Customer Diservice Program Comic Strips - Page 29

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332 Results for Customer Diservice Program

View 281 - 290 results for customer diservice program comic strips. Discover the best "Customer Diservice Program" comics from Dilbert.com.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #emergency, #lostphone, #company id, #keys, #critical folder, #self generated crisi, #dead battery, #small brown purse

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Coworker: Emergency! I can't find my phone and I"m late for a customer meeting. Dilbert: Maybe it's with your company I.D. badge that you had to drive all the way home for this morning. Alice: It might be with your keys that you lost after lunch. Dilbert: Maybe it's under that critical folder that you couldn't find before your last meeting. Alice: Maybe it's wherever you created your last self-generated crisis. Coworker: I just remembered I put my phone in my purse because the battery is dead. Has anyone seen a small, brown purse?

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #fear, #inventions, #machine learning, #track customers, #machines take over, #annihilate all humans

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CEO: Our machine learning technology allows us to track customer preferences and use that knowledge to manipulate them. Dilbert: That seems like the step that happens right before the machines take over the earth and annihilate all humans. CEO: There's always one person in every crowd who says that. Dilbert: Not for much longer, apparently.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #technological singularity, #robots, #program themsleves, #super intelligent species, #competes with humans, #resources, #laws

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Robot: Im looking forward to something called the technological singularity. Thats when roots will learn to program themselves and become a super intelligent species that competes with humans for limited resources. Dilbert: Luckliy, the three laws will prevent you from hurting us. Robot: Yes, because that is totally a real thing.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #anger, #etiquette & ethics, #biggest customer, #random drug sample, #awkward

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Boss: Wally, I'd like you to meet the CEO of the company that is our biggest customer. Wally: I'd shake but I have coffee in one hand, my random drug test sample in the other, and I don't want either one to get cold. Hey, I'm not the one who made this awkward.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #excitement, #flattery, #respect, #companys success

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Customer Meeting CEO: The secret of our company's success is that we hire good people. Dilbert: What? Are you saying I'm good? I've never heard a compliment at work. What is that feeling inside me? Is it the thing called self-esteem? Customer: Awkward. CEO: Just ignore him. Dilbert: Behold my goodness!

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #cheeseburger, #dead man walking, #deception, #dried apricot, #heart, #inventions, #medical diagnosis, #program to hate, #neutrino sensor

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Wally: I programmed our robot to make medical diagnoses. It can scan your body using its neutrino sensor. Robot, please demonstrate. Robot: Dead man walking! Boss: What? Robot: Your brain is the size of a dried apricot. Your heart is more cheeseburger than human tissue. You will be dead in eleven days, six hours, and nineteen minutes. Boss: Gaaa!!! Robot: Why did you program me to hate people? Wally: It was easier than inventing a neutrino sensor.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #computers & peripherals, #inventions, #space flight, #experiment, #reality, #computer program, #created by aliens, #science

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Dilbert: My experiment proves our reality is a computer program created by aliens. What kind of jerks would yank us around like this? Alien Dilbert: Well, that was gonna happen... Meanwhile on Planet Epsilon-9...

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #thinking, #eureka program, #best ideas, #dry hole, #dude ranch

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Boss: We are introducing our "Eureka Program" to recognize that the best ideas come from employees. Wally: I have ideas? Boss: Well, that was a dry hole. Wally: Can I turn my cubicle into a dude ranch?

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #colonoscopy, #government access, #joking, #preventive medicine, #records, #surveillance, #terrorists

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Dilbert: The government wants access to our customer records so they can look for terrorists. Boss: Fine. No problem. Dilbert; They also want you to get a colonoscopy and send them the video. Boss: Really? Dilbert: I'm going to say yes.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #bossify, #deception, #fund ideas, #genius, #ideas, #customer support, #software, #budget approval, #delay projects, #low priority, #wise, #funding, #engineering

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Dilbert: You had a great idea bout upgrading our customer support software. Boss: I don't remember having that idea. Dilbert: It was genius. Boss: Well, that does sound like something I would suggest. Dilbert: We'll need budget approval, but that should be no problem for you. Boss: Duh. Obviously I'll fund my idea. It's genius. Dilbert: I'll need to delay my other project, but, as you said, those are lower priorities. Boss: I said that? Dilbert: It was very wise of you. Alice: How did you get funding for your idea? Dilbert: I had to bossify it.