Ten Thousand Comic Strips - Page 26
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Dogbert sits on the hassock watching television. A newscaster says, "The budget for education was cut ten million dollars." Dogbert thinks, "Is that a big percentage? Does it make any difference?" The reporter says, "Congress considered a music safety law after studies showed a ten percent increase in piano-related deaths." Dogbert wonders, "How does that compare to other health risks? Should I be concerned?" The newscaster continues, "Lawmakers debated a bill to lower capital gains tax rates . . ." Dogbert thinks, "What do most economists think? Would it stimulate the economy much? Should I care?" The newscaster continues, "A new poll show that many voters have strong opinions on these issues despite the fact that we provide no useful contextual data." Dogbert walks away with his ears standing up. He thinks, "I've got to stop watching scary shows right before bedtime."
A woman tells Dilbert and Wally, "I'm collecting money for Mary's birthday gift." Dilbert asks, "How much do you want?" She replies, "Oh, it's totally up to you." The woman continues, "However, the usual accepted levels are, in effect . . ." She continues, "Ten dollars from her boss and anybody else who thinks it would improve his odds of becoming romantically involved with her." The woman continues, "Five dollars from male co-workers who feel their manhood would be threatened by a smaller gift . . ." She continues, "One dollar if you're a secretary or if nobody is watching . . ." The woman concludes, "Or you can just ruffle the money already in the envelope and act like you gave five." Dilbert says, "Let's say you fall into more than one of those categories . . ." Wally ruffles the money in the envelope. The woman thinks, "Engineers."
The Boss, Alice, Dilbert, Sally and Albert sit at a conference table. The Boss says, "Let's begin by going around the table and introducing ourselves." Dilbert says, "I'm Dilbert. I've worked for you for five years." Albert says, "Albert, six years." Alice says, "Alice, I've worked for you for ten years." Sally says, "Sally, eight years." The Boss thinks, "I KNEW these people looked familiar."
A newsreporter stands on the lawn in front of Dilbert's house. She says, "People have traveled from all over to see the miracle of the peanut butter." Behind the reporter, people with outstretched arms walk toward the house. Dogbert stands on top of the refrigerator collecting money. Dogbert says, "Step right up . . . Just ten bucks to see the face of Saint Ted appearing in my jar of peanut butter." A man opens the fridge and says, "Ooh! And I see Elvis in the Jello!" Another man says, "Only the King moves like that!"
Dogbert says to a woman walking on the sidewalk, "Excuse me, would you like to take advantage of our 'Model Evaluation Service?' Only ten dollars." The woman says, "Me? Gosh, I've never thought of myself that way. Yes, I would love to be evaluated." Dogbert says, "You're hideous . . . That's ten dollars." The woman looks angry.
Dogbert and Dilbert walk through the park. Dilbert says, "Hey, that's Miss Mulput, my old fourth grade teacher." Dilbert says, "Hi, Miss Mulput! Do you remember me - Dilbert?" Miss Mulput replies, "No." Dilbert says, "You used to make me write on the board a thousand times 'I will not be homely in class.'" Miss Mulput replies, "Oh, yeah. That was a good one." Dilbert says, "At the time it seemed like pretty strict punishment for chewing gum." Dilbert continues, "But that experience made me what I am today . . ." Dilbert continues, "An angry adult, obsessed with thoughts of revenge." Dilbert says, "You know, Miss 'Molepit,' if my dog had your face I'd shave his hiney and make him walk backward." Dogbert says, "Leave me out of this."
Dilbert sits at his desk. Dogbert asks, "Am I wrong or did you tell me you invested all of your money in stock options for a company called Zymed?" Dogbert continues, "The radio says the stock price tripled on takeover rumors. You just made about ten million dollars." Dogbert continues, "But they say money can't buy happiness." Dilbert replies, "Apparently 'they' are idiots."
Dogbert walks down the sidewalk and a man standing against a building whispers, "Pssst! Dog! Would you like to purchase Lenin's body?" The man continues, "Twenty bucks. He's in great shape . . . The king of commies . . . Not available in stores." Back at home, Dogbert pushes a man's body against the wall. Dilbert asks, ". . . And you talked him down to ten dollars?" Dogbert asks, "Do you like it better against this wall?"
Dogbert sits across from the Boss and says, "My code name is Dogbert. I'm an industrial spy." The Boss asks, "What makes you think my company needs your services?" Dogbert replies, "It's pretty obvious that you won't survive on your wits alone." Dogbert continues, "There's a rumor that Xypon Inc. is developing a tactical nuclear weapon to use against you." The Boss asks, "What exactly will you do for us?" Dogbert answers, "You give me fifty thousand dollars, then I disappear for a month and do secret spy things." Dogbert continues, "I'll return with information that only a spy or a regular newspaper reader could know." A man at Xypon Inc. asks, "How good are they, Dogbert?" Dogbert pulls a wagon full of money bags. He answers, "They're a bit gullible."