Asks Dilbert Comic Strips - Page 2

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View 11 - 20 results for asks dilbert comic strips. Discover the best "Asks Dilbert" comics from Dilbert.com.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #Dilbert, #new guy, #productive, #bureaucracy, #savants, #Wally

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Wally asks Dilbert, "How's the new guy doing?" Dilbert replies, "He's extremely productive." Dilbert says as they watch a man at a desk wildly tossing documents over his shoulder, "We think he's one of those bureaucracy savants."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #Dilbert, #alice, #patent, #co workers

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Alice asks, "Dilbert, would you add my name to your patent application?" Dilbert asks, "Why should I?" Alice replies, "I would consider upgrading your status from 'co-worker' to 'friend I never see outside of work.'" Dilbert asks, "Would we eat lunch together?" Alice replies, "No, but I'll pencil you in and cancel at the last minute."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #Dilbert, #Dogbert, #twitch, #feet, #sleep, #dreaming, #chasing, #cars, #saint, #schedule, #lackey, #pushing, #whiney, #ugly, #people, #catholic, #church

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Dilbert watches Dogbert sleeping on the hassock. He thinks, "Why do dogs twitch their feet when they sleep?" Dilbert thinks, "It's so cute. They must be dreaming about chasing cars." In Dogbert's dream, he stands on a throne and says, "Ha ha! I am Saint Dogbert! Line up to kiss my feet, you knaves!" Saint Dogbert asks Dilbert, "What's on my schedule today, lackey?" Dilbert looks at the schedule and says, "You'll be pushing whiney, ugly people into mud at nine." Dilbert continues, "Then, you'll tease cats about their grooming methods until ten." Dogbert says, "Good, good." Dilbert says, "Then you'll raise taxes, go to lunch, and take the rest of the day off." Dogbert wakes up and thinks, "Reality: what a gyp."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #Dilbert, #Kids, #school, #president, #united states, #basic, #knowledge, #north america, #sarcasm, #Trivia, #sense, #m.c. hammer, #pitiful, #shocking, #important

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Dilbert holds a microphone and says to the reader, "Why are kids so dumb? Have the schools failed? Let's talk to a typical youth." Dilbert asks a boy, "Who was the sixth president of the United States?" The boy replies, "Who cares?" Dilbert asks, "How will he ever get a job without this basic knowledge?" Dilbert asks, "What is the deepest lake in North America?" The boy replies, "Who cares?" Dilbert says to the audience, "Pitiful . . . Shocking . . ." The child asks Dilbert, "Who is M. C. Hammer?" Dilbert replies, "I don't know, but it's not important. It's trivia." The boy says, "Oh, I see. What YOU know is important, but what I know is trivia. Yes, yes, it all makes sense now." Dilbert asks, "Is that sarcasm?" The boy replies, "D-uhh."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #Dilbert, #Dogbert, #drum beating, #robert, #warrior, #book, #rejecting, #port, #cinammon, #snap

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Dilbert tells Dogbert, "I'm joining a manly drum beating group." Dogbert asks, "Why?" Dogbert replies, "Well, see, this poet Robert Bly wrote a book about being a manly warrior . . ." Dogbert continues, "I haven't actually read the book . . ." Dilbert continues, ". . . But it has something to do with beating drums and rejecting your mother." Dogbert says, "Let me get this straight . . ." Dogbert continues, ". . . You're taking advice from a POET on how to be manly?" Dilbert and three men stand around holding drums. A man asks Dilbert, "Have you tasted the cinnamon snap tea?" Dilbert thinks, "Maybe I should have read the book first."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #Dilbert, #reccommend, #switch, #technology, #questions, #career, #graph, #anticipated, #declining, #sense, #self-worth, #progresses, #answering, #presentation, #prepared

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Dilbert stands in front of an overhead projector. He says, ". . . Therefore, I recommend that we switch to the new technology . . . Any questions?" A man sitting at the conference table asks, "Dilbert, are you willing to bet your career on this?" Dilbert replies, "Yes, I would definitely bet my career." Dilbert continues, "You would too if you had MY career." Dilbert places a transparency on the projector and says, "I have a view graph which anticipated your question." Dilbert points to the diagram and says, "This chart tracks my declining sense of self-worth as my career progresses." Dilbert continues, "At the low-point, here, I'm reduced to answering imbecilic questions while pointing a little stick at the wall." Dilbert arrives at home and Dogbert asks, "How did the presentation go?" Dilbert replies, "There's such a thing as being too prepared."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #Dilbert, #the boss, #percent, #subradiante, #latched, #obscure, #engineering, #fact, #painful, #implications, #microfleems, #blows, #fascinating, #acknowledge, #grasp, #technology, #issues

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Dilbert sits at his desk. The Boss asks Dilbert, "Did you know that twenty percent of all microfleems are subradiante?" Dilbert thinks, "Uh-oh. The Boss has latched onto some obscure engineering fact." Dilbert thinks, "This is going to be painful." The Boss says, "Just think of the implications. It means eighty percent of microfleems are NOT subradiante." Dilbert crawls under his desk thinking, "Maybe I can hide under the desk until this blows over." The Boss continues, "Don't you think it's fascinating? I mean, what with the implications and all . . ." Dilbert replies, "Okay, okay. I acknowledge your incredible grasp of technology issues." The Boss walks away thinking, "It almost makes me curious what a microfleem is."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #need by tomorrow, #work all night, #sound grateful, #boss, #last minute assignment, #put upoin, #asks dilbert, #ungrateful boss

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The Boss hands Dilbert a piece of paper. The Boss says, "This is urgent. I need it by tomorrow." Dilbert says, "You've known about this for weeks. Now I'll have to work all night!" Dilbert says, "Could you at least say something that sounds grateful?" The boss says, "I'm glad I'm me!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #marketing dept., #best engineers, #leverage technology, #ant farms, #speadsheets, #ant milk, #ant fram engineer, #ordered dilbert, #milk from ant, #no risk, #bite sized ant jerky

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Dogbert sits at a desk and says, "Here's how your marketing department can help retain your best engineers." The caption says, "Marketing gets an idea." A man points to a diagram and says, "We'll leverage our technology by building ant farms." The caption says, "Spreadsheets make the idea look profitable." The Boss and the man sit at a conference table. The man says, "The ant milk alone will be a positive NPV!" The Boss replies, "Wow!" He thinks, "What's an NPV?" The caption says, "Don't forget the 'worst case scenario.'" The man says, "Worst case, somebody builds a gigantic magnifying glass next door." The man contines, "Solution: bite-sized ant jerky!" The Boss says, "There's no risk!" The caption says, "An engineer will be assigned to the project." The Boss says to Dilbert, "Ant farms! Do it!" Dilbert thinks, "Uh-oh." The caption says, "The engineer will challenge the assumptions." Dilbert says, "You can't get a gallon of milk from an ant!" The Boss asks, "What do YOU know about marketing?" The caption says, "Result: the engineer will never leave the company." An interviewer asks Dilbert, "So . . . Your current job is 'Ant Farm Engineer'?" Dilbert thinks, "I'm doomed."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #laughing, #practice, #sneeze

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Dilbert stands in front of the dresser mirror and says, "Hoo-hoo-hee-ha! . . . No, that's not it." Dilbert sits on the bed and asks Dilbert, "Do you suppose other people practice laughing when they're alone?" Dogbert replies, "Of course." Dogbert says, "Time for your sneezing drill." Dilbert says, "Other people make it look so natural."