Saved By Prayer Comic Strips - Page 2
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The boss: We were saved from the abyss by a last minute injection of capital from an overseas investor. They're some sort of cartel. We weren't in a position to ask a lot of questions. They want each of you to fly to Colombia and bring back a package... and you can't use your hands.
The Boss says, "I saved a fortune by personally negotiating the contract for our new ERP system." Dilbert says, "You bought outdated hardware and forgot several components that are required." Dilbert says, "And I like software with my hardware, but that's just me."
The boss: "I can't give you a raise because you ask me too many questions." "That's a sign that you can't do your job." Dilbert: "I anticipated your misperception and prepared for it." "I saved all of my e-mails and matched them to your policies and procedures." "For example, this is your e-mail saying we need your permission to buy software." "And here's my e-mail asking if I can buy some software." "Should I run through the other seven hundred documented examples?" The Boss: "There you go asking another question."
"I'm thinking about buying a more fuel efficient car." "Why?" "It's my patriotic duty to reduce this country's dependency on foreign sources of oil." "Why?" "Because then the countries that hate us will have less money to fund terrorists." "Actually, developing countries would buy the oil you saved, thus adequately funding those same terrorists." "At least I wouldn't be funding them myself." "Oil is a fungible commodity. The capitalist system virtually guarantees that you'll end up buying the lowest cost oil from sources unknown to you." "Well, maybe, but I want my car to make a statement." "And the statement would be 'Hey, everyone, I don't understand what fungible means!'"
"Remember to include my name on the patent application." "Why? You didn't help." "That's ridiculous! I've been helping you design that thing for months!" "I saved all three of your e-mails. Allow me to read them." "'Dude, is something wrong with your brain?'" "Later: 'Hey, Dilweed, maybe you should replace the backplane with a gizmo.'" "Then my personal favorite: 'Dilbag, I'm glad you took my advice to leave the backplane alone.'" "That's my way of helping." "It's great. You should patent it."
The Boss introduces a new employee to Dilbert, "We saved money by hiring a guy who's had many personal problems." The Boss continues, "But we're sure he was just unlucky. No one would invite that many problems into his life." The new employee's cell phone rings. The new employee says into his cell phone, "Yes, of course your ex-boyfriend can stay with us until the choppers leave and he sobers up."
Extreme Programming. Wally and Dilbert are sitting at one computer. The Boss approaches and says, "The two of you will be a code-writing team." The Boss continues, "Studies prove that two programmers on one computer is the most productive arrangement." Dilbert types with a furrowed brow. Wally says, "Sometimes I can whistle through both nostrils. I've saved a fortune in harmonicas."
Alice addresses a meeting, "If there are no objections, I'd like to start the meeting with a prayer." Asok starts, "I'm a...." Alice prays, "Yea, though I walk through the valley of idiots, I shall fear no downsizing." Asok starts, "But I'm..." Alice continues praying, "For I have a fist of death and highly marketable job skills." Alice continues praying, "But my investment portfolio isn't doing as well as I'd hoped." Alice continues praying, "So, if it's not too much to ask..." Alice continues praying, "I need a higher return so I can escape these clowns." Alice exclaims, "And live in splendor while they stew in their own bile!" After the prayer, The Boss responds, "Maybe we won't do this again." Alice responds, "Whatever you say, heathen."
A man with a wizard suit, holding an animal-headed staff says to The Boss, "I'd like permission to hold daily prayer services in a conference room." The man continues, "I'll do it before work and of course I'll clean up any blood." The man continues, "So far I'm the only member of my religion but I have ambitious plans for brainwashing."
The Boss says to his staff, "I saved the money by buying a used consulting report." The Boss continues, "We're going to give the exclusive rights for something called DOS to something called Microsoft." The Boss adds, "I have a good feeling about this."