Ordered On Internet Comic Strips - Page 24
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Dilbert lies on a couch in a psychiatrist's office. The therapist asks, "When did you start believing that your boss was an evil entity from another dimension?" Dilbert imagines the Boss telling him, "I'd like to sit in on your customer meeting." Dilbert thinks, "Uh-oh." The Boss, Dilbert and a woman sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "Let me share the high level strategic view." Dilbert thinks, "Here we go." The Boss spreads his arms and says, "Life began in the primordial stew literally hundreds of years ago . . ." The Boss continues, "But we are the only company who ever found synergies in our win-win solutions!" The caption says, "Two hours later." The Boss says, "And we won't sop until we delight every customer!" The woman looks shocked and Dilbert covers his eyes. The customer says, "I'd be delighted if you just told me about your new Internet access product." The Boss replies, "I cancelled the funding yesterday." The Boss stands up and says, "Who's up for a tour of our cubicles?" Dilbert says, "Gotta go."
The Boss tells Dilbert, "I want you to study our options for Project 'Zebra' and make a recommendation." Both the Boss and Dilbert think, "Translation: 'Read my mind then recommend the option I've already decided on.'" Dilbert answers, "I'll get right on it!" He thinks, "Translation: 'I am doomed. I will go look for naughty pictures on the Internet instead.'"
Wally: Can we cut this short? Id like to get back to the information superhighway. The Boss: Sure. Im glad we connected you all to the internet so you can share ideas with colleagues. Wally: yeah, thats right, I want to go share ideas with my colleagues. Dilbert: Do people really share ideas with colleagues? Wally: If I get an idea, Im not sharing. Wally: I think I'll channel over to the internet chat area and flirt with college women. Dilbert: Im still reading through five megs of blonde jokes. Dilbert: I wonder if Al Gore has any idea.... Al Gore: Hey Tipper, heres another good one! hee hee!
Dilbert and Dogbert sit at a table in a restaurant. Dilbert tells the waitress, ". . . And no onions." The waitress replies, "Very good, sir." Dilbert hands her the menu and says, "You didn't write it down. You aren't even intending to get it right." The server replies, "This way there's no incriminating paper trail . . . Just your word against mine." The waitress glares at Dilbert and says, "When you complain about getting the wrong meal I'll look at you like this." The waitress continues, "Then I'll roll my eyes, causing you to wonder whether you misspoke when you ordered." The waitress continues, "I'll offer to replace the meal but you know that will take forever and also come out wrong." The waitress laughs hysterically. The waitress asks Dogbert, "And for you?" Dogbert says, "Number five, hold the demonic hatred."
Dilbert sits at his desk. The Boss says, "Add my name to your patent application to acknowledge my contribution." Dilbert asks, "What contribution?" Dilbert says, "You said it was a stupid idea by a stupid employee. You ordered me to stop working on it." The Boss says, "Devil's advocate!" Dilbert adds, "You also said I was ugly."
Wally and Dilbert hold Dogbert signs and are wearing brassieres. Wally says, "You have to admit it - since Dogbert conquered the earth we've had no wars and the economy improved." Dilbert replies, "It could be a coincidence. All he's ordered so far is that we carry his picture and wear brassieres." Wally says, "I think you're afraid of change." Dilbert says, "Oh yeah? Well, I don't think you're a 'D' cup."
The Boss tells Dilbert and a woman, "To protect our environment, I've ordered that ink be removed from all copiers, printers and pens." The Boss continues, "Research shows that many squids can be spared by reducing our ink usage." Dilbert replies, "I don't think we get our ink from squids, sir." The Boss says, "Oh, right . . . Next you'll say we don't get our 'Elmer's' from cows."
Dilbert braces himself against the desk as his arm disappears into the computer. He shouts, "Help! Dogbert, I'm being sucked into cyberspace!" Dilbert's head and torso disappear into the computer and he screams. Dogbert grabs his pants. Dilbert is gone, but Dogbert holds his pants. He says, "Let's hope you don't need pants in cyberspace." Dilbert floats through a strange world. He thinks, "Wow! It's like a 'Calvin and Hobbes' fantasy but without the artistic look to it." Dilbert thinks, "It's beautiful! I'm interacting with the minds of brilliant people from around the globe." A sign that says "Internet" points to the right. Dilbert floats past an "E-mail" sign. He thinks, "I can see how all their ideas and knowledge fit together! It's exhilarating!" Dilbert floats toward the exit and thinks, "How can I ever describe this to somebody who hasn't been here?" Dilbert tells a woman, ". . . And I didn't even need pants!" The woman replies, "So, you're some kind of nerd, right?"
A newsreporter wearing a trenchcoat says into a microphone, "This man used his supercomputer to predict the future of the world." The reporter holds the microphone out and Dilbert says, "Within five years, evil squirrels will conquer the world and make us all slaves in their nut mines." The reporter says, "The squirrels should love this guy." Dilbert adds, "It's based on actual math."
Dilbert sits at his desk. Dawn and Bob the Dinosaurs asks, "Uh . . . Dilbert, could we get your advice?" Bob says, "We just joined Dogbert's new cult." Dawn says, "And he ordered us to kill each other for questioning him." Dilbert says, "Hmm . . . Maybe you could just shove each other in front of trucks."