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Dilbert and a woman sit at a table in a restaurant. Dilbert says, "Heather, there's something I must tell you." Heather says, "Stop . . . Stop right there. I know what you're going to say." Heather continues, "Although it's our first date, you find yourself very attracted to me." Heather continues, "You are stunned by my grace and beauty, and you hope we can be more than friends." Heather continues, "Let me set you straight, Dilbert: this is a pity date. My standards are too high for you." Dilbert says, "Actually, I just wanted to tell you that your dress was tucked into the back of your pantyhose all night." Heather looks shocked. Back at home, Dogbert asks, "How was your date?" Dilbert replies, "Man, it doesn't get any better than that!"
Dilbert's car taps the car behind it. Dilbert says, "Oh, carp . . . I'd better see if I dented it." Dilbert leans into the car and tells the driver, "Your bumper doesn't appear to be . . . Uh-oh." The driver's legs and arms are contorted. He shouts at Dilbert, "Look what you've done to me, you oaf!!" The man hops out of the car and shouts, "I'll see you in court!!" The driver sits in the witness stand and tells the judge, ". . . And now I'll never be able to work again." The lawyer asks, "What kind of work did you do?" The man replies, "Well, uh . . . Er . . . Um . . ." The man answers, "Circus contortionist." The man adds, "As far as the settlement goes, I can be flexible."
Dogbert and Dilbert walk through the park. Dilbert asks, "Do you think people are basically good or evil?" Dogbert replies, "Well, I know dogs are basically good." Dogbert continues, "And dogs are better than people." Dogbert continues, "But people are better than cats." They sit down under a tree. Dogbert continues, "And cats are evil . . ." Dogbert continues, "Therefore, all people are stupid." Dilbert says, "I don't follow that logic." Dogbert says, "Yes, my theory predicts you would say that."
Dogbert sits at a table with a client and says, "If you plan to remain in the computer business you'd better bundle the 'Dogbert 2000' operating system with every unit you sell." Dogbert continues, "Otherwise, after I dominate the market you'll be last on my list to receive new products!" The man says, "You remind me of somebody . . ." Dogbert responds, "It's the glasses, isn't it?"
Wally stands in front of the Boss's desk. The Boss says, "Wally, I've decided to move your project due date up a month." Wally responds angrily, "Every time it looks like I'll reach an objective, you move it! What does this prove about my performance?" The Boss answers, "It proves I'm better at setting objectives than you are at achieving them."
Catbert sits on a monitor and thinks, "I know I should be off tormenting people . . ." Catbert continues thinking, "But I can't pry myself away from this most excellent butt-warming device." Catbert lies face down on the monitor and thinks, "It's probably because of the hype, but I'm thinking this would be even better with 'Windows 95.'"
The caption says, "Somewhere in Elbonia." Dilbert says to two Elbonians, "I've been assigned to check the software you're writing for us under contract." One Elbonian says, "The documentation is written in our own Elbonian language." The other asks, "Is that a problem?" Dilbert says, "That's better than I'd hoped. I was afraid nobody here knew how to write." An Elbonian responds, "Writing is easy. Someday we hope to read, too."
Dilbert examines some cables in the Boss's office and says, "Here's your problem. The connection to the network is broken." Dilbert continues, "Uh-oh. It's a 'token ring' LAN. That means the token fell out and it's in this room someplace." Wally and Dilbert stand outside the Boss's office, watching the Boss crawl around on the floor. Wally says, "You are the wind beneath my wings." Dilbert says, "I'll wait a week then tell him the token must be in the 'Ethernet.'"
Alice, Wally and Dilbert sit at the lunch table. Wally says, "I had a cat once . . ." Wally continues, "I petted that thing for two hours but I didn't feel any better." Dilbert says, "Petting is for the benefit of the cat, not your hand." Wally says, "They're so selfish."
Dilbert walks by with a briefcase as the garbage man is emptying a trashcan. The garbage man says to him, "Dilbert, I notice you've been looking depressed lately." The garbage man writes on a pad and says, "Here's a prescription for an antidepressant drug. Be sure to exercise regularly and don't skip meals." Dilbert says angrily, "What makes you think you're qualified to diagnose my mental health?!!" The garbage man reaches for the prescription and says, "I'd better double it."