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Dilbert and a woman sit at a table in a restaurant. The woman says, "I haven't dated much since I came down with puppetitis." The woman continues, "It's a rare disorder that makes your hand act like a puppet." Dilbert replies, "That's weird." The woman moves her hand like a puppet and says, "He hates us! We must kill him!" The woman says to her hand, "Not yet, Ginger!"
Dogbert hands a photograph to a man behind a desk and says, "Here is photo proof that I completed my hit-man contract on Dilbert." The man replies, "Excellent." Dogbert says, "Here he is, sitting lifeless in his stuffed chair." The man looks at the picture and says, "It looks like he's just watching television." Dogbert says, "Technically, my contract doesn't say I must kill him. It says I must 'prove he has no life.'"
Dilbert stands next to a man in a military uniform. Dilbert says to Dogbert, "The government sent a General to kill me for talking about my encounter with space aliens." Dilbert continues, "I was scared at first, but when you think about the government's track record, well, my odds are pretty good . . ." Dilbert continues, "Especially after all the budget cutbacks." The General says into a walkie-talkie radio, "Dang it! Where's my air support?!!"
Dogbert and a man in a military uniform sit at the table. Dogbert says, "General, I don't understand why the government is trying to cover up all the U.F.O. encounters." The General replies, "People would lose faith in their government if they knew aliens were abducting people and we were helpless to stop them." Dogbert says, "So, to maintain confidence in the government, you use our taxes to kill the citizens who find out?" The General asks, "Is that so bad?"
Ted says to Dilbert and Wally, "Everybody pick a straw. The loser has to kill our abusive co-worker, Floyd." Ted says, "Dilbert loses. He picked the blue straw." Dilbert says, "I thought the SHORT straw loses." Ted replies, "You're already a murderer; don't be a cheater too."
Dilbert and Dogbert sit on the hassock. Dilbert says, "The guys in the office decided that somebody must kill Floyd the budget manager because he's so mean to us." Dilbert continues, "They want ME To kill him. But I can't do it. I'm a LOVER, not a killer." Dogbert replies, "Technically, you're neither." Dilbert asks, "Is that MY fault?"
Dilbert stands in front of Floyd's desk and says, "I've got to tell you, Floyd, that your co-workers are so fed up with your attitude that they asked me to . . . Uh . . . Kill you." Floyd screams, "What??!" Dilbert says, "Heh-heh . . . Of course there's no way I'd actually . . ." Floyd grabs his throat and says, "Erk! Mmph . . ." Floyd falls off his chair. Dilbert thinks, "I'm really going to have to dress this up on my quarterly accomplishment report."
Wally enters wearing a court jester costume. Dilbert asks, "What's the story with the costume, Wally?" Wally replies, "The Boss put me on a special task force to see if humor increases creativity. I have to dress like this for a month." Dilbert asks, "Are you feeling more creative?" Wally replies, "Yeah. I've already thought of six hundred ways to kill him,"
Dilbert and Dogbert walk in the park. Dilbert says, "The great thing about being human is that I'm superior to all other animals." Dogbert asks, "On what do you base that absurd conclusion?" Dilbert replies, "Humans have the ability to kill any other animal. Therefore, we are superior." Dogbert says, "You could be slaughtered by chipmunks if they ever decide to gang up." Dilbert responds, "But they wouldn't decide to do that. That's why humans are superior." Dilbert continues, "Chipmunks waste their days by eating nuts and playing instead of plotting ways to kill other species." They sit down under a tree. Dogbert says, "It's futile to argue with you." Dilbert replies, "Thank you." A chipmunk in the tree says, "I say we kill him. Is anybody with me?"
Dilbert sits in a jailroom. Dilbert says, "I bet I've gone to jail more than the average law-abiding citizen." Dogbert replies, "I plan to defend you by proving your victim was a temp worker." Dilbert asks, "It's legal to kill a temp? Really??" Dogbert says, "Now all we need is a jury of your 'peers.'"