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Tags #passion for job, #ceo's visit, #meeting, #condescending, #rented mules, #intimidate, #corproartions, #afford luxury items, #ping pong table, #no raise, #offend, #belitte, #pay dosparity, #slavery, #business
CEO Visit CEO: "It's important that you have a passion for your job." "For example, my passion involves working you like rented mules so I can afford to purchase luxury items." "I bought a ping-pong table with the raise you didn't get."
The Boss says, "Our best sales guy asked for you to accompany him on a sales call." Dilbert says, "What's the secret of being a good sales person?" Coworker says, "You need to give customers the information they need?" Coworker says, "?Without getting in their faces so often that you become a nuisance." Coworker says, "For example, a customer would get sick of your face much sooner than mine." Coworker says, "So halfway through the sales call, you'll need to put this bag over your head while I close the deal." Man says, "It looks as if I win our bet." Coworker says, "No... wait for it..." Man says, "Whoa. How do you do that?" Coworker says, "It's called sales. Now you owe me a purchase order."
"Our director of marketing will give us an update." "We spent our entire marketing budget buying a racehorse." "We named the horse after our flagship product because they're both fast, get it?" "Unfortunately we didn't have enough budget for a top thoroughbred." "Our horse broke its leg walking to the starting gate, so we shot it." "Next year we plan to sponsor a sailboat." "Anyway, your lunch today is brought to you by the marketing department." "Enjoy." "Hey, my roast beef sandwich has a piece of lead in it."
Boss: Can you approve the purchase of this software? Boss: You need to run the software license past legal first. Lawyer: You need to fill out a legal services request form. I'll email it to you. Make sure you specify whether the software is open source or not. Dilbert: How would I know if it meets your definition of open source? Lawyer: It depends how the license is written. You'll need to ask legal to review it. Dilbert: Never mind. I'll just forge your signature on the form. Lawyer: Maybe this is why I've never seen a software license.
Man: Would you like to sign up for our customer loyalty program? Dilbert: Why would I do that? Man: If you don't we'll overcharge you on your purchases. But if you sign up, we will add a new level of complexity to your life that will make you hate us. Dilbert: I'll stick with the customer disloyalty program. Just overcharge me and I'll never come back. Man: You can get ten percent off your purchase today if you fill out an online customer survey and enter our store code. Dilbert: Please just overcharge me and let me leave! Man: I almost hesitate to ask which extended warranty option you want.
Boss: The company has authorized the purchase of standing desks for employees who want them. Wally: Literally the only good thing about this job is that I can do it while sitting down. Boss: How did you get to this meeting? Wally: Your chair doesn't have wheels?
purchasing manager: i can't approve this purchase without three vendor quotes. dilbert: only two companies in the world make this sort of product. purchasing manager: if i bend the rules for you, everyone will want me to bend the rules. dilbert: maybe you could only bend the rules when it makes complete sense to do so. purchasing manager: that would be chaos. Purchasing manager: everyone thinks they have a good reason to bend the rules. dilbert: is the real problem here that you were bullied in school, and you use this job for some sort of sick revenge. purchasing manager: now you need four vendor quotes.
dogbert: i've designed these over-ear headphones for maximum customer annoyance. the charging port is only on one side, so the user has a fifty percent chance of guessing wrong. and the charger only fits if you put it right-side up. to increase the frustration, i made the plug look the same on both sides. best of all, the plug is so poorly designed that half the time it doesn't seem to fit, even when you put it in correctly. i made the headphones black, so you can't easily find the charger hole in low light. ninety percent of users will be cursing us every time they try to recharge. customers won't know any of this until after they purchase. boss: ship it.
dilbert and dogbert at home. dilbert: do you like my new t-shirt? it's two sizes too small, but that's all they had. dogbert: wouldn't it be better to buy shirts that you like that are also the right size? dilbert: in theory, yes. but i have been buying t-shirts for years, and i don't recall seeing that option.