1996 Comic Strips - Page 20

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags peer performance, reviews, limited budget, raises, slander coworkers, more money, weasel boy, hate empoyees

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The Boss says to Dilbert and Wally, "It's time to do peer performance reviews!" The Boss continues, "Remember, there's a limited budget for raises. Your best strategy is to slander your co-workers so there's more money for you!" Wally says to Dilbert, "I plan to say very nice things about YOU." Dilbert replies, "Nice try, weasel boy." The Boss thinks as he walks away, "Managing is easy when you hate the employees."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags prisoners dilemma, smal raise, rat on, good times, no co ed prisons

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Dilbert looks over the wall into Wally's cubicle and says, "Wally, these peer reviews are like the famous 'prisoner's dilemma.'" Dilbert explains, "If you rat on me but I say good things about you, you get the biggest raise. But if we praise each other we can BOTH get a small raise." Alice looks over the wall and says, "Wally, if you rat him out, I'll let you look at my 'Victoria's Secret' catalog." Dilbert says, "This is exactly why there are no coed prisons."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags economic success, stock price, fire batch, incompetence, lying customers

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The Boss, Alice and Dilbert sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "You employees are the key to our economic success." The Boss explains, "Anytime we need a little stock-price boost, we just fire another batch of you. It's like printing money!" The Boss holds up a chart and says, "In fact, 'incompetence' has become our most profitable product." Alice says, "Wow. It beat out 'lying to customers.'"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags Catbert, evil hr director, big layoffs coming, secret, cats don't keep secrets

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Catbert peers over the wall and says, "Hey, Wally . . . Big layoffs coming." Catbert continues, "I've seen the list. I know more about your future than you do. But it's a secret." Catbert says, "Sadly, cats don't keep secrets very well." Ted says to Wally, "Nice chair."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags layoffs, mobility pool, run around, finding job, internal job, ax falls, layoffs dignified, nonexistent job

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The Boss and Wally sit at a table. The Boss says, "We don't do 'layoffs' at this company. But you HAVE been selected to participate in our mobility pool!" The Boss explains, "As the name implies, you get to scurry around trying to find a nonexistent internal job before the ax falls." Wally asks, "How's this different from a layoff?" The Boss replies, "With layoffs you get to keep your dignity."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags layoff list, Wally, claimed chair, few minutes ago, hard on survivors

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Ted says to Wally, "I hear you're on the layoff list, Wally. Has anyone claimed your chair yet?" A man says, "I claimed it a few minutes ago." Ted yells, "Liar!" As the two men fight, Wally says, "I guess it's true what they say about layoffs being hard on the survivors."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags Dogbert, career counselor, contract employee, rehired, higher salary, downsized, dumb, hire third time, parable, ant and spider, both boring

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Wally sits across from Dogbert's desk and says, "I was fired once, but I came back as a contract employee. Later I was rehired at a higher salary." Wally continues, "Now I'm being downsized again. Do you think they'll be dumb enough to hire me a third time?" Dogbert says, "Your story reminds me of the parable of the ant and the spider." Wally asks, "Really? How?" Dogbert replies, "They're both boring."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags Dogbert, career counselor, enough people quit, best startegy, convince coworkers, video, exact moment, life force, leaves body

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Wally sits across from Dogbert's desk and Dogbert sits on the desk. Dogbert says, "The company won't lay you off if enough people quit first." Dogbert continues, "Your best strategy is to convince your co-workers that their jobs are intolerable." Wally shines a flashlight on Asok and points a video camera at him. Wally says, "We do this for all the young employees, Asok. I'll capture the exact moment that your life force leaves your body."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags no downsizing, job is safe, quality good news, going downhill

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The Boss says to Wally, "Good news, Wally. Most of our smart employees quit to get much better jobs elsewhere. Now we don't have to do any downsizing." The Boss continues, "Your job is safe. We need you to do the work of all the people who left." Wally, Dilbert and Alice sit at a table eating lunch. Wally asks, "Is it just me . . . or is the quality of 'good news' really going downhill lately?" Dilbert replies, "I'd have to say you're both going downhill."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags hit glass ceiling, play the game, promote you, dresses like boss, suit, pointy haired

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Alice and Wally sit at a table eating lunch. Alice says, "I've hit the glass ceiling. I'll never be promoted again." Wally replies, "That's because you're not willing to 'play the game.' You have to look and act like the person who can promote you." In order to look like the Boss, Alice shapes her hair into two points, puts on a suit and stuffs a pillow under her shirt. The Boss sees her and thinks, "Ooo la la!" Alice thinks, "This had better work."