Most Valuable Emplyees Comic Strips - Page 28

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321 Results for Most Valuable Emplyees

View 271 - 280 results for most valuable emplyees comic strips. Discover the best "Most Valuable Emplyees" comics from Dilbert.com.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #create itself, #execute, #executives, #obliviousness, #strategy, #succeed, #meeting, #emplyees, #discussion, #business

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CEO: We can only succeed if we execute. Wally: How is that different from saying we can only succeed if we succeed. CEO: There's also the strategy. Wally: Does the strategy create itself?

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #employees, #managers & supervisors, #power (social sciences), #boss, #emplyee, #team members, #decisions, #all equal, #saprtacus, #business

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Boss: I dislike the words "boss" and "employee." From now on, we are all "team members." I'll be the team member that makes the decisions and gets paid the most. You'll be the team members I punish when things go wrong. Dilbert: But otherwise we are all equal? Boss: Whoa! Calm down, Spartacus.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #anxiety, #bad advice, #projects, #work load, #freaking out, #tackle, #unpleasant tasks first, #wrong order

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Dilbert: I have too many projects. I'm freaking out. Boss: Experts say you should tackle the most unpleasant tasks first, so you have a feeling of accomplishment and control. Dilbert: Now I have too many projects and some extra anxiety that I'm doing them in the wrong order. Boss: Off you go.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #criticism, #frankness, #goals, #honesty, #managers, #root cause, #bad parenting, #pointy headed boos, #underlings, #rapidly evolving nature, #talented employee, #boss life story

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Boss: You haven't achieved any of your goals for the year. What is up with that? Dilbert: Do you want an explanation that goes back to the root cause? Boss: Of course. Dilbert: The problem started years ago, when two idiots unwisely created a third smaller idiot. They compounded their mistake with bad parenting. The toddler ate candy and sniffed wet paint until he became a pointy-headed boss. The pointy-headed boss set goals for his underlings that ignored the rapidly evolving nature of the industry. Then he got angry at his most talented employee for giving an accurate answer to a question. Boss: I hate you. Dilbert: Nothing could halt the downward spiral.

Single Dilbert Is Valuable

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Single Dilbert Is Valuable - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #competition, #dating, #low standards, #Men, #market value, #single guy, #low bar, #tall, #employed, #height, #relationships

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Dilbert: I'm starting to realize that my market value as a single guy is higher than I thought. Men such as you have set the bar so low that all I need to do is have a job and be taller than most women in heels. I thought they were turned on by my tube clothing, but they actually like me for me. Wally: You're welcome.

Dating Is A B Testing

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Dating Is A B Testing - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #analysis, #comparison, #dating, #first date, #judging, #a-b testing, #click with, #analytics, #measuring, #too many questions, #relationships, #science

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Woman: Have you been dating a lot? Dilbert: I call it A-B testing. I go on dates and then compare the analytics to see who I click with most.Woman: What exactly are you measuring? Dilbert: Asks too many questions.

Marketing Is Only Legal Because It Doesn't Work

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Marketing Is Only Legal Because It Doesn't Work - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #etiquette & ethics, #marketing, #robot, #robotics, #slave, #technology, #emotionally manipulate, #marketing leagl, #enslave humans, #business

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Coworker: Sales are up 900% since we programmed our robots to emotionally manipulate their owners into buying upgrades. Dilbert: Um, you do know marketing is only legal because it doesn't work most of the time, right? Coworker; Nope. I do not know that. Shiny! Dilbert: We invented a technology to enslave homo sapiens?

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #executives, #ceos, #raise, #asking for a raise, #compensation, #money, #wages, #comparison, #wage discrepancy, #mansion

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Boss: I can only give you a 3% raise. If you want more, take it up with our CEO. Dilbert: I'd like to explain why I deserve more than a 3% raise. As a negotiating strategy, Dogbert will simultaneously read a media report about your lavish $85 million mansion. I invented three new technologies this year. Dogbert: "The toilets are solid gold." Dilbert: I wrote most of the code for our new product. Dogbert: "The helicopter pad is on the roof of the car museum." Dilbert: I worked eighty hours per week. Dogbert: "Every elevator has a full kitchen." Dilbert: I could earn more at Google or Apple... Dogbert: "Entire house rotates for optimal sun exposure." Dilbert: Do you see where I'm going with this? CEO: High-five?

Wally Is Employee Of The Year

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Wally Is Employee Of The Year - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #awards, #cheating, #deception, #patent, #catch-22, #work ethic, #laziness

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CEO: Our Employee Of The Year is Wally, for filing the most patents of any engineer in our history. Dilbert: How many have been granted? CEO: Well, most of them... I assume? Wally: How much coffee does this thing hold?

Ceo Tosses Catbert

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Ceo Tosses Catbert - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #executive, #ceo, #delegate, #respoinsibilities, #punishment

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CEO: You have been doing dumb things on social media. I am going to toss our evil director of Human Resources in your direction and run away. I love a lot of things about being CEO, but I think I love delegating the most. Boss: Gaaaa!!!