False Hope Business Comic Strips - Page 2
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1000 Results for False Hope Business
View 11 - 20 results for false hope business comic strips. Discover the best "False Hope Business" comics from Dilbert.com.
Thursday January 12,
1995
Tags #Dogbert, #venture capitalist, #technical expertise, #business stuff, #special, #decotrative, #non equity stock, #common stock, #avoid tension, #partners experince
Transcript
Dogbert sits at a conference table with a businessman. Dogbert says, "You'll use your technical expertise and I'll do the business stuff. Sign here." As the businessman signs the contract Dogbert says, "Since you're the inventor of the technology, you'll get 100% of the special decorative non-equity stock. I'll settle for all the common stock." The businessman says, "I hope we can avoid the tension that some partners experience." Dogbert says angrily, "Give me my pen, you miscreant."
Saturday November 15,
2003
Tags #produce breakthrough, #meeting, #coach me, #higher perfromance, #no hope for progress, #business
Transcript
Dilbert: My project has no progress and no hope for progress. I scheduled a meeting is I can fantasize that it will produce a breakthrough. I recommend that we have a meeting next week so you can fantasize that your'll coach me to higher levels of performance. The Boss: Sounds good.
Friday December 26,
2003
Tags #rehired, #alice back, #dulled instincts, #first day abck, #business picking up
Transcript
The Boss: Business is picking up. We need to rehire some of the people that we downsized. I hope the time off from work hasn't dulled their engineering instincts. The first day back is always the hardest.
Saturday March 27,
2004
Tags #evil director, #human resources, #been excessed, #yoga move, #rageful comments, #hope for a hug, #business
Transcript
Catbert: Evil director of human resources "Your position has been excessed, or as I prefer to say..." "I will tear the flesh from your bones!" "Phew! I love that yoga move." "There is like, no hope for a hug, right?"
Friday September 28,
2012
Tags #despair, #prices, #social media expert, #fee, #pay scale, #popcorn, #meeting, #hope left body, #business
Transcript
Dilbert: I assume we pay you based on how much you increase our social media hits. Consultant: No. My fee is whatever I think you're dumb enough to pay for ambiguous outcomes. Dilbert: Either hope just left my body or the popcorn is getting chatty. Social media expert
Sunday February 03,
2013
Tags #anger, #angry, #hateful creature, #hope, #interviews, #job interview, #managers & supervisors, #monster, #optimisim, #smile, #toxic work place, #business
Transcript
Boss: You remind me of another young person I hired years ago. She was full of hope and optimism and she wore a permanent smile. Her name was Alice. As time passed, she devolved into an angry, hateful creature. No one knows what caused it. Interviewee: How long did it take? Boss: About a week. Interviewee: Apparently, you're a monster who creates a toxic workplace and you lack the self-awareness to realize it! Boss: Someone broke your record. Alice: Shut up.
Wednesday July 21,
2010
Tags #wide eyes, #merger, #hope, #status, #upgrade, #nonexistent, #unimportant, #job, #business
Transcript
The Boss says, "The people buying our company don't know that your project exists." The Boss says, "And you're not allowed to talk to anyone over there. But don't lose hope." The Boss says, "I'm working hard to upgrade your status from nonexistent to unimportant."
Saturday October 09,
2010
Tags #rival, #drain hope, #optimism, #yell, #freak out, #scary, #mouth open, #meeting, #business
Transcript
The Boss says, "You mission is to assassinate the motivation of my rival." The Boss says, "I want you to attend a meeting with him and drain the optimism out of his body." Man says, "What is happening to my sense of hope?" Wally says, "Let it happen."
Sunday February 17,
2002
Tags #voluntary layoff package, #ted, #retirement money, #start a business, #kites out of waffles, #worlds largest, #edible kites, #value opinion, #option., #alice
Transcript
A coworker comes into Wally's cubicle. The coworker says, "Wally, may I ask you for advice?" Wally responds, "Huh?" The coworker says, "My name is Ted. I'm planning to take the voluntary layoff package." The coworker continues, "Then I plan to use my retirement money to start a business that makes kites out of waffles!" The coworker continues, "In five years I hope to be the world's largest maker of edible kites." The coworker asks, "So, what do you think? I value your opinion." Wally responds, "Ted, who told you that I'd be a good person to ask for an opinion on your idea?" Ted replies, "Alice said it reminded her of the quality of your... ideas." He pauses and then says, "Oh." Wally and Ted are standing hostilely in Alice's cubicle. Alice exclaims, "Alice shoots for the double!!! She scores!!!"
Sunday June 16,
2013
Tags #interviews, #lying, #job interview, #exaggerate credntials, #more effective, #business skill, #misleading, #convince customers, #prodcuts, #dupe some idiot, #learn tech skills, #honesty, #hr, #send offer, #liar
Transcript
Dilbert: You look good on paper, but how do I know you aren't lying about your skills? Interviewee: You should hope I am lying. Studies show that people who exaggerate their credentials tend to be more effective once hired. That's because misleading people is a valuable business skill. For example, I might need to convince our customers that our products are better than the competition. Or I might need to dupe some idiot into leaving my cubicle so I can concentrate. Anyone can learn technical skills, but lying is an art form. Dilbert: He doesn't have an honest bone in his body. Boss: Perfect. I'll tell Human Resources to send him an offer.