Dogbert consults the Boss. Dogbert says, "My team can build an e-commerce site for you." Dogbert continues, "It will be so well-documented that your I.S. group can easily maintain it." The Boss gathers his employees as he explains, "But the coolest part is that the documentation will be delivered by flying pigs."
Noriko asks the Boss, "Would it be okay if I worked part-time?" The Boss answers, "That depends." The Boss continues, "Would you be willing to come in on your days off to finish urgent projects?" Noriko replies, "Yes." Dilbert asks Noriko during lunch, "So, basically you negotiated a fifty percent pay cut?"
Dilbert: There seems to be more stupidity than usual at work.
Garbageman: Borrow my antisyupidius gun. It annihilates the stupid part of a person and leaves the rest intact.
Dilbert: Cool
Dilbert: I should have read the directions more carefully,
"Asok, this is important but you have month to finish it."
Asok: "I'll start right away."
Wally: "It's smarter to wait until the last minute and then make a big show of how harding you're woring to meet the unreasonable deadline."
Asok: "You said that right in front of him."
Wally: "It's still work that's the freaky part"
There's a medical procedure that will make you more attractive to the opposite sex. "The doctors would remove part of your body and replace them with the parts from an attractive guy." "It sounds painful." "Not if you do it all at once."
I need to have one more direct report and it will trigger an automatic promotion for me. "Your job is to be that employee." "How's it feel to be part of the team?" "Not as special as I'd hoped."
Dilbert says, "My doctor says everything is fine except for the part of my brain that controls morality." The Boss says, "Gasp! The management prophesies are true. You must be the one they call..." Catbert says, "THE NATURAL?!!" The Boss says, "He glows from within."
Dilbert says, "I collected optimistic data, put it in the context of bad analogies, seasoned it with saliency bias?" Dilbert says, "?Added herd instinct, a pinch of confirmation bias? and here's your strategy." Dilbert says, "Just add leadership." The Boss says, "Why do I always get the hard part?"
Dogbert says, "I've decided to escalate my anti-social behavior from not listening, to actively talking over other people." Dilbert says, "How can you enjoy the conversation of others if you don't listen?" Dogbert says, "This could be one of the best ideas I've ever had." Dogbert says, "It all came together when I realized that listening isn't the fun part."
Man: "When I'm not helping team members, I like to feed the poor or read to blind people."
"I don't care about money. All I want is a chance to help humanity reach its fullest potential."
The Boss: "You're so wonderful. It's making me cry! You're hired."
Man: "Excellent."
The Boss: "Come meet the team."
"I have a special skill for identifying good people."
"It's part instinct, part experience."
"And yes, maybe just a little ESP."
"Watch this."
"Alice, your favorite color is...mitten?"
