags #improve career, #ceo, #refer first name, #recent meeting, #rule, #iron fist, #funny dog

View Transcript

Transcript

Dilbert and Dogbert are sitting on the couch. Dogbert says, "Try this little trick to improve your career . . ." Dogbert continues, "Anytime you want something your way, simply refer to your CEO by his first name and say he gave you directions during your very recent meeting." Dogbert continues, "It's totally unverifiable. People will fear you and do as you say. You'll rule with an iron fist!" Dilbert responds, "You're a funny little dog."

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 20, 1995's comic on:


Tags #new software interface, #operating system, #new hardware, #anti gravity, #packaging, #reaction, #perfromance review

View Transcript

Transcript

The Boss walks by and Dilbert says to him, "Please don't promise the product manager more than we can deliver." The product manager says to the Boss, "We need a totally new software interface in one month." The Boss replies, "You got it!" The woman continues, "And rewrite the operating system so we dominate the industry." The Boss says, "Concurrent development. Check." The woman thinks, "Suddenly I feel omnipotent." She stands up and says, "I want all new hardware, anti-gravity packaging, holographic agents . . ." The Boss yawns. The manager asks, "Can your team really do that in a month?" The Boss replies, "Let me get their reaction." The Boss shows Wally a document. Wally screams and his skull pops out of his mouth. Wally lies on the floor twitching. The Boss says, "Pessimism will not look good on your permformance review."