alice: why are you looking at your phone while i'm answering your question?
dilbert: because our answer has nothing to do with my question, but i didn't want to be rude and interrupt you.
alice: i'm giving important context.
dilbert: text me when that part is done.
boss: alice, you did not meet your goals this quarter.
alice: that's because my goals are totally unrealistic and were created by a.moron. i hope you meant it when you said you want us to be honest with you.
boss: i didn't expect you to act on it!
in office building
boss: okay, team. we can get this done if we trust each other.
alice: that's not a thing.
dilbert: i don't trust any of you.
boss: maybe we can pretend.
dilbert: i'd need to pretend we're different people.
asok: i rarely see you working. how do you get away with it?
wally: it's easy. i just wait a day before answering any texts or emails. for example, here's alice asking if i can attend a meeting in an hour. i'll answer her in the morning and say i didn't see her message. And here's dilbert asking me for some data. tomorrow, i will text him to ask for clarification, and he will tell me he found the data on his own.
asok: don't you feel guilty?
wally: nah. they'd do the same to me.
asok: and do they?
wally: they would if i didn't ignore them first.
boss on video conference with dilbert and alice.
boss: we're going to start having zoom happy hour every weekday to boost morale.
dilbert: you're the only one in the entire department who drinks alcohol.
boss: you're all looshers.
alice: did you already start drinking?
boss: i love you!
asok: alice, i want you to know that i hear you and i value you.
alice: that's terrific maybe you could stop talking to me in that super creepy and condescending way.
asok: yes, queen.
alice: who broke you?
boss: headquarters has released a new list of things you are not supposed to say when visiting our elbonian factory.
at the top of the list, never say "glfalawah" to an elbonian.
alice: because it means something naughty?
boss: because it isn't a word.
dilbert: i'm getting addicted to hand sanitizer. it started with my hands, but over time, i extended it up to my forearms, then behind my ears, and it just kept going.
dilbert: want a squirt?
alice: i don't know where that thing has been.
alice: i've noticed that none of my critics are intelligent. smart people always seem to agree with me.
dilbert: what makes you think they are smart?
alice: because they agree with me. i have to give you a maskless "duh" for that.
alice pulls off face mask: duh!
alice: you did great work on this...which has the tragic effect of making my work look less good in comparison.
dilbert: will you be punishing me for my good work?
alice: yes, but think of it as you not being selfish.
