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The Boss, Dogbert and Wally sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "I hired the Dogbert Consulting Company to add credibility to my decisions." Dogbert wears a sorcerer's hat. Dogbert says, "As my analysis shows, it's much better to give your money to me than to waste it on future downsizees such as yourselves." Wally asks, "What analysis? This is a page ripped out of the magazine in our lobby." Dogbert replies, "Perhaps you should upgrade to my deluxe service."
Swami Doghbert is at the staff meeting with Dilbert, The Boss and Wally. He wears a turban wth a cresent moon on it and says, "I've been hired to find the gullible fool who continues to send anonymous chain letters to everyone." Dogbert waves his hands in the air and says, "I place the Curse of Dogbert on all past and future senders of chain letters." The Boss looks like Dogbert (dog ears and dog nose) and says, "I think I saw Wally flinch." Dogbert and Dilbert stare at him.
Dilbert sits in his chair and Dogbert stands on the hassock holding a stack of documents. Dogbert says, "I'm building a permanent file of all the stupid things you say." Dilbert replies, "At least it's only a few pages long." Dogbert says, "This is just the table of contents." Dogbert continues, "The full database will be compressed on CD ROMS." Dogbert points to a man and says, "I hired Juan and his crew to design the system and type in the data." Juan says, "We're working overtime." Juan continues, "The new computer center is done . . . We had to level the neighbor's garage." Dilbert asks Dogbert, "By any chance, are you still upset that I asked you to fetch my slippers?" Dogbert asks Juan, "Did you get that one?" Juan writes on his clipboard and replies, "I'll need to hire more people."
Tags #Dogbert, #long range planner, #impossible evaluation, #flex-time, #supposed to work, #internet connection n, #telecommute, #not pollute, #give a hoot, #losers, #demanded relocation, #no budget, #poodle graohics, #big raise
Dogbert sits across from the Boss's desk. The Boss asks, "Why do you want to be our new 'Long Range Planner,' Mister Dogbert?" Dogbert replies, "Because 'long range' is very far away . . ." Dogbert continues, ". . . Therefore it will be impossible to evaluate my performance." Dogbert continues, "If it's not too much to ask, I'd like to be on flex-time so you'll never know if I'm supposed to be at work." Dogbert continues, "I'll need an Internet connection at home so I can telecommute and not pollute. Because I give a hoot." Dogbert continues, "Also, I'd like to be in a group with lots of losers. That way I'll get the biggest riase when we're ranked." The Boss says, "You're hired. All of the other applicants demanded relocation expenses and I have no budget for that." Dogbert stands at a desk. Dilbert asks, "Why do I have to work while you just look for poodle graphics on the Internet?" Dogbert says, "Don't work too hard; I'd like a big raise."
Headline: Dogbert the Investment Banker. Dogbert introduces a weasel to The Boss, "I hired a weasel to teach you how to answer media questions." The weasel says, "No matter what the reporters ask, always give the same answer 'It will be good for stockholders.'" The Boss is answering media questions. A reporter asks, "Is it true that you ran over a stockholder in the parking lot?" The Boss responds, "It'll be good for him."
Carol, I hired famed archaeologist Dogbert to find the budget report in the clutter of your desk. Dogbert: This appears to be a copier repairman skull, possibly a ricoh or kyocera. I think he used tools. Carol: Not fast enough."
Dogbert consultant Dogbert says, "I've been hired to identify the most important goals of your organization." Dilbert says, "how will you do that?" Dogbert says, "I'll ask you what they are, and you'll tell me." Dogbert says, "Then I'll put your answers on a PowerPoint slide." Dogbert says, "Next week I'll show you the slide and tell you to focus on your most important goals." Dogbert says, "Then I'll get paid. Because that's MY most important goal." Dogbert says, "WOO-HOO! CHA-CHING! CHA-CHING! CHA-CHING!" Dogbert says, "I lead by example."
Dogbert: "You should hire me as your management consultant." Man: "We're a management consulting firm. We don't need a management consultant to consult us." Dogbert: "Are you saying that management consulting is worthless?" Man: "No, I'm saying we already know everything about management consulting." Dogbert: "How can you be so sure I can't help you when you don't know what my advice will be?" Man: "Okay, you're hired. What's your advice?" Dogbert: "Beats me. I'll have to ask my management consultant."