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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 24, 1991's comic on:


Tags #Dilbert, #Dogbert, #executives, #regular, #people, #squash, #bug, #glass, #ceiling

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Dilbert sits in his desk chair. The Boss says, "You've been randomly selected to have lunch with a senior executive of the company." The Boss continues, "This is how the executives show that they are regular people, just like you and me." At lunch, Dilbert sits at a table wearing a suit jacket. The executive says, "I could squash you like a bug! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 18, 1993's comic on:


Tags #Dogbert, #ratbert, #neuroscience

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Dogbert and Ratbert sit on the hassock. Dogbert asks, "Ratbert, did you know that your brain automatically coordinates millions of activities every second?" Dogbert says, "Imagine if it got just a little bit confused - all those neurons firing randomly . . ." Ratbert waves his arms and legs uncontrollably. Dogbert says, "You don't add much to a conversation, but you're easily the best listener I've ever met." Ratbert screams as he falls off the hassock.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share March 03, 1997's comic on:


Tags #combine words, #ecosystem, #engagement manger, #ratbert, #seem smart, #walmart

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Dogbert says, "Ratbert, I'm going back into the consulting business and I need you to be my engagement manager." Dogbert continues, "You'll seem very smart if you randomly combine the words on this list and make many references to 'Wal-Mart.'" Ratbert sits at a conference table with Dilbert and the Boss. Ratbert says, "It's like 'Wal-Mart.' Migrate your value into the white spaces of the ecosystem." The Boss says, "Wow! That's one smart rat!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 23, 1995's comic on:


Tags #turning est, #artificial software, #repsonse, #on screen, #computer, #staretgy, #visonize, #enhance earnings, #motivate emplyees, #improve focus, #opportunity, #opinions, #redefine, #technology

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A man tells Dilbert, "You'll be performing a 'Turing test' on our new artificial intelligence software." Dilbert sits at a desk. The researcher continues, "Try to determine if the responses on your screen come from our computer or a human in the next room." Dilbert says, "I'll ask it to write a strategy for our company." The computer responds, "Our strategy is to visionize quality resources that enhance earnings." Dilbert thinks, "Hmm." Dilbert says, "I'll ask it how to motivate employees." The computer response says, "Reorganize often to improve focus. Redefine work as 'opportunity' and increase it daily. Take time to ask for opinions then explain why they're wrong." Dilbert tells the researcher, "It must be a computer because there's no human intelligence. Unless . . ." Dilbert looks into the next room and sees the Boss sitting at a computer. Dilbert says, "Nice try, boss."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 17, 1996's comic on:


Tags #cubville, #powerful leader, #solution unique, #brilliance, #contribution, #much better idea

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The Boss enters a row of cubicles and thinks, "The powerful leader enters Cubeville to inspire the wretched underlings." The Boss peers into Dilbert's cubicle and thinks, "He spots one of the little people in desperate need of a morale boost." The Boss thinks, "The leader carefully assesses the situation. Every solution is unique." The Boss says, "Try identifying the problem and then solving it." The Boss thinks, "The leader waits while the brilliance of his contribution sinks in." Dilbert says, "That's a much better idea than what I was doing." Dilbert continues sarcastically, "I've been sitting here all day randomly pressing keys, but you've shown me a better way!" The Boss thinks, "Suddenly the leader remembers why he rarely visits Cubeville." Dilbert says, "My morale is soaring."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share August 17, 1997's comic on:


Tags #uncertainty, #anxiety, #Wally, #no strength, #reorganzie, #downsize, #merger, #sarcasm, #cynicism

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Wally is driving to work. He thinks, "I have a vague feeling of uncertainty." At work Wally thinks, "It gets stronger at the office." Wally loses his balance and thinks, "The uncertainty saps my strength. My suitcase is getting heavier." Wally crawls on the floor and says, "Must.. get... to... cubicle." Wally leans back in his chair. He thinks, "The uncertainty feels like a piano on my chest." The Boss looks in on him. The Boss says, "I decided to reorganize... or downsize, unless there's a merger." Wally waves his arms about. Wally says, "I summon the unholy demons of Apathy, Sarcasm, and Cynicism!" Wally is surrounded by devils and demons. He says, "Good thinking! Reorganizations always increase profits!" The Boss thinks, "Wow. Third time today."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 03, 2004's comic on:


Tags #menagerlike work, #criticize, #reorganize, #key board, #hot slef, #noredom, #offcie, #re organizing

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The Boss: It's been a few hours since I've done anything managerish. I could criticize someone...nah. I could have a meeting...nah. Im reorganizing the department. Dilbert: excuse me while i beat myself with my keyboard.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share April 09, 2004's comic on:


Tags #accounting system, #profitable, #manage randomlt, #claim success, #funding, #hug

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"Our accounting system is so inaccurate that we don't know how profitable anything is." "It's so bad that you could manage randomly and claim success no matter what happens." "I was looking for funding, not a hug."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 06, 2006's comic on:


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Catbert: Evil Director of Human Resources "What?" "You've been randomly selected for a drug test." "I have a shy bladder. I can't produce under pressure!!!" "Do it now or be fired." "Thanks for understanding." "DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share October 07, 2006's comic on:


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I need to blame someone for the failure of Project Alpha. "Use the plunger of blame. It's the latest technology for randomly distributing blame." "Please tell me that someone is patting me on the back right now." BLAME