Replace Myself Comic Strips - Page 24

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260 Results for Replace Myself

View 231 - 240 results for replace myself comic strips. Discover the best "Replace Myself" comics from Dilbert.com.

Boss Cancels Food Service

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Boss Cancels Food Service - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #lunch, #Food, #stealing, #refrigerator, #property, #misunderstanding

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Boss: I've decided to cancel our food service to save money. Dilbert: We don't have a food service. We all bring our own food and keep in the break room refrigerator. Boss: I've been eating the food in there for seven years. Dilbert: I'd keep that to myself if I were you.

Pat Yourself On The Head

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Pat Yourself On The Head - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #reward, #prizes, #reimbursement, #expense report

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Boss: I'm naming you employee of the month. Your prize is twenty dollars cash and a pat on the head. Give yourself twenty dollars and submit an employee reimbursement request. Dilbert: Can I pat myself on the head, too? Boss: I was hoping you would offer.

A Wally Robot

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A Wally Robot  - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #robot, #modernity, #technology, #automation, #coffee

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Asok: Do you worry that a robot will someday take your job? Wally: Nah. No one will build a robot that does nothing but drink coffee. Man: It does nothing but drink coffee. It can replace twenty percent of your workforce. Boss: I like it.

Boss Is Not A Quitter

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Boss Is Not A Quitter  - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #social media, #internet, #troll, #trolling, #baiting, #technology

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Boss: That stupid online troll is insulting me again on social media! I keep defending myself, but instead of agreeing with me, he keeps calling me "defensive" and "pathetic," Carol: Maybe you could stop engaging with him. Boss: I'm not a quitter!

Doctor Will Operate

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Doctor Will Operate - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #laziness, #happiness, #satisfaction, #aspirations, #psychology

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Doctor: The MRI shows unusual activity in the laziness region of your brain. Normally, I would recommend brain surgery, but your brain also registers an unusually high level of happiness. Wally: So... how do we handle this? Doctor: I'm going to operate on myself to make me more like you.

Wally Is A Maverick

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Wally Is A Maverick - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #health, #standing desks, #standing, #sitting, #laziness

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Wally: I like to think of myself as a maverick. Let the trendy people brag about their standing desks. I haven't stood in a week. Dilbert: I have some bad news about your health risks. Wally: Should I sit down to hear it?

Boss Counts Cards

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Boss Counts Cards  - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #gambling, #gambler, #card counting, #blackjack, #poker, #cards

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Boss: I've decided to become a professional gambler on the side. Dilbert: Sounds risky. Boss: Nah. I'm teaching myself to count cards. 50...51...51...53! Nailed it again!

Cracked Screen

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Cracked Screen  - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #phone, #cell phone, #fragile, #design, #screen, #case, #technology

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Dilbert: Introducing our new mobile phone product, the BSB 100. BSB stands for Beautiful, Slippery, and Brittle. Oops. Voice: What's the 100 stand for? Dilbert: That's how many times you'll have to replace a cracked screen.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #team, #teamwork, #collaboration, #excuses, #group project, #business

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Dilbert: Thank you all for coming. I'm hoping we can make a lot of progress in the next hour. Alice; I didn't get any sleep last night, so don't expect much from me. Asok: I'm so hungry I can barely think. Man 1: I might be a bit distracted today because my wife told me she wants to leave me. Wally: I can't stay for the whole meeting. I have another thing in a few minutes Man 2: I'm only here to sabotage your project because I can't abide the success of others. Dilbert; Why don't all of you leave now and I'll make all the decisions myself. Boss: How'd the team meeting go? Dilbert: Better than I expected.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #competition, #replacement, #hiring, #job description

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Boss: Wally, I need you to write up your job description for me. Wally: Is that because you're planning to hire someone to replace me? Boss: I need it by tomorrow. Wally: Job description: leverage platform technologies to maximize software architecture optimization via nanotubes. Here you go. Boss: Can you start on Monday? Man: I changed my mind.