The Boss: "When I found out that the manager who replaced me was a witch, I set a fire in the break room."
"The automatic sprinkler system came on and melted her. Witches don't like water."
"Are you glad to have me back?"
"I've been doing CPR on this blob for two days."
"I'm starting a company that specializes in doing tainted research."
"The Association of Doughnut Makers asked me to prove that skinny people can't go to heaven."
"Did you see a bright light before the doctors revived you?"
"No, why?"
"Hey, Dilbert, what are you doing for the Ebitda today?"
"The what?"
"Ebitda means the earnings before interest, taxes, depreciation, and um... Ammonia."
"Are you sure about ammonia?"
"Why must you be so accretive?"
The boss: "We've had a bad year but management is commited to staying the course."
Dilbert: "Question: did you just say our leaders are receiving huge compensation packages to keep doing what doesn't work?"
The Boss: "No. The way I said it, they're visionaries."
Dilbert: "So ... they keep doing what doesn't work ... and they see visions?"
Dogbert: You need to act more like an entrepreneur. Entrepreneurs make decisions that will end in failure 90% of the time. They motivate people through bullying, lying, manipulation and verbal abuse. Entrepreneurs make their employees work so many hours that their personal lives and their bodies fall apart. Boss: I've been doing all that stuff for years. Dogbert: Has it worked? Boss: No. Dogbert: Well, in that case, you're not an entrepreneur. You're just a huge jerk. Boss: Is that why no one is writing my biography?
It's been a great three-hour meeting but I have one question.
Can a business - led project management process optimize our static core issues?
Was that gibberish?
I thought thats what we are doing.
"I am concerned because my objectivess are vague and unmeasurable." "As a result, I am not inspired to achieve my full potential... and... um..." "Did I just say I'm doing a bad job and ask you to punish me?" "That's what I heard."
"Wally, did you review the spreadsheet that I emailed?" "I didn't want to be inconvenienced." "My philosophy is that anything worth doing is too hard." "A character flaw isn't a philosophy." "I like to combine things."
"Hey, Dilbert, can you update the yield numbers for our discontinued chips?" "Well, if I have to choose between being rude and doing something useless..." "Consider my crazy glare." "I guess I'll start being useless."
Tina trains her boss
Tina: You'll find me in this chair. doing real work.
Tina: your job, as I understand it, is to make uninformed decisions and act like a sociopathic egomaniac,
Tina: you'll usually stand like this.
I also like to fidget and harrumph.
