Hiring Engineers Comic Strips - Page 22
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The boss says, "Find out how many engineers our competitors have so we can justify having that many." Dilbert says, "Sure, I'll spend a few hours comparing our apples to their oranges." The boss says, "Why does your cooperation sound like insubordination?" Dilbert says, "Aye-aye, captain!"
The Boss says, "Gabe was downsized when his last employer had financial troubles. I was lucky to hire him." Dilbert says, "Because they always downsize their best employees first?" Dilbert says, "Sorry. I didn't mean to put it in context."
Dogbert the CEO Dogbert says, "We're going into the internet news business." Dilbert says, "We're hiring reporters?" Dogbert says, "No, we'll summarize stories from other sites and provide links." Dilbert says, "So?we'll be parasites?" Dogbert says, "Go buy a vinyl record, Grandpa."
The Boss says, "Go to human resources for a psychological evaluation." Dilbert says, "Why??? Have I said anything that is abnormal?" The Boss says, "You're an engineer. Everything you say is abnormal." Catbert says, "Question one: How many bodies are hidden in the crawl space under your house?" Dilbert says, "If they are hidden, how would I know?" Catbert says, "Well, maybe you would smell them." Dilbert says, "Not if they were wrapped in heavy plastic and sealed in concrete." Wally says, "How'd it go?" Dilbert says, "Not so good."
Dogbert the CEO Dogbert says, "Sales have been lagging" Dogbert says, "I want each of you to cold-call ten customers per day." Alice says, "We're engineers. We don't know how to sell." Dogbert says, "Just follow this script. It's guaranteed to close every sale." Dilbert says, "Hello. I'm calling on behalf of the police and firefighter's charity for unattractive youths." Dilbert says, "If you send us $500 we will send you a lovely piece of software as a thank you gift." Dilbert says, "Otherwisem when your house catches on fire, you might find yourself handcuffed to the refrigerator." Mom says, "Dilbert? Is that you?" Dilbert says, "Hi, mom. I'm in sales now."
Man says, "I need you to assign one of your engineers to my project." The Boss says, "Follow me and I'll show you your choices." The Boss says, "This one is highly capable, but she's in such high demand that you'll be lucky if she ever returns a call." The Boss says, "This one is aggressively unhelpful." The Boss says, "This one will tell you that all of your plans are impractial and doomed." The Boss says, "That one is an intern, so no one takes him seriously." The Boss says, "My management theory is that nature makes everyone useless in their own way." Man says, "I'm not useless." The Boss says, "Said the man who can't find a good engineer."
The boss: Explain why you charge less of your time to projects than all the other engineers. Dilbert: "I'm trying something new. It's called honesty." The Boss: "Stop doing that." Dilbert: "Okay brilliant suggestion."
As Vp of marketing, I am proud to introduce the new version of our product. Behold!! This sia testament to what can happen when you listen to customers. we asked customers what they wanted the new version to do. Six months ago I gave that raw data to you engineers. Today we see the result. Its the first time Ive seen it myself. whats it do? BAM!! Our customers said they hate us.
Asok: "I heard that you got approval to hire a new Senior Engineer." "As an intern, I have performed all the functions of a Senior Engineer for the past five years. I am now ready for promotion." The Boss: "I plan to hire someone from outside the company." "Must control tiny fists of intern fury." The Boss: "I have the approval to fill the Senior Engineer position but there's a ban on hiring new interns." "So, if I promote you, my empire... oops... I mean my department won't grow." Ask: "Gaaaa! My despair has turned into a searing psychological pain! Ow ow ow!" "That reminds me, I need you to train the new guy."
Why its great to be an engineer Hi Dilbert. Dilbert: Hi...there. He doesn't remember my name. Say it! Say my name! Hey dilbert. Now he'll be forced to introduce me, her- her. Alice: Am I interupting anything? dilbert: no Its awkward for you now. HA HA! squirm, you name forgetter. The pressure too introduce me must be killing you . HAHA! Dilbert: Do you have the new software specs? Alice: follow me. Alice: who was that guy? Dilbert: What guy?