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CEO: You might be wondering why I called this meeting. Dilbert: Well, I see a CEO, a company lawyer, and two salespeople. Those jobs are highly correlated with psychopathy. My guess is that you invited me here to disembowel me. CEO: It was rhetorical!
Boss: We need to foster more of a start-up culture to drive innovation. Dilbert: So we get to dress casually, work flex hours, feel that our work is valued, and get equity in the company. Boss: What would be the name of a culture where people work hard but don't get any of those things you just mentioned.
Catbert: The first question on the employee survey is... Do you feel you are valued and treated with respect and dignity? Dilbert: Well, let me put it this way... you know how sometimes you step in something gross and then you have to wipe it off your shoe with a paper towel? Catbert: So... you feel like the paper towel? Dilbert: No, the paper towel has a purpose. Catbert: So... you feel like the gross stuff on the shoe? Dilbert: No, the gross stuff gets to leave. I feel like a shoe that has gross stuff on the bottom and a sweaty foot shoved all the way to the end of its sole. Catbert: I'll leave this one blank. Dilbert: Because my opinions don't matter?
Dilbert: Your second paragraph is pointless and confusing. Let's just delete it. Tina: I'm a highly trained technical writer. What makes you think you can do my job better? Dilbert: That might be a trick questions, but I'm pretty sure the answer is paragraph two.
The Boss says, "I need you to work on a highly confidential project." The Boss says, "When you're done, I want you to dig your own shallow grave and beat yourself to death with the shovel." Dilbert says, "Why does it feel as if my entire career has been preparation for this project?" The Boss says, "You're welcome."
Man says, "I need you to assign one of your engineers to my project." The Boss says, "Follow me and I'll show you your choices." The Boss says, "This one is highly capable, but she's in such high demand that you'll be lucky if she ever returns a call." The Boss says, "This one is aggressively unhelpful." The Boss says, "This one will tell you that all of your plans are impractial and doomed." The Boss says, "That one is an intern, so no one takes him seriously." The Boss says, "My management theory is that nature makes everyone useless in their own way." Man says, "I'm not useless." The Boss says, "Said the man who can't find a good engineer."
Dilbert says, "My insolence safety zone has expanded." The boss says, "Your what?" Dilbert says, "It's a measure of how rude I can be without fear of consequences." Dilbert says, "You have no budget to give me a raise, so I have no potential gain from acting professionally." Dilbert says, "And it would be inconvinient for you to fire a highly experienced engineer and try to bring a new one up to speed." Dilbert says, "So from now on, when you ask me to do something stupid, which is most of the time..." Dilbert says, "I'll roll my eyes, make a dismissive grunt and do this dance." Phhhht! Dilbert says, "Hey walla-walla walla! Boopita boopita boopita!" Dilbert says, "You finally raised my morale. Good work on that."
Catbert says, "Do you want to lay off the highly skilled, whiny jerk who is toxic to the workplace or?" Catbert says, "?The pleasant but incompetent guy who will lead us to ruination?" Catbert says, "This got harder after we fired all of the unskilled, whiny jerks." The boss says, "Which one is uglier?"
Dogbert says, "the Dogbert outsourcing company has a solution for every budget." Dogbert says, "At the deluxe level you get highly educated Indian who speak perfect English." The boss says, "Sounds pricey." The boss says, "Let me see?at my budget level we can get..." The boss says, "...One illiterate Elbonian with poor attendance and an anger management problem." the boss says, "Stupid economy." the boss says, "I'll take him." Dogbert says, "I should warn you that he handles several accounts... and he doesn't know he has a job." Elbonian says, "Why does everyone keep calling me and complaining?! I hate your guts!"
The boss says, "We're changing the name of our staffing group to 'Talent acquisition.'" the boss says, "This reflects our new focus on hiring only highly talented people." Dilbert says, "Doesn't that imply that your current employees are inferior to the ones you plan to hire?" The boss says , "Sort of." Dilbert says, "And since you routinely fire the worst performing employees..." Dilbert says, "you have just sealer our doom while expecting us to remain loyal to the company." Wally says, "now all I can thin k about are ways to vandalize the servers before I become homeless." The boss says, "I over-communicated again."