One Billion Comic Strips - Page 2
1000 Results for One Billion
View 11 - 20 results for one billion comic strips. Discover the best "One Billion" comics from Dilbert.com.
Share May 12, 2019's comic on:
ceo: ned won 't return any of my messages. ceo: fire him the boss: i can't do that. the boss holding hands out: ned is indispensable. ceo: what makes him indispensable? the boss: he's the only one who knows how to fix bugs in our system. ceo: what system? the boss: i don't know. ceo: then how do you know he's indispensable? the boss: ned told me. ceo: fire him anyway. dilbert: ned quit two years ago.
Share May 05, 2019's comic on:
alice: i need a new chair. mine is broken. the boss: you can use my old chair. i just got a new one. alice: the chair you sat in every day for the past twelve years? alice: by now that chair cushion is home to a thriving colony of your cooties. alice: that chair will be off--gassing you for decades. alice: i wouldn't touch that thing unless i were wearing a hazmat suit over my other hazmat suit. alice: i'm breaking into a flop sweat just thinking about it, and i think it's triggering my allergies. the boss: would you like to borrow my hand-kerchief? alice is visually in a daze.
Share May 01, 2019's comic on:
the boss: i just got word that we're about to start a two-step reorg. the boss: in step one, we will centralize functions. then, in step two, we will realize it was a huge mistake and reorganize back to the old way. ted: why don't we just keep it the way it is? dilbert: first day?
Share April 19, 2019's comic on:
the boss: wally, i received 43 complaints that you have been clipping your toenails in the office. the boss: you have single-handedly destroyed all productivity on the floor. wally: in my defense, it takes two hands if you count the one holding the toe.
Share April 08, 2019's comic on:
dilbert: our product name turns out to be offensive in the elbonian language. dilbert: it means "one who rips off his own facial hair and feeds it to a baby bird, which chokes and dies, signaling years of drought." the boss: that's all in one word? dilbert: they only have seventeen words, and nine of them are insults.
Share April 07, 2019's comic on:
tina: i don't appreciate the sarcastic text message you sent me. dilbert: that wasn't sarcastic. tina: yes, it was. dilbert: wouldn't i be a better authority than you about my own intentions? tina: only if i could trust you. but i can't trust you. dilbert: give me one good reason why you shouldn't trust me. tina: because you send sarcastic text messages. dilbert: um... tina: and here comes the mansplaining.
Share April 02, 2019's comic on:
dilbert: i engineered a totally safe design for nuclear power plants. ceo: how sure are you that it is safe? dilbert: one hundred percent. ceo: just keep it away from my town. dilbert: maybe it wasn't an engineering problem after all.
Share April 01, 2019's comic on:
dilbert: i invented a new type of nuclear power that has zero risk. dilbert: it can be built in one day for less that a thousand dollars and it can power a small city. the boss visually upset and yelling: get that thing out of here! dilbert: i expect it will be hard to sell.
Share March 18, 2019's comic on:
Boss: I was doing some research on the internet... Dilbert: Uh-oh. Boss: And I learned that there is a secret cia base inside the sun, but no one is talking about it. Dilbert: Maybe you shouldn't do research on the internet. Boss: Why are you afraid of the truth?
Share February 25, 2019's comic on:
Dogbert the Internet Debate Coach Dogbert: Never give reasons for your opinions. That only gives your opponent fodder for proving you're an idiot. Asok: Then how can I win a debate on social media? Dogbert: No one knows. It has never been done.