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Ted: Hey, Alice! Did you hear about my big promotion? Alice: Congratulations, Ted. I'm not jealous at all. Keep up the good work. Sorry about my face. I haven't mastered the art of full-body lying.
Boss: The stock market is up today. I wonder if this is a good time to get in. Dilbert: If you wait until it goes up even further, then you'll know it's a good investment. Wally: Are you still bitter about your last raise? Dilbert: Not as much as I was a minute ago.
Co-worker 1: So, Dilbert, what else are you working on lately? Dilbert: I'd rather not say because you have a habit of misinterpreting everything you hear and then bad-mouthing it later. Co-worker 1: He basically said he's too paranoid to talk to people. Co-worker 2: He sounds crazy.
Dilbert: Wait. Hold that crazy thought. I need to get a witness in the room. Alice, would you mind coming to the conference room for a minute? Alice: What fresh heck is this? Dilbert: Larry is a sadist and a sociopath, but he hides it when there's more than one witness. So, Larry, what do you think of my project? Coworker: It looks great! I'll be happy to help you in any way I can! Alice: Am I done here? Dilbert: Don't turn your back!
Coworker: Can you come to my meeting at 8am tomorrow? Dilbert: No. I reserve the first few hours of every morning for useful work. Coworker: That feels like an insult. Dilbert: I call it good time management. There's a lot of overlap.
Boss: Do a cost analysis for consolidating our data centers. No matter what the data says, make sure your conclusion is that it's a good investment. Dilbert: Remind me why I went to college. Boss: Some liar probably convinced you it was a good investment.
Dogbert sits on his pillow humming. Dilbert sneaks up behind Dogbert and says, "Boo!" Dogbert's ears fly up and he says, "Eeek!" Dogbert sits on an examining table with his ears still standing straight up. The doctor says, "The good news is you'll handle better on corners . . ."
A lab rat says to a scientist, "Doc, we have to talk." The rat continues, "Every day you feed me over a hundred pounds of macaroni and cheese . . . At first I thought you were just being a good host." The rat continues, "But lately I've been thinking it could be something far more sinister." The professor writes in his notebook, "Macaroni and cheese causes paranoia."
Dilbert sits at a conference table with several people. The man next to him whispers, "What's your presentation going to be about?" Dilbert replies in a whisper, "Rectangles. We heard the Boss was a geometry major." The man says, "Good thinking. But I heard he was a geography major, not geometry." Dilbert points to a rectangle projected onto the wall and says, "Wyoming: one of the many rectangular states."
Dilbert and three people sit at a conference table. The woman next to Dilbert says, "Don't mind me today . . . It's almost time for my 'friend' to visit." Dilbert replies, "That's funny . . . I would think you'd be in a good mood if a friend were going to visit." Back at home, Dilbert says to Dogbert, "She looked puffy, but she struck like a cobra." Dilbert's glasses are bent, his arm is in a sling and his clothes are disheveled.