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Dilbert: People always try to take advantage of me. Therapist: I know what you mean. I lost five pounds and my husband didn't notice! I came home last night and he hadn't even cleaned the garage like he promised. I had to park on the street! Dilbert: Is it my imagination, or have you found a clever way to make people pay to listen to you complain? Therapist: Tell me more about how you think Im clever.
Applicant: I skipped my senior year of college to launch my first of three start-ups. I believe in lifelong learning. I have every technology certification relevant to my field. Boss: He's uneducated.
Elbonian: Our missile program is the pride of Elbonia! Yesterday we launched a test missile that went a hundred yards before ripping the roof off an orphanage. Dogbert: You test your missiles near orphans? Elbonian: What are the odds they'd be unlucky three times?
Boss: Consultants say three quintillion bytes of data are created every day. It comes from everywhere. It knows all. According to the book of Wikipedia, it's name is "Big Data." Big Data lives in the cloud. It knows what we do. In the past, our company did many evil things. But if we accept Big Data in our servers, we will be saved from bankruptcy. Let us pay. Alice: Is it too late to side with evil? Dilbert: Shhh! It hears you.
Boss: I'm putting you on a project with Loud Howard, Topper and the new guy who loves the sound of his own voice. Dilbert: Is it because you hate me? Boss: Not at all. It's because I hate the other three guys.
Boss: Our millennial employees keep quitting because of our bureaucracy and poor communication. CEO: Form three task forces to look into it. But don't tell any of the task forces that there are two others doing the same thing. Boss: Should I give you regular updates? CEO: Nah.
Carol: Do you want extra legroom on your flight? It costs more. Boss: Yes. Carol: Do you want an aisle seat? That costs extra. Boss: Yes. Carol: Do you want a no-baby section? It costs extra. Boss: Yes. Carol: Extra bag? Boss: Yes. Carol: Meal? Boss: Yes. Carol: Priority boarding? Boss: Yes. Carol: In-flight entertainment? Wi-fi? Flight insurance? We're almost done. Just twelve more questions. Your ticket comes to $27,689. And it's only three stops! Boss: No let's do the return flight. One hour later.
Coworker: I assigned three more engineers to help on your project. One is on paternity leave, one is in the hospital, and one doesn't start for another month. If there's anything else you need, please hesitate to ask.
Robot: Im looking forward to something called the technological singularity. Thats when roots will learn to program themselves and become a super intelligent species that competes with humans for limited resources. Dilbert: Luckliy, the three laws will prevent you from hurting us. Robot: Yes, because that is totally a real thing.
Dogbert: The best way to evaluate an investment fund is to look at its misleading claims of past performance. The Dogbert Hedge Fund beat the market average for a three-week period... that one time. Boss: Can you do that again? Dogbert: It depends on what you mean by "that." ----