The boss: Okay, I convinced my company to make you our single source vendor.
I assume you'll be make me a job offer now. any vp title will be fine.
I'll just take an empty office.
There ...is...a...waiting period!!
CEO: We're going to stop pretending our products are always on sale and instead offer low prices all the time. The average person is smart enough to know that our so-called sales prices are our normal prices anyway. Dilbert: Have you ever talked to an average person? Boss: Tell me again why we're raising all of our prices?
Boss: The big companies are hiring all of the good engineering students as soon as they graduate. We need to start earlier. I want you to skulk around school yards and try to form relationships with kids who are nerdy loners. Offer them candy. Kids love candy. Dilbert: I don't see how this plan could go wrong.
Dilbert says, "Amber, would you like to celebrate New Year's Even with me?" Amber says, "I'll say maybe. That way you can't make other plans and I can wait for a better offer." Amber says, "I can get away with it because of whatever is happening over there." Dilbert says, "Yup."
"No offense, but you're totally unqualified for this position."
Wally: "That's okay. I already have a job."
"I just need a job offer at a higher salary so I can use it to negotiate for a raise."
Wally: "My boss is an irrational dipwad who is easily manipulated by bogus comparisons and the illusion of scarcity."
Wally: "Your offer will make him think my value is much higher than it actually is."
"Great. Now that I know I can't have you, I desperately want to hire you." "My mind is already forming rationalizations for your total lack of qualifications!" "How do you turn this off?!!"
Wally: "I'll tell you after you write the offer."
Asok: the move that I ma about to teach you is called the "wally reflects"
Wally: Throughout the day bad people will try to make you do work of for them. At first, offer no resistance, as if you actually plan to do the work.
Then ask the offender to do a little bit of work himself.
Allow me to demonstrate.
Wally, I need to design a data base for all of our product features and services.
Wally: Glad to do it!
Wally: all i need from you is a comprehensive list of the dats fields you need included.
Oh...wow Im really busy, I;ll had et get back to you on that.
and I'll never see that idiot again.
You inspire me. In a creepy kind of way.
Dilbert: You look good on paper, but how do I know you aren't lying about your skills? Interviewee: You should hope I am lying. Studies show that people who exaggerate their credentials tend to be more effective once hired. That's because misleading people is a valuable business skill. For example, I might need to convince our customers that our products are better than the competition. Or I might need to dupe some idiot into leaving my cubicle so I can concentrate. Anyone can learn technical skills, but lying is an art form. Dilbert: He doesn't have an honest bone in his body. Boss: Perfect. I'll tell Human Resources to send him an offer.
Salesman vs. Engineer
Dilbert: Can you offer us a discount? Salesman: I had something like that in mind, except instead of giving a discount, I would hit you with a chair and run away. Dilbert: Please don't do that. Salesman: Okay, but I'll have to charge you extra.
Boss: I need you to come with me on a sales trip, but don't talk to the customer. Your presence is needed to give a misleading impression of how much engineering support we plan to offer after the sale. Dilbert: So I'm nothing but a bag of meat? Boss: No. You're a lying bag of meat.
Lawyer: I've been asked to settle your claim of discrimination against the company. Your complaint is that they discriminate against you for being short, bald, and nearsighted. I might have a conflict of interest, but my final offer is one billion dollars. Wally: Plus a statue and an apology. Company lawyer.
