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Headline: The Short-timer. The Boss says to the short-timer, "You're retiring soon, so you can give me honest feedback." The short-timer responds, "Wouldn't that be harder than doing absolutely nothing?" The short-timer continues, "How about if I create the illusion of listening while I fantasize about fishing?" The Boss responds, "Good enough."
Wally says, "For thousands of generations the males in my family practiced selective breeding." Wally continues, "The goal was to produce offspring that leave no biometric impression: no pulse, no fingerprints, no DNA." Dilbert asks, "Why?" Wally responds, "We like to ask, 'Why not?'"
A man with hair pointy like antennae approaches The Boss and says, "Hello, potential client. I'm a consultick." The consultick continues, "I'll burrow into your corporate skin, suck your cash and never leave." The consultick continues, "My firm has a track record of huge consulting failures and conflicts of interest!" The Boss thinks, "No red flags."
The Boss introduces a new employee to Dilbert, "We saved money by hiring a guy who's had many personal problems." The Boss continues, "But we're sure he was just unlucky. No one would invite that many problems into his life." The new employee's cell phone rings. The new employee says into his cell phone, "Yes, of course your ex-boyfriend can stay with us until the choppers leave and he sobers up."
Dilbert says to The Boss, "You don't respond to my e-mail anymore." The Boss replies, "When I reply to e-mail, it attracts more e-mail. I'm trying to break the vicious cycle." Dilbert says, "Well.. I'll leave you voice-mails." The Boss answers, "Let me know how that works out for you."
Dilbert is meeting with a client. Dilbert says, "I'll design the system as soon as you give me the user requirements." The client responds, "Better yet, you could build the system, then I'll tell your boss that it doesn't meet my needs." Dilbert says, "I don't mean to frighten you, but you'll have to do some actual work." The client responds, "That's crazy talk."
The Boss is about to start a meeting. Wally, Dilbert, Asok, and Alice's cell phones all ring simultaneously. Wally says into his phone, "Emergency, you say?" Dilbert asks into his phone, "Crisis?" The Boss is alone in the conference room. He thinks, "I'm losing my faith in coincidences."
The Boss: "Alice, I notice that you always click something when I approach." The Boss: "Obviously you've been using company time to look at indescribably filthy images." Alice: "And why does that seem so obvious to you?" The Boss: "Let's leave me out of this."
The Boss: "Our new product has half a million lines of code!" "Translation: there's nothing good about this product, so you hope I'm impressed by irrelevant data." "Now available in ecru!" "You leave me no choice but to key your car on the way out."
Dilbert: "Where do you want to eat?" Alice: "Anyplace." Suddenly, Mike, the vegan pounced. "Do you mind if I join you?" Soon, hunger started to set in. "No, I can't eat at any of those fifty choices. What else do you have?"