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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 07, 2014's comic on:


Tags #anger, #interrupting work, #jargon, #meeting with boss, #not enough passion, #stupid trendy, #performance evaluation

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Boss: You don't show enough passion for your job. Dilbert: Stop interrupting my work with your stupid, trendy management jargon! Was that better or worse? I don't know how to tell.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 09, 2014's comic on:


Tags #studies, #healthy exercise, #healthier lifestyle, #poor health, #ruin meeting, #attend stupid meetings

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CEO: Studies show that people who exercise are healthier. Wally: That's because people who are in poor health don't exercise. CEO: Why does it seem as if you ruin every meeting? Wally: Is it because I only attend the ones that are stupid?

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 08, 2014's comic on:


Tags #criminals, #office workers, #work ethic, #cesspool, #horrible office conditions, #better choices, #career criminal

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Dilbert: What's your son doing here? Coworker: Today is 'Bring Your Kid To The Cesspool Day." The idea is to show kids how horrible it is to work in an office. That way, they can make better choices and avoid a life like ours. Dilbert: Just out of curiosity, who told you this is "Bring Your Kid To The Cesspool Day?" Coworker: Wally. Oh. Child: I've decided to become a career criminal. Dilbert: Good luck with all of that.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 15, 2014's comic on:


Tags #optimism, #die younger, #ignornat, #comparison, #peers, #bright future, #better than me

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Dilbert: What a great day! Alice: What's all this nonsense? Dilbert: I"m trying to be an optimist. Alice: Studies show that optimists die younger. So this optimism thing just makes you look ignorant. And because my happiness is based on a comparison to my peers, I don't want your future to be too bright. Stop thinking you're better than me in the future! Dilbert: This is exactly why I want to die younger. Alice: You already knew that optimists die young? Dilbert: Yup! How's your plan working?

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 13, 2014's comic on:


Tags #chocolate, #dark chocolate, #think better, #scientific sense, #magical thinking

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Boss: Here's some dark chocolate. Studies show it makes you think better. Dilbert: Why are you suddenly doing things that make scientific sense, instead of your usual magical thinking? Boss: I just ate three pounds of dark chocolate. Dilbert: Wow. It works fast.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 06, 2014's comic on:


Tags #leadership, #smart way, #leading, #acting, #twisting, #hired idiots

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Boss: You didn't show leadership on your project. Dilbert: Are you saying I didn't do things in a smart way? Boss: Leading is different from acting in the smartest way. Dilbert: So... either I can do things the smart way or I can be a leader like you? Boss: Stop twisting things around! You need to be smart and you need to show leadership! You can't expect your team to do what you want just because it's the smartest path. Dilbert: Remind me which one of us hired those idiots.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 28, 2014's comic on:


Tags #deception, #laziness, #successful people, #start early, #really working, #boss, #first four hours

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Wally: Studies show that successful people can start early. Can I start work at 4AM and quit at noon? Boss: How would I know you were really working the first four hours? Wally: Same way you know now. Boss: I don't know now. Wally: It's like that but with less attendance.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 31, 2014's comic on:


Tags #mergers & acquisitions, #start up, #45 hours, #mandatory online training, #seven customers

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Boss: We got Randy by buying his start-up. Randy, Dilbert will show you how to access our 45 hours of mandatory online training. Randy: I quit. Boss: Well, at least we still have his start-up. Dilbert: And all seven of its customers, too.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 03, 2014's comic on:


Tags #apathy, #dangerously incompetent, #last day of work, #lazy, #software, #tell everyone, #train, #unwarranted confidence, #engineering

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Coworker: This is my last day of work, so I won't have time to completely train you on the software. But I can show you enough to give you unwarranted confidence, when you should be feeling dangerously incompetent. Dilbert: That sounds worse than doing nothing. Coworker: Before I leave, I'll tell everyone you're lazy.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 12, 2014's comic on:


Tags #employees, #learn from coworkers, #busy worers, #request, #no one helps, #learning, #business

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Boss: Asok, the best way to advance your career is by learning as much as you can from co-workers. Asok: Can you show me what you are doing? Alice: Come back in ten years when I'm not busy. Asok: No one will help me learn anything. Boss: You learned that!