Hate Tiny Guts Comic Strips - Page 27

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327 Results for Hate Tiny Guts

View 261 - 270 results for hate tiny guts comic strips. Discover the best "Hate Tiny Guts" comics from Dilbert.com.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 22, 2004's comic on:


Tags #new senior engineer, #ready for promotion, #5 year intern, #mean, #unfair, #poor business model, #department won't grow, #train new guy

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Asok: "I heard that you got approval to hire a new Senior Engineer." "As an intern, I have performed all the functions of a Senior Engineer for the past five years. I am now ready for promotion." The Boss: "I plan to hire someone from outside the company." "Must control tiny fists of intern fury." The Boss: "I have the approval to fill the Senior Engineer position but there's a ban on hiring new interns." "So, if I promote you, my empire... oops... I mean my department won't grow." Ask: "Gaaaa! My despair has turned into a searing psychological pain! Ow ow ow!" "That reminds me, I need you to train the new guy."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 18, 2004's comic on:


Tags #extreme makeover, #buisness, #Dogbert, #rework a face, #plastic surgery, #scary, #human makeover, #ears, #antlers

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Dogbert: "I'm going into the extreme makeover business." "I'm planning to take it to the next level." "You'd look good with antlers." "And the nose has to go." Man: "Go?" "Your tiny ears are out of proportion." "These are ears." "I'll also rearrange your fat so you can't see it." "I'll toss in a few extras after you're unconscious, no charge." "Guess how old I am."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 13, 2004's comic on:


Tags #balsting music, #musical choices, #psychopath, #egocentric antisocial behavior, #misguided attempt, #cognitive dissonance, #filter perceptions

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Dilbert: Excuse me. May I ask a question? You're blasting your music while your window is open, so Im wondering.... are you thinking that the people around you are enjoying your musical choices? Or are you a psychopath, prone y to ego centri , antisociale behavior? Or is it a sdeaspartae misguided attempt to improve your odds f finding a mate? Its actually a simple case of peer imitation and cognitive dissonance that causes me to selective filter my perceptions. I like that song. Great! Now I suddenly hate it! You ruined everything!

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 12, 2003's comic on:


Tags #evil, #great idea, #ignorant and worthless, #manage budgets, #poorly conceived, #project managers, #pummel with fists

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Asok enters The Boss' office and says, "I thought of a great idea." Asok continues, "You could let the project managers manage their own budgets... What?" Asok starts to look scared. He says, "You're giving me a look. I must try to guess what it means." Asok continues, "We don't do things that way? If it were a good idea you'd already be doing it?" Asok clutches his tie in fear and continues, "My ideas are poorly conceived?! I can't see the big picture?" Asok jumps back and exclaims, "Gaaa!!! I am ignorant and worthless!!" Asok punches himself in the face and exclaims, "I must pummel myself with my own tiny fists!!" He cries, "Ow! Ow!" Afterwards, The Boss says to Catbert, "They're kinda self-managed now." Catbert responds, "Very evil: I purr in your general direction."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 10, 2002's comic on:


Tags #extra funding, #extra network traffic, #hard data, #infinte capacity, #logic, #opinions, #science works, #weasel misrepresnting, #science

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Dilbert says to The Boss, "I don't think our network can handle the extra network traffic." The Boss replies, "Opinions don't matter to me. I base my decisions on hard data." Dilbert responds, "How about logic? Our network is already too slow and we plan to quadruple usage." The Boss responds, "Bah! Watch how science works and maybe you'll learn something." The Boss pokes his head out of his office and says to Doug, "Doug, come here for a minute." Doug says, "Our data proves that our network has infinite capacity, so your budget should be diverted to my project." Dilbert exclaims, "That's not science! That's a weasel misinterpreting data to get extra funding!" Dilbert comes home and says to Dogbert, "There are days when you really hate to hear the phrase 'po-tay-to, po-tah-to."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 26, 2002's comic on:


Tags #competitor, #better job, #employment agreement, #knowledge or skills, #crazy, #clamp, #suck, #took away, #verbal skills, #golf ball head

