Total Sociopath Comic Strips - Page 2

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View 11 - 20 results for total sociopath comic strips. Discover the best "Total Sociopath" comics from Dilbert.com.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #mister catbert, #total compensation plan, #salary alone, #danger, #balances out, #employee benefits, #lower blood pressure, #rubbing soft belly, #trick, #health benefit

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The Boss, Catbert, Dilbert, Alice and Wally sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "Mister Catbert will explain our new 'total compensation plan' for excellence." Catbert says, "We no longer view compensation in the narrow terms of salary alone." Dilbert, Alice and Wally think, "Danger! Danger!" Catbert continues, "If employee benefits go up, then salaries can go down and it all balances out." Catbert lies on the table and says, "For example, did you know you could lower your blood pressure by rubbing my soft, furry belly?" Alice says, "It might be a trick!" Wally thinks, "What's the worst thing that could happen?" Wally rubs Catbert's stomach and Catbert shouts, "Ha ha ha!!! It's a health benefit! Now I'll cut everybody's salary!" Dilbert, Alice and Wally look shocked and their hair and clothing is disheveled. Dilbert says, "I've noticed that the more health benefits I get, the worse I feel."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #document, #on desk, #overdue, #last minute, #going home, #boss to dilbert, #wait until tomorrow, #sociopath, #spookily accurate

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Dilbert sits in his cubicle and looks at his watch. he thinks, "Time to go home. That means..." The Boss shows up and says, "Hi there." Dilbert thinks, "Right on schedule." Dilbert holds up his hand and says, "Wait. Let me guess why you're here." Dilbert says, "You want to discuss a document that's been on your desk for a month." Dilbert says, "It's something that could easily wait until tomorrow." He says, "But you'll insist that I handle it now, because you're a sociopath." The Boss says, "Wrong. I majored in anthropology." The Boss walks away and thinks, "But that was a spookily accurate guess about the document."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #reserve conference room, #everyday, #next year, #sociopath, #beat you to it, #slowest sociopath

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The Boss approaches Carol at her desk and says, "Carol, reserve the conference room every day for the next day in case I need it." Carol responds, "You're too late. Some other sociopath had the same idea and beat you to it." As The Boss walks away he thinks to himself, "I hate being the slowest sociopath."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #wants a husbnd, #cooks and cleans, #raises kids, #pursue career, #total turn on, #lemon wedges

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Alice says to Carol, "I want a husband who cooks and cleans and raises the kids while I pursue my career." Alice continues, "To me, that sort of man would be a total turn-on." A man wearing an apron approaches Alice and says, "Yoo-Hoo! Who likes lemon wedges?" A heart floats above Alice's head.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #tell vendor, #combination, #lack of importance, #total insignificant

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Why would my boss tell a vendor our strategy and not tell me? "It's probably a combination of your lack of importance and your total insignificance." "Do you have anymore questions like that one?"

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #bonus, #selling stuff, #customer, #can't pay, #sociopath

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Dilbert: "Today I got a bonus for selling stuff to a customer who probably can't pay." Dogbert: "Does your soda taste any less delicious?" Dilbert: "No." Dogbert: "Congratulations, you're a sociopath." Dilbert: "It feels kinda good."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #total sales, #package of software, #engaged in piract, #tiny frisbee, #leap in air, #mouth

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"Our total sales to Elbonia are one package of software." "That can only mean that they're engaged in massive software piracy." "When I toss the tiny Frisbee (TM), you leap in the air and catch it in your mouth." "You first."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #return frisbee, #doesn't fly, #software cd, #total idiot, #users manual, #poorly written

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"I'd like to return this Frisbee (TM). It doesn't fly right." "This is a software CD. Only a total idiot would think it was a Frisbee (TM)." "In my defense, the user's manual was poorly written." "Plus you're a total idiot."

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #delusional sociopath, #executives, #gardener, #goat writing autobiograohy, #hallucinations, #hard work, #intuition, #magical thinking, #non-fiction, #vision, #regrets

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Dogbert: I finished ghostwriting your autobiography. CEO: "I was ridiculously lucky. The End." I was hoping you'd include something about all of my hard work. Dogbert: You didn't work any harder than your gardener, and he lives in his truck. CEO: What about my vision and intuition? Dogbert: My first draft had a chapter on your hallucinations and magical thinking. But I covered that ground with the title: "I'm A Delusional Sociopath And You Can Too." CEO: I'm starting to regret paying you in advance.

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- Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #admits assignment, #career, #dinner party, #small talk, #woman asks, #total losers, #blame, #coworkers

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woman: Before I get too invested in this conversation, tell me what you do for a living. Dilbert: I'm one of three people my boss asked to do the same assignment because he deems all of us unreliable. woman: This is why I ask. Dilbert: The other two people are total losers.