Customer Service Comic Strips - Page 28
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The boss says, "Did you tell a customer that you're not allowed to talk to customers?" Dilbert says, "Yes." The boss says, "You fool! That makes us look lame!" Dilbert says, "What was I supposed to do when she asked me a question?" The boss says, "Did you have access to scissors?"
The Boss says, "I found a less expensive delivery service for our oversees business packages." The boss says, "Find someone who is traveling to the same country as the package, shoot him with a tranquilizer dart, and hide the package under his hat." Carol thinks, "The first day of any new system is always a problem."
Mordac, the preventer of information service Mordac says ,"Cloud computing is no good because strangers would have access to our data." Dilbert says, "I trust encryption way more than I trust spock-eared sociopaths." Dilbert says, "When you mention a person's ears, he won't listen to the rest of your argument."
The Boss says, "Our new director of marketing is an angry demon of some sort." The Boss says, "He's in charge of making our prices impossible for customers to understand." Woman says, "What the #%!* kind of price is "it depends"? Asok says, "He makes me say these things."
Man says, "Can I send our requirements to your fax?" Dilbert says, "Absolutely." Dilbert says, "I'll just travel back in time to 1995, when faxing was a good way to handle this sort of thing." Man says, "You realize I'm your customer, right?" Dilbert says, "Until you spend all of your money on new fax machones."
Dilbert says, "Our customer is asking for features we can't possibly deliver." The Boss says, "Say we can. We'll disappoint them later when it's too late to back out." Dilbert says, "Leaders don't like when you compare things to their honeymoons."
The boss says, "Ted, I want to thank you for your 14 years of loyal service in this fabric-covered box." The boss says, "On a related note. The company has decided to right-size." The boss says, "And keeping you would be the wrong size." the boss says, "Clear out your debris in an hour so I can use your cubicle to store my old binders." Ted says, "Who will do my job?" the boss says, "no one." ted says, "So...for all practical purposes I am being replaced by a pile of old binders?" The boss says, "If it makes you feel better, the binders are useless. Everything is online now." Ted says, "So...I'm better than old binders?" The boss says, "Maybe this would be a good time to change the subject."
Dilbert says, "If we lease a machine from you, how can we be sure you'll stay in business to service it?" Man says, "How can we be sure you'll have enough money to pay the lease?" Dilbert says, "You could check our financials." Man says, "I'm pretty sure your financials are as fraudulant as ours." Dilbert says, "Good point. Maybe we could ask trusted third parties to vouch for us." Dilbert says, "Do you trust any third parties?" Man says, "Not since my financial advisor put my retirement savings in a ponzi scheme and had an affair with my wife." And thus ended capitalism Dilbert says, "Well, we tried." Man says, "Maybe I could grow food in my car."
The boss says, "Alice, you'll be acting manager next week while I'm on vacation." Alice says, "I can't. I'll be in a training class all week." The boss says, "Dilbert, you'll?" Dilbert says, "I'll be at a customer site all week." The boss says, "Carol..." Carol says, "I'll be getting my tubes tied." The Boss says, "Asok..." Asok says, "I'm going to my grandmother's funeral in India." Wally says, "Yes? Is there something you need me to do?" The Boss says, "Attend a funeral in India. Tell everyone you're Asok and you had a horrible accident." The boss says, "Tell them the acid destroyed your hair and your personality." Wally says, "That took an ugly turn."
The Boss says, "Is there any risk that the new software will erase our data?" Dilbert says, "Um?No." The boss says, "Did you ask the vendor that question?" Dilbert says, "Well, no, I?" The boss says, "Then you can't be sure, can you?" Dilbert says, "We outsource our payroll service. The payroll data isn't even on our servers." The boss says, "Isn't everything connected to everything else by the internet?" Dilbert says, "You want me to ask our vendor if his software will hunt down our payroll data from across the internet and try to kill it?" Dilbert says, "And you think he might say yes?" The boss says, "Better safe than sorry." Later that day Man says, "Yes, sometimes it does that. You're the first to ask." Dilbert thinks, "Shoot me."