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An employee says to The Boss, "I quit. I got a better job with our competitor." The Boss responds, "Okay, but remember the employment agreement you signed." The Boss continues, "You agreed to not take away knowledge or skills you acquired at this job." The employee replies, "That's crazy. How can I stop knowing what I learned?" Catbert enters and says, "Come with me." There is a huge contraption with a suction cup. The employee looks up at it and asks, "Will this hurt?" Catbert responds, "I hope so." The machine clamps on the employee's head and makes the sounds, "Suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck." Catbert is working the controls. He says, "Ha ha!! I got your technical knowledge! And there go your verbal skills!" The employee has nothing left but a tiny ball for a head. He says, "Great. Now what do I do?" Catbert responds, "I'd stay away from the golf course."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 24, 2002's comic on:


Tags #performance review, #objectives, #play computer, #solitaire, #drink coffee, #valuable lesson, #reading documents, #signing, #games of solitaire, #something new, #employee of month

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The Boss walks down the hall and thinks, "I hate today.. I hate today." The Boss takes a seat by Wally in the conference room and thinks, "Wally's annual performance review." The Boss says to Wally, "Let's compare your objectives with.." The Boss pauses and then continues, "What the...?" The Boss says, "Apparently your objectives are "play computer solitaire and drink coffee." Wally says, "I hope you're learning a valuable lesson about reading documents before signing them." The Boss responds, "Okay, we'll use what we have. How many games of solitaire did you win?" Wally says, "Win? I didn't know you could win. Is that something new?" After the meeting, Dilbert approaches Wally and says, "He made you employee of the month?" Wally responds, "He thinks he signed a warning for my file."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 28, 2001's comic on:


Tags #human resources, #appearence, #being evil, #Catbert, #therapy, #session, #calls therapist hag, #debris, #jumps on anything, #eraser, #misspelled psycho, #business, #psychology

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Catbert is lying on a psychologist's couch. He says, "I'm a director of human resources." Catbert continues, "So naturally, I have to keep up the appearance of being evil." The psychologist asks, "But you find it difficult to do evil things?" Catbert responds, "No, I like that part of the job... Stop jumping ahead, hag." Catbert continues, "My problem is that anytime I see a tiny object fall to the floor, I jump on it and eat it." Catbert continues, "Sometimes I'm not even hungry and I know it's just a piece of debris but I can't stop myself." The psychologist says, "Oops.. I misspelled psycho." Catbert's voice is heard "No! Not eraser debris!" Catbert is heard from the floor, "#*!! @$& Quack!" The psychologist laughs and responds, "Who's a hag?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 10, 2000's comic on:


Tags #mapped genome, #hr dept, #had resources, #pencil, #technology, #predictions from genes, #genome, #dna, #work perfromance, #traits, #violation of rights

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Catbert approaches Wally and says, "I mapped your genome Wally." Wally replies, "I didn't know the human resources department had that technology." Catbert responds, "I used a pencil." Wally says to Catbert, "Your genes predict that you will be a bitter, lazy, caucasian guy with six hairs and poor vision." Catbert answers, "You'll hate cubicles, measurable objectives, and cats who map your genome." Wally says to Catbert, "This is a violation of my right to privacy! I'll fight it all the way to the Supreme Court." Catbert responds, "No, according to my map, you'll lose interest and fall asleep." Catbert says to Wally as he sleeps, "I wonder if this technology will ever fall into the wrong hands."

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 15, 2000's comic on:


Tags #old computer, #give to school, #hard drive, #tax accounting, #night mare, #school playground, #old refrigerator, #better idea

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Dilbert is standing in the boss's office. Dilbert says, "How do I get rid of my old computer?" The boss says, "Why don't you give it to a school?" Dilbert says, "Well, it would take me a week to find someone to take it." Dilbert continues, "The hard drive is broken and it has no software." Dilbert says, "And it would cause a tax accounting nightmare." The boss says, "Maybe you could leave it on the school playground at night." The boss continues, "That's what I did with my old refrigerator." Dilbert is standing by the playground swings, putting his computer on top of a refrigerator. Dilbert, standing by Dogbert, says, "What I hate most is that I didn't have a better idea."