All Year Comic Strips - Page 26
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Wally: I decided to be proactive and push back my deliverable deadline by a year. Boss: That' snot being proactive. That's the opposite of proactive! Wally: You said you want employees to be empowered and now you're criticizing my decision. That's just great. Now my morale is bad, too! I can't be proactive. I can't be empowered. And now I can't even be happy! You've bungled everything! You're a big bungler! Boss: Get out of my office. Wally: Well, say goodbye to the open-door policy!
The Boss: And those are the company priorities for the coming year. Any questions? Asok: Should I be concerned that none of my projects relate to any of those priorities? Wally: You're over thinking again. Asok: Sorry.
Filling in for the Pointy-Haired Boss A man says, "Does your department need its entire budget this year?" Dilbert says, "no, we'll waste most of it on empire building and appearing to work on trendy things." The man says, "All in favor of cutting this guy's budget in half?" Dilbert says, "I call do-over! Do-over!"
Alice says, "Today is Shelly's birthday. We should make her feel special." Alice says, "Do you still have that random stack of birthday cards you got on sale last year?" Dilbert says, "I'm all over it." Alice says, "She likes pets. The closest thing you have is an elf." Dilbert says, "Draw whiskers on it."
Dilbert says, "Our graphics department is too busy to help me and won't approve outside services." Dilbert says, "They're forcing me to fail so they can justify a bigger budget next year." Dilbert says, "If you need me, I'll be in my cubicle trying to imagine what futility doesn't feel like."
The Boss says, "Your quality metric for next year is to win 30% more bid proposals." Dilbert says, "No problem. I'll use my magic powers to control how much our competitors bid." The Boss says, "I worry that you're not taking this seriously." Dilbert says, "If the muggles find out, I'll wipe their memories."
The Boss says, "Employee satisfaction has doubled since last year!" The Boss says, "The credit goes to our new program of firing smart people." Alice says, "You're safe." Coworker says, "Yeff!!!"
Wally says, "I propose an unholy alliance." Carol says, "You have my attention." Wally says, "Reserve every meeting room under my name for the year. That way you won't need to do any scheduling, and I won't need to attend any meetings." Wally says, "Don't panic; that strange feeling is you falling in love with me." Carol says, "It feels like I'm eating cheese!"
The Boss says, "Make sure you coordinate with the brand manager and the category manager." The Boss says, "And also the clients, the account execs, the project leaders, strategic planning, facilities management, product managers, marketing, and I.T." Dilbert says, "All I heard was 'give up.'" The Boss says, "Let's meet again in a year."
Dilbert says, "You wrote that your objective for the year is to?" The Boss says, "?Obscurely toil to increase the unearned wealth of our parasitic stockholders." The Boss says, "I'll add 'and managers.'"