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Boss: We're going into the tablet computer business. And by that I mean other companies will make the product and we'll design the logo. And by that I mean we'll pay another company to design the logo for us. Alice: Can we watch?
Boss: Out budget for contact employees was eliminated. We'll have to pay you out of the training budget. So instead of doing the job yourself... you'll have to train Dilbert to do the job we're paying you to do. Dilbert: Why don't you just move some of the training budget to the contractor budget? Boss: If we reduce the training budget this year, we'll get less next year. Dilbert: So... you prefer paying two people to do the job of one? Boss: Right. Consultant: How do you stay in business? Boss: Our customers are even dumber than us.
Boss: Alice, can you take care of this by close of business today? Alice: Oogah-boogah! Work be done! Let's hope magic is real! Boss: We need to talk about your attitude.
Boss: Our company opposes passage of the new internet law because it would be bad for our business. But that sounds selfish, so we'll issue a press release saying the new law would impinge freedom of speech. Alice: So... we're selfish liars? Boss: You can't get more free than that!
Dilbert stands at a teller window at the Bank of Ethel. The teller says, "I spent all of your money. Terribly sorry." Dilbert says, "You what?!" Dilbert says angrily, "This is outrageous! How can you spend all of MY money?!!" The woman responds, "Oh, Mr. Moneybags, like it was SO MUCH." Dilbert puts his hands on his hips and says, "Oooh! I am ACTIVELY considering taking my business elsewhere!" The teller asks, "Are you making a deposit or just wasting my time?"
Dogbert sits at the desk with a calculator and paper in front of him. Dogbert tells Dilbert, "By my calculations, we can make millions by combining a mortuary business and a garbage collection business." Dogbert continues, "Our customers could simply leave the dearly departed by the curb for pick-up." Dilbert says, "Maybe we could add pizza delivery, too." Dogbert says, "Let's not push a good idea too far."
Dogbert sits on a bench with a man who says, ". . . I'll tell you why we're losing to foreign business: the workers in this country have lost their work ethic." Dogbert asks, "Why aren't you working now?" The man replies, "Well, now, this is a PERFECT example of what I'm trying to tell you."
Dogbert sits at a table holding some playing cards. He thinks, "I can't remember the rules for solitaire." Dogbert thinks, "I'll just put the cards in random piles and then declare myself the winner." Dilbert sits back in the chair and looks at the piles. He thinks, "That was surprisingly satisfying."
Dogbert sits across from the Boss's desk. The Boss says, "Why should I hire you as my business consultant?" Dogbert replies, "I have credibility because I don't work for your company. No smart person would work here full-time." The Boss says, "I work here full-time." Dogbert says, "Sorry. I'll try to speak slower."
Dogbert, who is wearing a turban, says to Bob the Dinosaur, "Nostradogbert predicts that the world will end within a hundred billion years." Bob says, "That's a big range." Dogbert says, "We in the business call it the 'Gross Prophet Margin.'" Bob says, "Oh yeah, I've heard of that."