Prison Talk Comic Strips - Page 29

You can also use "quotes" and & to narrow down results.

363 Results for Prison Talk

View 281 - 290 results for prison talk comic strips. Discover the best "Prison Talk" comics from Dilbert.com.

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 20, 2005's comic on:


Tags #pre meeting, #problems, #fix them, #budgets, #deadlines, #technical stuff, #any questions, #feel nauseated, #great job, #compliments

View Transcript

Transcript

Let's have a pre-meeting before your meeting with our vice president. "Don't mention any problems because he might try to fix them." "Don't say anything about budgets or deadlines because he might reduce them." "Leave out the technical stuff because it will only confuse him." "That leaves me nothing to talk about." "Perfect!" "Hello... And in summary. Are there any questions?" "Wow! That's the first presentation that hasn't made me feel nauseated or dizzy! Great job!" "Why does success make me hate humanity?" "They deserve it."

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 10, 2005's comic on:


Tags #regular goals, #stretch goals, #sacrifice health, #personal life, #criminal conduct, #bonus, #salaries below budget, #ultra stretchy, #employee rights, #taken advantage, #cheat employee

View Transcript

Transcript

"Here are your regular goals and here are your stretch goals." "What's the difference?" "The regular goals can be achieved by sacrificing health and your personal life." "The stretch goals require all of that plus some sort of criminal conduct." "I'm guessing that your boss gave uou the regular goals and you came up with the stretch goals on your own." "That way, When I achieve the regular goals you'll get a raise because I missed the stretch goals." "Then you'll get a bouns for salaries below budget." "Maybe we should talk about the ultra-stretch goals later."

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 03, 2005's comic on:


Tags #cubicle, #offcie, #meeting, #privacy, #geographically dependant, #benchmark test, #business

View Transcript

Transcript

The boss: "Dilbert, come to my office for a minute." Dilbert: "What's in your office?" The boss: "You and I will be there." Dilbert: "If you just want to talk, we can do it right here and save us both some time." The boss: "Maybe we need privacy, did you ever think of that?" Dilbert: "Do we need it?" The Boss: "No, that was just an example. There are many, many reasons why we should talk in my office." Dilbert: "I'll be fascinated to find out what kind of information is geographically dependent." The Boss: "Now, do you have the results from the Benchmark Tests?" Dilbert: "Yup. In my cubicle."

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 24, 2005's comic on:


Tags #director of marketing, #ideas, #undercuts authority, #boss, #putrid boss, #bullying, #initative, #hammered

View Transcript

Transcript

"I have a great idea." "I was chatting with the director of marketing and we...." "WHAT?!!" "Never discuss ideas with the director of marketing! Never!" "Erk!" "You work for me! When you talk to others managers it undercuts my authority!" "If I accept ideas from another manager, it's just like he's my boss!" "Amazing! Did you know that your behavior is described on page 27 of the 'Putrid Boss' Book? It's the chapter on killing initiative and bullying!" "That's fascinating. Now let me show you something that isn't in the book." "It looks like someone has been showing initiative." "Please shut up."

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 11, 2004's comic on:


Tags #pay calculated, #teal, #side conversations, #cilantro, #head will explode, #test theory, #better than hoped, #meeting, #table, #conference table, #business

View Transcript

Transcript

"You pay will be calculated a new way." "Then I said teal isn't a color." "Shhh! no side conversations." "Multiplied by the base salary." "I think it's a spice." "No side conversations." "It's like cilantro." "I can't help it. I'm the kind of guy who needs to talk or else it feels like my head will explode." "Let's test that theory." Mmmph! "Wow, that worked out better than I'd hoped."

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 09, 2004's comic on:


Tags #attend meeting, #mandatory meeting, #meeting mandatory, #approval, #bending rules, #handed out cash

View Transcript

Transcript

"Can I talk to you after the mandatory meeting?" "Whoa! Whoa! I didn't give you approval to attend that meeting." "The meeting is mandatory." "Approval is mandatory too." "Okay, whatever." "May I go to the mandatory meeting?" "All requests must be in writing." "It's mandatory!!! Man-duh-tory!!!" "If people start bending the rules, before long, murder will be legal." "That was the finest mandatory meeting I've ever attended! They handed out cash!" "Shut up."

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 20, 2004's comic on:


Tags #absorb project, #zombie employee, #flakey, #wide eyed, #not helpful

View Transcript

Transcript

The boss: Dilbert, you'll absorb bills project when he transfers. Dont worry, He'll tell you everything you need to know. The whatchamacallit has to be whatever or else the who sits will go hey hey. Now this is either the budget total or a fax number. Its absolutely critical that you....um...I lost my train of thought. Dilbert: do you have a list of key contacts? That would have been a good idea. Dilbert: Can I call you if I have questions? You can try. I love my coworkers, until they talk.

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 11, 2004's comic on:


Tags #300 year lifespan, #gullible nebula, #job outsourced, #relocate, #severance package, #spaceship detsroyed

View Transcript

Transcript

The Boss: Dilbert, this is praxis. Irecruited him from the gullible nebula. The Boss: I convinced him to relocate his family. Hello My spaceship was destroyed during the landing but thats no problem. I expect to work here for the rest of my 300 year lifespan. The Boss: That reminds me: we need to talk. Your job function has been outsourced. I had etc let you go. Your severance package is: I grab you by the snout and fling you onto the sidewalk. May I use you as a reference.

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 26, 2003's comic on:


Tags #boss, #Dilbert, #dont idel well, #freaks out, #gets phone call, #lost connection, #meeting, #sit still challenge, #mind body connection, #business

View Transcript

Transcript

The Boss calls after Dilbert, "Dilbert, come here for a minute." The Boss and Dilbert are walking towards The Boss' desk. The Boss says, "I need to talk to you about..." He is interrupted by the ringing telephone. The Boss is on the telephone. He holds up his finger at Dilbert. Dilbert thinks, "He's giving me the 'wait' signal." Dilbert continues to think, "I have nothing to look at, nothing to fiddle with, nothing to do." Dilbert continues to think, "I'll try thinking about how my mind controls my muscles." Dilbert's arms start shaking. He thinks, "Uh-oh... I'm getting too conscious of my muscles and it's freaking me out." Dilbert falls back and exclaims, "Gaaa!!! I've lost my mind-body connection!!" Dilbert is on the floor with his feet up in the air. The Boss says into the phone, "The problem with my engineers is that they don't idle well."

Thank you for voting.
 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 28, 2003's comic on:


Tags #employee moral survey, #open, #honest, #communication from management, #death spiral, #looting comaony, #noise, #fishing lures, #e, #ploys suffer, #boss likes hurting, #sick boss, #negative force

View Transcript

Transcript

"I have the results of the employee morale survey." "The number one issue is 'not enough open and honest communication from management.'" "Well, okay. I'm willing to give that a try." "Management is looting the company while hiding the fact that we're in a death spiral." "Whenever you talk, I think about fishing lures until the noise stops." "When I see an employee suffer, it excites me in ways I don't understand." "On nine separate occasions I've fired bald guys because I thought they were you." "If this doesn't work for you. Let me know on next employee morale survey."