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Dogbert: I declare myself the patron saint of technology. I heal broken technology with my right paw and I use the scepter to drive out the demons of stupidity. Dilbert: I don't think Ive seen your spiritual side before. Dogbert: OUT! OUT!
The Boss: Well, well, It looks like Zumbu has designed another commercially viable product using only his tail. Dilbert: I could have done that....If I hadn't erased my hard drive when I installed my security software. I don't produce much, but its very secure. Monkey: Heres another one.
The Boss, Wally, Dilbert, Alice and a man sit at a conference table. The man says, "This job has taken my dignity, my self-esteem, my creativity and my precious time on this earth." The man continues, "You've taken all I have! There's nothing left to give!!!" The Boss says, "The blood drive is next week. This year it's mandatory . . . And a three-pint minimum."
Wally and a man stand in line at the blood drive. The man says, "I don't mind donating blood . . . It's good for society . . ." The man continues, "But I'm worried that our company is getting too competitive about how much we give compared to other companies." Dilbert leaves the blood drive saying, "Man, I'm thirsty!!" His head and body have shrunk to half their normal size.
Dogbert sits on his pillow thinking, "'Corn starch' . . ." Dogbert thinks, "Stores sell it, but who buys it?" Dogbert thinks, "Who irons corn anyway?"
Dogbert, Alice, Wally and a man sit at a conference table. Dogbert is wearing a bishop's miter and holding a scepter. Dogbert announces, "I am Saint Dogbert. I have come to drive out the stale and overused jokes about the information superhighway." The man comments, "Sometimes I feel like roadkill on the information superhighway!" Dogbert knocks the man out with a blow to the head. Dogbert faces the reader and says, "Don't make me come over there!"
Dilbert, Wally and a woman from marketing sit at a conference table. The woman sits in front of a computer and says, "It's time for marketing to put the glitter on this software you've created." She continues, "With my guidance this will become the premier data backup software!" Wally says, "Bear in mind that we said it would take six months to write it." Dilbert says, "You only gave us a month." The woman says, "We'll fix the bugs in the next release. Tell me about the features." Wally says, "At this point, all it does is erase your disk drive." Dilbert adds, "Unless you're on a network." The woman asks, "What happens if you're on a network?" Wally replies, "It erases everybody's disk drives." Wally continues, "And heaven help you if you have a modem . . ." Dilbert says, "It calls all your friends and erases their PCs." The woman says, "We'll call it 'QuikProtect.'" Dilbert adds, "If you have a sound card it swears at you."
A man reads Dogbert's resume and asks him, "Your resume doesn't list any experience as a jet pilot, Mister Dogbert." Dogbert says, "How hard could it be?" Dogbert continues, "You could spend a lot of money on some pretty boy pilot with experience, or you can save a few bucks and have ME drive the corporate jet." The man says, "I AM under a lot of budget pressure . . . And I'm not allowed on the jet myself . . ." Dogbert asks, "It has a pilot eject seat, right?"
Wally says to the Boss, "I don't understand how the new reorganization will help us 'focus on our core business.'" Wally continues, "Did our core business change? Or are you saying that EVERY reorg prior to this was a misdirected failure?" The Boss asks hypothetically, "Wally, when a car gets a flat tire, what do you do?" Wally answers, "Well, if I'm you, I rotate the tires and drive home."
Dilbert sits at his computer. A message on the screen says, "Your new software is successfully installed. Do you want to send your registration info by modem?" Dilbert says, "Yes." A message says, "The software has found your credit card number and is placing orders for new products it thinks you need . . . Please wait." Dilbert says, "Uh." The message says, "Making room on your hard drive . . ." Dilbert says as he loads a rifle, "I can't tell if it's a virus or just excellent marketing." Dogbert holds the box of ammunition and adds, "Either way . . "