Low Performance Rating Comic Strips - Page 27
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Wally says, "If I hire you, you'll get minimum wage to attend meetings and pretend you're me." Wally says, "My plan is to get hired for several jobs and replace myself with low-paid look-alikes in each one." Man says, "My plan is to bury you in a shallow grave and assume your identity." Wally says, "You don't interview well."
Dilbert says, "We added a new performance test, but learned that the test itself is flawed." The Boss says, "Now our product fails our own tests and our customers are asking to see the test results." Dilbert says, "Do I have permission to fake the test data?" The Boss says, "I didn't even know data can be real."
Carol says, "For the past five years I've managed your calendar based solely on what would create the least work for me." Carol says, "It all started when you told me to use my judgment to set priorities." Carol says, "In retrospect, you should have hired someone with low self-esteem."
The lucky sales guy man says, "My sales quotas were set too low. I plan to buy a yacht with my commissions." man says, "Would you mind programming the navigation system so I can get drunk while my boat takes me places?" Asok says, "Why are you researching where all the pirates attack?" Dilbert says, "It's better if you don't know."
the boss says, "Ted, business is slow, and I have to let you go." The boss says, "But I already did your performance review so I thought you might benefit from constructive feedback." Ted says, "'You're like a blister on a skunk's colon.'" The boss says, "A tiny one."
The boss says, "I can't give you a bonus because another division had huge losses." Dilbert says, "Remind me again why my bonus is tied to the performance of strangers?" The boss says, "I shouldn't tell you this, but we model our compensation program after practical jokes."
Man says, "Moving forward, we'll go after the low-hanging fruit at the end of the day." Dilbert says, "Ha ha!" Dilbert says, "I like the way you used humor to mock the vacuous way managers speak." Wally says, "Snork" Man says, "Which part was humor?" Dilbert says, "I'll just be quiet now."
Negotiating in a bad economy The Boss says, "My company is so poor that we need a 20% price reduction or we'll go belly-up." Man says, "My company is so poor that our only chance of eating involves throwing office supplies at low-flying birds." The boss says, "Shall we say 10%?" Man says, "Our health plan is 'Screaming.'"
The Boss says, "Carol, I'd like to talk to you about your career goals." Carol says, "My career goal is to take over the department by tricking you into a fatal accident, then telling everyone you're just working from home." The boss says, "That's not right." Carol says, "So you're saying I should set my goals low?"
Dilbert: I'm going to a singles mixer tonight. Do you have any advice? Dogbert: Don't I always?" "It's all about knowing what a woman needs. Find a woman who looks hot, carve her out from the herd and read this. Dilbert: What is it?" Dogbert: It's the ultimate pick up line. Dilbert: Um...Hi. Excuse me. Criticism completes me. woman: He's a keeper.