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The Boss hands Dilbert a sheet of paper and says, "From now on, salaries will be based on your predicted success, not your past performance." While Dilbert reads the report, the Boss says, "We ran a computer model against your education and DNA information. We predict you'll die in a stapler mishap within a week." Dilbert asks, "What if I disagree with this prediction?" The Boss points at Dilbert and says, "Write up your opinion and staple it to the analysis."
A prospective client sits across from Dogbert's desk. Dogbert says, "Stocks . . . annuities . . . derivatives . . . capital gains tax . . ." Dogbert shouts, "It's all too confusing for you!! Give me all your money now or you'll die a pauper!! Now! Now!! Before interest rates fall!! As he signs a document, the client says, "Will this reduce my income taxes?" Dogbert says, "More than you might guess."
Dogbert stands on a woman's desk wearing a gas mask. He says, "I have failed in my attempt to subtly tell you that your perfume is killing people. I will try a direct approach." Dogbert removes the mask and screams, "Hey!! You smell bad!!! B-a-a-a-d!!" Dilbert collapses onto the desk and the woman asks, "Should I give you CPR?" Dogbert says, "No-o-o-o!! Let me die!!"
Dogbert dressed in a crown and sceptar stands by Dilbert's computer. Dogbert says, "I need a job where my immense ego seems normal." Dogbert says, "I've decided to be a doctor. I will determine who lives and who dies!" Dogbert is in a doctor's office. He still wears the crown and has a stethoscope around his neck. A man in boxer shorts says, "What? I can't die from an ulcer!" Dogbert says, "Maybe not, but I enjoy the challenge."
Asok: If you refuse to do something about our products safety flaw I will be forced to contact our CEO! The Boss: try it, Asok: This email will make him drop every thing and call me. CEO: Hundreds wil die....Blah, Blah , Blah...wahtever. forward the message to that pointy haired guy.
CATBERT: EVIl Director of Human Resources Catbert is walking through the office carrying a paper thinking, "I love my job." He walks into Wally's cubicle and says, "Hello, hapless employee." He continues, "I've renamed the four levels of employee performance..." "...To accurately reflect the views of management." Catbert reading from his paper, "The category of "exceeds expectations" is renamed to..." "..."At least he or she doesn't drool on himself or herself."..." He continues, "..."Meets expectations will be called "loser". "Does not meet expectations" will now be called "Die! Die! Die!"..." Catbert is walking off thinking, "I could send it out by e-mail but I enjoy seeing the looks on their faces."
Tina: He doesn't respect my work. I can tell by the way he's sitting. "Two can play this game. I will hate you with the fury of a thousand suns!" "Die! Die! Die~" Dilbert: "Rats. I sat down wrong and gave myself a wedgie."
Dilbert says, "Can you give me a quote by next week?" Coworker says, "Your demeanor tells me that you will never guy our product. You only want the quote as a point reference." Dilbert says, "Or maybe I'm giving you false hope because it's less awkward to end the meeting that way." Coworker says, "Die! Die! Die!"
The Boss: Tomorrow is the mandatory meeting on employee health and well-being. "The meeting starts at 6 A.M. So it will interfere with your sleep and not your work." Dilbert: "Doesn't that send a message that work is more important than health?" The Boss: "I hope so. That's the theme of the meeting." "Healthy employees are unproductive." "They're always exercising or eating fruit when they should be working." "We prefer employees who work hard and die before their pensions start paying out." Dilbert: "Suddenly I feel sick." The Boss: "Right on schedule!"
Wally: "Your staff meeting will take an hour of my life that I will never get back." "If you let me skip the meeting, I will agree, to die an hour earlier to make up the difference." Dilbert: "He agreed?" Wally: "Yes, and I'm going to use that extra hour of deadness to haunt hum."