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CEO says, "The media is on our back because we accidentally destroyed the Statue of Liberty. We need your P.R. advice." Dogbert says, "Did you take full responsibility and promise to clean up the harbor?" CEO says, "Ooh." Earlier that day CEO says, "Many of you don't know that the Statue of Liberty was very old... and made entirely of fish food."
Dilbert says, "Amber, I'll pay you $500 a month to pretend to be my friend on Facebook." Dilbert says, "All you need to do is leave me a public message every once in a while." Amber says, "That would make me a?" Dilbert says, "Frienditute. But it's better if we don't name it."
Dogbert says, "I've decided to escalate my anti-social behavior from not listening, to actively talking over other people." Dilbert says, "How can you enjoy the conversation of others if you don't listen?" Dogbert says, "This could be one of the best ideas I've ever had." Dogbert says, "It all came together when I realized that listening isn't the fun part."
Woman says, "I judge potential mates by their cell phone apps. Hand it over." Woman says, "You have an app that does nothing but hurl pirate insults. That is so stupid. This date is over." Cell Phone says, "Don't let the door hit you in the booty. Aaaargh!"
Dogbert the CEO Dogbert says, "We need another economic bubble to drive up our stock value." Dogbert says, "Assemble the illuminati!" Man says, "As usual, I'll create the media frenzy, Dogbert will manipulate prices, and IXPU will vaporize the whistle-blowers."
Dilbert says, "And then Ted said he'd?" Man says, "Ho ho! I've seen that a million times!" Man says, "At my old job we used to make cricket noises whenever our manager was approaching." Man says, "But that doesn't mean you should cut corners when it comes to quality." Dilbert says, "You're hijacking our conversation!" Man says, "I'm adding value." Dilbert says, "You don't even know what we were talking about." Wally says, "Apparently you have a social disorder that compes you to insert irrelevant stories and trite observations into other people's conversations." Wally says, "I assume part of the disorder involves not being able to recognize it in yourself." Dilbert says, "I wonder if he can hear us." Man says, "Did I tell you about my camping trip?"
Dogbert says, "Your pants have a tiny hole." Dilbert says, "These are my favorite pants!" Dilbert says, "I'll have to go with plan B." Dogbert says, "Wear other pants?" Dilbert says, "That's crazy talk." Dilbert says, "I'll wear these and act as if the hole just happened." Dilbert says, "Everyone knows you can't go home and change in the middle of the day." Dilbert says, "I'll use a pants witness tracking application on my phone to keep track of who has seen the hole." Dilbert thinks, "If I play my cards right, I can get two or three more wearings out of my favorite pants." Wally says, "All of this just happened." Dilbert says, "Same here."
Tags #celebrity business plan, #commit crime, #hire lawyer, #reality tv show, #gain weight, #tabloids, #spokesperson, #weight loss product, #write children book, #rehab, #addicted to painkillers, #plan, #future plans, #goals, #sensationalism
Dogbert: "Would you review my celebrity business plan?" Dilbert: "Sure." Dogbert: "First, I'll commit a sensational crime that the media can't ignore." "Then I'll hire celebrity lawyer, Johnny 'Red' Galipigos to help me beat the rap." "I'll use my fame to land a part on a reality tv show where I will win by cheating." "Then I'll gain a massive amount of the weight so the tabloids will fixate on me." "Burp" "Then I'll become a spokesperson for a weight loss product." "It works!" "Lastly, I'll write children's books." Dilbert: "What about rehab?" "Good catch. I totally forgot the part where I get addicted to pain killers." Dilbert: "Otherwise it looks good."
The Boss is with another man and introduces him to Dilbert. The Boss says, "Dilbert, I'd like you to interview Matt for our department." Dilbert asks Matt, "There's a three-year gap in your work history. What were you doing?" Matt replies, "One day I was balancing my checkbook and noticed a bank error." Matt continues, "So I embarked on a three-year mission to make the bank admit its mistake!" Matt continues, "I worked the phones day and night, rarely eating or bathing." Matt continues, "Then came the sit-ins, the media frenzy and the landmark court case." Matt exclaims, "The bank claimed that seven minus four is three. And I'm like, 'Since when?'" After the interview, The Boss asks Dilbert, "Would he fit in?" Dilbert replies, "Unfortunately, yes."
Tina says to The Boss, "We need to show more corporate responsibility." The Boss replies, "Okay, I'll cut your salary and give the extra money to poor people." Tina says, "I was hoping we could hose the stockholders, not me." The Boss responds, "That would hurt my stock options." He pauses and then asks, "What if we pollute less?" Tina exclaims, "Yes, yes! That's what I'm talking about. We could pollute less!" The Boss says, "Okay, take a bucket to the river and see how much of our sludge you can get out." Tina asks, "Where would I put it?" Dilbert and Wally are at the coffee machine. Dilbert asks, "Is it just me or has the coffee improved?" Wally exclaims, "Zesty!"