Health Deteriorates Comic Strips - Page 20
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Dilbert sits at his desk working with test tubes and beakers of chemicals. Dilbert tells Dogbert, "I've identified the brain chemical that controls happiness." Dilbert says, "And I found the exact mix of fruit and vegetable juices that stimulate its production." Dilbert asks, "Do you realize what this means?" Dogbert replies, "Yeah. Fruits and vegetables will be banned by the government."
Dogbert sits on the hassock watching television. A newscaster says, "The budget for education was cut ten million dollars." Dogbert thinks, "Is that a big percentage? Does it make any difference?" The reporter says, "Congress considered a music safety law after studies showed a ten percent increase in piano-related deaths." Dogbert wonders, "How does that compare to other health risks? Should I be concerned?" The newscaster continues, "Lawmakers debated a bill to lower capital gains tax rates . . ." Dogbert thinks, "What do most economists think? Would it stimulate the economy much? Should I care?" The newscaster continues, "A new poll show that many voters have strong opinions on these issues despite the fact that we provide no useful contextual data." Dogbert walks away with his ears standing up. He thinks, "I've got to stop watching scary shows right before bedtime."
A large man behind a desk says to two overweight men, "We must use all of the resources of the 'Cow and Egg' lobby to counter the latest threat from the vegetarians." The man continues, "Somehow they've managed to link food with health . . . They invented a 'nutrition pyramid' chart and got schools to use it . . ." A teacher points to a chart and says, "Kids, this is a little different from the way I learned it . . ." Meat, milk and beer are at the top of the pyramid and are labeled "bad." The next levels on the pyramid are gravel, bugs; beans, tofu; fruits, vegetables; bread, cereal, grains.
Tim says to Dilbert, "I've sacrificed my health, my personal life and my soul to get promoted." Tim continues, "Ha ha ha! But it was all worth it because I have an office with a DOOR and you still work in a cubicle!" Tim continues, "Maybe I'll host a special 'Low-Achiever Day' to let you touch my door." Dilbert imagines closing Tim in his door.
Bob the Dinosaur and Dogbert sit at the table. Bob asks, "You're going to be an economic advisor to the President? What do you know about economics?" Dogbert replies, "It's simple, Bob." Dogbert explains, "The country needs to give all the money to dogs, thus stimulating the economy." Bob asks, "Why can't we spend the money ourselves?" Dogbert replies, "You'd probably fritter it away on food and health care."
Man: Hey, aren't you one of those chihuahua dogs? Ratbert: The disguise is working. Man: Unless... Maybe you're just a rat in a turtleneck sweater, pretending to be a chihuahua. Ratbert: Think fast. Man: I don't have the attention span to think about it. Ratbert: What did he mean by, "just a rat"?
The strip is titled, "Dogbert's guide to your tax dollars." A vacuum cleaner sucks up dollar bills. Dogbert says, "Did you ever wonder how all that tax money gets spent? Roll the tape." The caption says, "Inventing secret things." Two scientists look at a device. One of them says, "It doesn't look like much, but it'll smart like crazy if you sit on it." The caption says, "Sending secret things into space." The other scientist says, "Maybe we'd better classify it secret and send it into space with the other stuff." The caption says, "Education." A teacher says, "Sex will kill you, food will kill you, smoking will kill you, alcohol will kill you, drugs will kill you . . ." The children sitting at their school desks look frightened. The caption says, "Art grants for things you aren't open-minded enough to appreciate." Dilbert looks at a shoe sitting on a pedestal. The artist says, "I call it 'The Bug I Hated.'" The caption says, "Advanced health care." Two doctors stand next to a bed where a skeleton lies. One physician says, "You were right, Benson. X-rays and microwaves are not the same thing." The caption says, "Paying Congress." A senator says, "Our raises came through!" Another says, "I think I'll send myself a thank-you note!"
Dilbert sits on an examining table holding his arm. A man with a stethoscope says, "Here at the 'Jiffy Med Center' we do everything to keep your health costs down." The man continues, "In fact, none of us has any medical training so they pay us almost nothing." Dilbert asks, "Why do you do it?" The man grasps the stethoscope and replies, "I like putting this cold thing on naked people."
Dilbert sits on a weight lifting bench holding dumbells. Dilbert thinks, "The experts used to say you should exercise every day." Dilbert thinks, "Now they think twenty minutes every other day is just as good." Dilbert collapses onto the bench and thinks, "My strategy of five minutes a month is looking pretty clever."
Dilbert sits on an examining table in his boxer shorts. The doctor says, "Apparently you ignored my advice and got no exercise." The doctor continues, "But you're in perfect health, which really annoys me professionally." The doctor continues, "I'm prescribing two packs of cigarettes per day . . . Don't cross me again." Dilbert looks at the reader.