Using Deception Comic Strips - Page 3

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410 Results for Using Deception

View 21 - 30 results for using deception comic strips. Discover the best "Using Deception" comics from Dilbert.com.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #wrong budget, #no probelms, #unrealitic, #failure, #deceptive forecstas, #believe the lie, #deception, #optimism, #few hours, #perfect budget

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"This budget would only work if the project encountered no problems whatsoever." "So?" "All projects have unexpected problems. Therefore, this budget is almost certainly wrong." "Leaders do not plan for failure." "Do leaders make deceptive forecasts and later act shocked when things don't work out?" "No." "A leader first makes himself believe the lie, thus turning deception into an inspiring form of optimism. Observe." "GAAA!!! BELIEVE! BELIEVE!" "The swelling will go down in a few hours. Then we'll have a perfect budget." "What?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #pet peeve, #cellphones, #restaurants, #public, #talk louder, #just rude, #decides whats rude, #commitee, #common sense, #drive through, #using microphone

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Dilbert, Dogbert, and a woman are walking outside. The woman says, "My pet peeve is when people use their cell phones in restaurants." Dilbert asks, "Why? Do they talk louder than the other people in the restaurant?" The woman responds, "No. It's just rude." Dilbert asks, "Who decides what is rude? Is there a committee?" The woman responds, "It's common sense. You're not supposed to talk into electronic gadgets at a restaurant." Dilbert asks, "What about a drive-through place? Is it okay to order your food using the microphone?" The woman is visibly frustrated. Dogbert answers his cell phone, "Yello." Dogbert says into his cell phone, "Hi, Ratbert... Yeh, he made the mistake of talking... The goodnight kiss is a definite no-go." Dogbert continues into the phone, "No, it's not awkward, but thanks for asking."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #cheeseburger, #dead man walking, #deception, #dried apricot, #heart, #inventions, #medical diagnosis, #program to hate, #neutrino sensor

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Wally: I programmed our robot to make medical diagnoses. It can scan your body using its neutrino sensor. Robot, please demonstrate. Robot: Dead man walking! Boss: What? Robot: Your brain is the size of a dried apricot. Your heart is more cheeseburger than human tissue. You will be dead in eleven days, six hours, and nineteen minutes. Boss: Gaaa!!! Robot: Why did you program me to hate people? Wally: It was easier than inventing a neutrino sensor.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #cancel service, #deception, #dogcart document, #garbage trucks, #service business, #storage

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Boss: We've been using The Dogbert Offsite Document Storage Service for five years, and frankly, I'm concerned. Your service trucks look suspiciously like garbage trucks. I would cancel your service if I could find the contract. Dogbert: It's in "storage."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #conversation, #deception, #insincere compliments, #make likable, #didn't spill, #no change

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Dilbert: I read that using people's names and giving insincere compliments will make me likeable. Good job pouring that coffee, Wally. You didn't spill a drop. Wally: I don't feel any different. Dilbert: Maybe the problem is on your end.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #deception, #work ethic, #huge losses, #stock up, #big raise, #similar system, #lowering expectations, #employee of the year, #job perfromance

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Wally: We announced huge losses, but analysts thought it would be even worse, so our stock went up. I'm using a similar system to get a big raise. For years I've been lowering everyone's expectations of my performance. Next I'll... I made a phone call today. Boss: Employee of the year!

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #address, #address of meeting, #anger, #driving, #gps, #inattentive, #lost, #meeting, #naviagte, #navigation system, #snap, #using phone, #business

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Dilbert: Whats the address for our meeting? The Boss: You don't need it. I'll tell you where to turn, Dilbert: With all due respect you are not a reliable navigation system. You will be using your phone and you will forget to tell me when to turn. Dilbert: If I point out your inattentiveness you will snap at me,. Dilbert: I wil be seething with anger for the entire drive, while wondering if I am already lost and don't know it. or you could tell me the address now. The boss: You don't need it. I'll tell you when to turn. AN HOUR LATER Dilbert: must... not drive...over...cliff....

Wally's Stealth Drone

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Wally's Stealth Drone - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #deception, #deceit, #drone, #technology, #invention, #fake

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Wally: In my right hand is a standard drone. In my left hand is a drone using the cloaking technology I invented. Voices: Ooh! Wow! Wally: I'll demonstrate it flying as soon as I finish the noise cancellation. CEO: Employee of the year!

Boss Using Phone

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Boss Using Phone   - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #cell phone, #distraction, #managers & supervisors, #sarcasm, #technology, #business, #disrespect, #hear, #face mask

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dilbert: are you listening to me? it looks as if you are using your phone. boss: i can do two things at once. dilbert: i'll bet you can't even hear me, you ridiculous moron. boss: uh-huh uh-huh go on. dilbert: you smell like old socks, and your brain is made of cheese.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Tags #business ethics, #work ethic, #work-life balance, #implies life is impirtant, #work-life intergration, #big thanks, #never had a life

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Catbert says, "We're no longer using the term 'work-life balance' because it implies that your life is important." Catbert says, "Now we call it 'work-life integration' so it's easier to make you work when you would prefer being with loved ones." Catbert says, "And I'd like to give a big thanks to those of you who never had a life." Dilbert says, "You're welcome."