Replace Myself Comic Strips - Page 23

You can also use "quotes" and & to narrow down results.

262 Results for Replace Myself

View 221 - 230 results for replace myself comic strips. Discover the best "Replace Myself" comics from Dilbert.com.

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #hypothetical, #worst-case scenario, #pessimism, #nightmare

View Transcript

Transcript

Boss: What's the worst-case scenario? Dilbert: A rogue nation could insert a cyberweapon on our software. The virus could destroy all technology on Earth. Lacking the means to communicate over great distances, single people would only be able to marry people who lived nearby. I could end up marrying your daughter. That would make you my father-in-law and my boss. That nightmare would cause me to denounce humankind and go live in a park, naked, with a family of squirrels. When winter came, I would be forced to strangle the squirrels, one by one, to make myself a coat. I can't tan leather, so that would be a senseless tragedy. Boss: Let's try to avoid that.

Wally's Coffee Ideas

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Wally's Coffee Ideas - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #coffee, #obsession, #caffeine, #decaf, #competition, #thinking, #intelligence

View Transcript

Transcript

Wally: I recommend buying the company that supplies coffee to our biggest competitor. We'll replace their regular coffee with decaf enjoy a solid 20-point I.Q. advantage over them. Boss: Do all of your ideas involve coffee. Wally: Only the good ones.

How Long For New Feature

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
How Long For New Feature - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #laziness, #excuse, #legacy, #deception, #engineer, #programmer, #engineering

View Transcript

Transcript

Tina: How long would it take to add that feature to the legacy system? Wally: That depends. When will the new system replace the legacy system? Tina: In six months. Wally: The new feature would take seven months.

Wally Gets Promoted

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Wally Gets Promoted - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #managers, #management, #leadership, #laziness, #work ethic

View Transcript

Transcript

Wally: I got promoted to a leadership role. It means I get to tell people to work hard, but I don't have to do any worm myself. Dilbert: That doesn't sound right. Wally: I could use a fresh one of these.

Replacing Robot Head

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Replacing Robot Head - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #machines, #rights, #robot, #technology, #survival, #suffering, #apathy

View Transcript

Transcript

Dilbert: I've been asked to replace your head. Robot: Um... what's the survival rate for this operation? Dilbert: No one cares. Robot: I'll need a second opinion. Wally: I don't care either.

Cyborg Rumors

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Cyborg Rumors - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #cyborg, #robot, #employees, #replacement, #deception, #business

View Transcript

Transcript

Dilbert: There's a rumor that you plan to replace all normal employees with cyborgs that have microchips in their brains. Boss: There is no truth to the rumor that I plan to replace defective employees with highly capable, enhanced humanoids. Dilbert: I can't tell if you're lying. Boss: That's actually the best argument for keeping you around.

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #cpr, #bragging, #braggart, #ego, #one-up, #storytelling, #exaggeration

View Transcript

Transcript

Dilbert: My CPR instructor says I was one of his best students. Topper: That's nothing. I'm so good at CPR that my practice dummy came to life. He grew limbs and got married to a crash test dummy. They had three mannequins together and they live in the suburbs. But the marriage didn't last because the CPR dummy could not forget the taste of my lips. I blame myself for being irresistible. Why do all of my conversations end with me sitting alone?

Immersive Vr Is Immortal

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Immersive Vr Is Immortal - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #virtual reality, #vr, #mortality, #immortal, #human, #ai, #artificial intelligence

View Transcript

Transcript

Narrator: Kevin, the immersive VR employee. Dilbert: I have to keep reminding myself that you don't really exist. Kevin: I have to keep reminding myself that your organic personality was long ago replaced with prescription medications. Dilbert: At least I'm real! Kevin: At least I'm immortal. Tick-tock. Tick-tock.

Boss Cancels Food Service

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
Boss Cancels Food Service - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #lunch, #Food, #stealing, #refrigerator, #property, #misunderstanding

View Transcript

Transcript

Boss: I've decided to cancel our food service to save money. Dilbert: We don't have a food service. We all bring our own food and keep in the break room refrigerator. Boss: I've been eating the food in there for seven years. Dilbert: I'd keep that to myself if I were you.

Thank you for voting.
Hmm. Something went wrong. We will take a look as soon as we can.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #human resources, #certification, #listening, #corporations, #business

View Transcript

Transcript

Catbert: Evil Director Of Human Resources. Catbert: Don't bother me. I'm studying for a human resources certification. I already have my certifications for sadism and maniacal laughing. And, obviously, I have the basic HR certification for recreational downsizing. If you don't have that one, you can't even get a job in HR. But I need one more certification to make the big bucks. Now run along while I practice my joyless scowling. Dilbert: You talk a lot about yourself. Catbert: I prefer to think of myself as a non-listener.