Statement Comic Strips - Page 2

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34 Results for Statement

View 11 - 20 results for statement comic strips. Discover the best "Statement" comics from Dilbert.com.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #buzzwords, #strung together, #same status reprt, #every week, #eleven years, #mission statement

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The Boss says to Wally, "Wally, your status report is just a bunch of buzzwords strung together." Wally replies, "I've been giving you that same status report every week for eleven years." Wally continues, "Five years ago you adopted it as our mission statement."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #paper weight, #mission statement, #sun, #fire, #cubicle fire, #mug, #water, #shards

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A disheveled coworker with smoke effusing from his head says to Dilbert and Wally, "Sorry I'm late." The coworker continues, "I left my mission statement paperweight in the sun and it set my cubicle on fire." The coworker continues, "I tried to douse it using my "We are Quality" mug but the handle broke and I got shards."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #ceo, #smashed pay, #share the pain, #six million to four, #sandwich bag underwear, #intern is poor

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The Boss says to Asok and Dilbert, "Our CEO has voluntarily slashed his pay from six million per year to four." The Boss continues, "In a written statement he said he wants to 'share the pain.' The Boss asks, "Do you feel better now?" Asok replies, "I make my own underwear from sandwich bags."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #lower costs, #retirement package, #smart employees, #rewrite mission statement, #fit better, #retired by now

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Catbert is sitting on The Boss' desk. The Boss says, "First, we'll lower costs by offering a retirement package that induces all the smart employees to leave." The Boss continues, "Then we'll rewrite our mission statement to make it fit better." Dilbert says to Dogbert, "Our new mission statement is, 'If you can read this you should have retired by now." Dogbert replies, "Ouch."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #marketing to planning meeting, #sabotage implementation, #hose the plan, #implementation, #same reason for children

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Dilbert is at the Boss's desk. The Boss tells Dilbert: "Don't invite marketing to the planning meeting." Dilbert replies: "If I don't, they'll sabotage the implementation." The Boss says: "Yes, but if you DO include them in the planning..." Dilbert finishes the Boss's thought: "...they'll hose the plan?" The Boss confirms Dilbert's statement: "Exactly." The Boss continues: "And they'll still botch the implementation." Dilbert asks: "If we know it's doomed, why do we bother?" The Boss answers: "It's the same reason I had kids." Dilbert thinks to himself while walking away: "At least there is a reason."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #talent, #professionalism, #commence failing, #vision statement, #big stubborn guy

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Dilbert sits at a conference table between a women and the big stubborn guy. dilbert says, "You've all been chosen for this team because of y our talent and professionalism." Dilbert says, "Except for Dan, who is a big stubborn guy who will prevent our success." Dilbert says, "Shall we commence failing?" Dan says, "I can't do work without a vision statement."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #pompous airbag, #deflate, #arrogance, #tricvia, #intelligence, #elbonia, #wet laundry, #chewy casserole

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Dogbert stands outside of a cubicle with a memo in hand and asks, "Are you the pompous airbag of the office?" Man in the cubicle answers, "Indeed." Dogbert says to the man, "I've been asked to deflate you." Dogbert continues, "My sources tell me that you combine arrogance with trivia and try to pass it off as intelligence." The man exclaims, "That's because I'm surrounded by fools who don't even know the capital of Elbonia!" Dogbert displays the memo to the man and says, " I have a signed statement from your wife..." Dogbert continues, "...that you put wet laundry in the oven last night." The man looks into his computer screen while thinking to himself, "That explains the chewy casserole she served me this morning."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #overdosing, #anti depressants, #induce vomiting, #mission statement, #ten times salary, #heaving, #alice punching

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Wally, Alice, and Dilbert are meeting. Wally says, "Alice is overdosing on antidepressants." Dilbert says, "We must induce vomiting." Wally holds a piece of paper in front of Alice's face. Wally says, "Look at our mission statement, Alice. The people who wrote it earn ten times your salary." Dilbert comes home disheveled. Dilbert says to Dogbert, "The plan worked perfectly, up to the point where all three of us were having and Alice was punching us."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #dogbert mutual fund, #earnings report, #steal investors money, #compare perfromance, #common assumptions

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Dogbert works at a computer. Behind him, Dilbert says, "Is it hard to write an earnings report after you steal the investor's money?" Dogbert says, "Nah." Dogbert says, "I'll compare my performance to the S&P 500 under a common set of assumptions." Dilbert walks away and says, "Oh." A woman says to her husband, "How did our Dogbert fund do?" The husband looks at the earnings statement and says, "Ten percent better than the S&P 500 if it were also managed by an unscrupulous dog."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #project sparkle, #desk policy, #company wide effoert, #tiny question, #curious, #top executives, #competitive threat, #panic, #lone voice of reason, #paper towles, #laminated card, #mission statement

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At a meeting, The Boss says, "Announcing Project 'Sparkle', the clean desk policy." The Boss says, "This is a company wide effort to keep our work spaces clean." Alice says, "Tiny question. I'm curious about one thing." Alice says, "I'm picturing our top executives in the 'War Room.'" Alice waves her arms wildly and says, "They talk about the competitive threat and our lack of resources. Suddenly, panic sets in!!" Alice is wide eyed and finishes, "A lone voice of reason penetrates the confusion. Two words: Paper towels." Alice asks, "Is that pretty much how it went?" The Boss says, "Moving along. Each of you get a laminated card with our mission statement." Wally puts his arm out to restrain Alice and says, "Let me do this one." Dilbert just watches it go by. The only reason he's here is because his name is on the strip.