dilbert in doctor's office.
dilbert: i think i have social media poisoning. it makes me feel defensive and angry all the time, but i can't quit.
doctor: you've gained five pounds.
dilbert yelling: you fat-shaming quack!
dilbert: i wrote a software patch that will save three million dollars per year. i feel as if i deserve a bonus or a raise.
boss: when did you do it?
dilbert: this week.
boss: how long did we have the problem?
dilbert: five years.
boss: then you should have fixed it five years ago. looks like a gigantic failure to me. you should be ashamed of yourself.
in another room
catbert: did you try my strategy for keeping payroll expenses low?
boss: works like magic.
boss: i have a bad case of imposter syndrome. i feel as if i'm only pretending to be a good manager, and someday everyone will find out it's an act.
dilbert: if it makes you feel any better, we figured that out a while ago.
alice: have you ever considered trying polyamory? instead of not having one girl-friend, you could not have two.
dilbert: that would feel like progress.
alice: you're welcome.
Man: I keep telling people how to do their jobs, but no one takes my advice.
Wally: Maybe that's because you are so inexperienced that you don't realize how bad your advice is. That's ridiculous. How could I be so wrong and yet feel so confident?
Wally: I miss being young.
wally: i decided to try my hand at writing fiction. i like writing fiction because it doesn't require any research. i can literally make up a story out of nothing. i feel sorry for nonfiction writers. they have to get the facts right. but a fiction writer only has to use imagination. i can make any wild assumptions about the future that i want. boss: i asked you here to talk about your budget forecast. wally: that's what i was talking about.
boss: are you enjoying your new cubicles? alice: my old cubicle had a window view. my new cubicle is in a windowless room with gray walls. it's always too cold, and i'm surrounded by noisy people i dislike. i feel anxious, unhealthy, and depressed all day long. thanks to the office relocation, my life has become a rapid descent into madness. boss: on the plus side, we saved five precent in rent. no one ever likes to hear about the plus side.
dogbert to dilbert: this is my service human.
office worker on leash.
dogbert: whenever i feel angry, i slap him with a rolled-up magazine to help me relax.
service human: no one reads magazines anymore.
dogbert: can i borrow your iPad?
the boss: can you reach out to carl and touch base?
dilbert: can you restate that using normal words?
the boss: i could, but then it would feel as if i'm not managing you.
Tina: How reliable are your ten-year financial projections?
Dilbert: They are as reliable as all other ten-year financial predictions.
Tina: Okay, good.
Dilbert: Why do I feel guilty every time I talk at work?
