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Dilbert says, "I need this class to update my skills. Will you approve the expense?" The Boss says, "Where's the analysis of alternatives?" Dilbert says, "What?" The Boss says, "When you ask for funding, you need to tell me what my options are." Dilbert says, "Well, okay. That seems logical." Dilbert says, "Option two. Do nothing while I become increasingly unqualified for my job." Dilbert says, "Option three: replace me with someone younger who earns less than I do and already has the skills." Dilbert says, "Oh." Dilbert says, "Options are only good when other people don't have them."
The Boss: "I am sad to report that Asok the intern died during a test of our moon shuttle prototype." "Before he left, he put a sample of his DNA in a jar. His plan is to reincarnate into his own clone." "Where's the jar with Asok's DNA?" Carol: "I needed a second candy jar."
Mordac, The preventer of information services Mordac: "I made some changes to the network that I alone understand." "I didn't have time to test it, but if there is a problem, I'll be on vacation for three weeks in a Russian submarine below the Arctic circle." The Boss: "My screen just went blank." Mordac: "Let's chalk that up to coincidence."
The Boss: "Carol, I want to be certain that everything is perfect for the CEO's visit." "Check the doughnuts to make sure that they're fresh and delicious." Later Carol: Mmm... This one is okay." "How can I be sure this isn't the one good doughnut in the batch." "I'll have to taste every one of them." The Boss: "CAROL!!!" Carol: "Don't panic. I can fix this." "This is odd: Most of my doughnut is delicious, but one part tastes like gum."
The boss: "Dilbert, come to my office for a minute." Dilbert: "What's in your office?" The boss: "You and I will be there." Dilbert: "If you just want to talk, we can do it right here and save us both some time." The boss: "Maybe we need privacy, did you ever think of that?" Dilbert: "Do we need it?" The Boss: "No, that was just an example. There are many, many reasons why we should talk in my office." Dilbert: "I'll be fascinated to find out what kind of information is geographically dependent." The Boss: "Now, do you have the results from the Benchmark Tests?" Dilbert: "Yup. In my cubicle."
The Boss: we're outsourcing our satellite launch program to Elbonia. We built the billion dollar satellite here: the Elbonians will put it into orbit. Dilbert I want you yo be our liaison. AAAAAGH!!!! The Boss: Thats our insurance company. They've been jumpy lately. In ELbonia Our plan is to tease a pig until he kicks the satellite into orbit. The risk is that our pig might prefer fisticuff. sledgehammer! abort! abort! Dilbert: It was hallow. The boss: don't mention that to our insurance company.
Dilbert is sitting at his desk drawing a map. He says, "I've created a schematic of office politics in my company." Dogbert says, "Nicely done." Dilbert says, "Let's say I want to ruin Ted's career." Dilbert continues, "I could say bad things to Tina about Ted. Tina carpools with Ming and Ming takes yoga classes with Carol." Dilbert continues, "And Carol is a secretary for Ted's boss. So Ted would be history." Dilbert continues, "Of course it wouldn't be ethical to test the system." Dogbert replies, "Unless..." Dogbert points to the map and continues, "..You use the Phil-Alice-Larry circuit to get Ted rehired." Dilbert replies, "Yup, yup." Dilbert concludes talking to Tina with, "...And that's why Ted is worthless." He pauses and then asks, "Hey, where's Phil today?" Tina replies, "He quit." Dilbert asks Dogbert at home, "Why do I listen to you?" Dogbert responds, "Because of a little thing I call charisma."
Asok: Wally, how can I learn to tolerate my co-workers? Wally: It is time for you to learn about trust, Asok. Let me show you. Turn around. This is called the "trust fall." You fall backward and trust me to catch you... go. Asok: Why didn't you catch me?!!! Wally: It wouldn't be trust if it worked every time. Asok: What kind of lesson is that? Wally: This is how I tolerate my co-workers.
Carol: It's your surgeon. He says he might have left something inside you. Boss: What??! A sponge? A scalpel? Carol: No... his watch. And... his car keys... and wallet. He says he used your torso to store his valuables while he went for a run. Boss: Meow! Carol: I'll ask about that.