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dogbert: can you please stop talking so loudly on your zoom calls?!!! dilbert at home in front of laptop: i'm sorry, but i pay the mortgage, and i have a right to make as much noise as i want in my own house. dogbert: oh, wow. did you really play the "mortgage card" on me? dogbert: this is war! wait until you see what i do in the background of your next zoom call. i don't want to ruin the surprise, but think of the number-one worst thing you can imagine me doing. are you picturing it in your mind? it's bad isn't it? now imagine at the same time i also start doing the second-worst thing you can imagine. dilbert: noooo!!!!
boss: dilbert: i need to fire you for your social media activities. dilbert: did i say something offensive? boss: i'm getting reports that you follow bad people on twitter. dilbert: i follow people on both sides of every issue so i can see the full context. boss: that might sound good on paper, but half of the people you follow are monsters of one sort or another. dilbert: isn't it obvious that enforcing this kind of standard can only lead in a bad direction. boss: no, i don't see that at all. all i see is that you associate with people who are monsters. ceo to boss: i'm getting reports that you follow dilbert on twitter.
dilbert: do you prefer that i focus on one of my projects at the expense of all the others... or should i spread my attention across all of my projects and do low-quality work on all of them? and your answer cannot involve magic. boss: can i hear the choices again.
office worker: we need to think longer term about how all of these dynamics play out. dilbert: sounds reasonable. what exactly were we doing before? office worker: i can't speak for anyone else, but i was making random decisions and hoping i'd change jobs before anyone found out.
in board room. boss: industry trends just turned our way by total luck. we have to act fast! i need to implement some kind of change so it looks as if i caused the increase in profits that will happen anyway. does anyone have any ideas? dilbert: no, because we're already perfectly situated to take advantage of the trend. boss upset: that doesn't help me! i can't take credit for our future profits unless i do something i can say made a difference. dilbert: maybe you could implement some sort of bogus company culture training program. one week later. dogbert presenting on a stage: it's important to realize you're all idiots.
dogbert: i'm dogbert, doctor of the impossible. boss: does that mean you cure diseases that are believed to be impossible to cure? dogbert: no, that sounds boring. i prescribe treatments that are impossible to follow. when you fail you don't get better. you'll think it's your own fault. boss: how does that help anyone but you? dogbert: hey, i'm not the one who brought it up. boss: you're giving me a headache. dogbert: to cure that, i suggest ice-cold baths every six minutes.
wally: we're having cake in the conference room for ted's birthday. dilbert: i don't like ted. wally: no one does. we didn't invite him. dilbert: then why are we having an event for him? wally: we like cake?
wally: they say the laziest employees are the best because they know how to be efficient. i don't think i get enough credit for all of my efficiency. boss: efficiency only matters if you are doing something useful. wally: you're the one who gives me my assignments. boss: i don't ask you to do anything useful because you are too lazy. wally: are the useful projects generally harder that the useless ones? boss: yes. wally: then i'd say the system is working.
Tags #business, #business ethics, #managers & supervisors, #qualities, #character, #cancel, #micro-manage, #lazy, #backstabbing, #brave, #lie, #credibility, #believe, #employees, #success, #manager, #random, #sarcasm
boss: all of my bad qualities see to be canceling each other out. for example, i want to micro-manage my staff, bi=ut i'm too lazy. and i want to do some corporate backstabbing, but i'm not that brave. i enjoy lying, and i'd like to do more of it, but my credibility is so low that no one believes me. i want to mock my employees for their mistakes, but i don't understand enough about what they do to know when they are doing it wrong. i want to take credit for the successes of my employees, but i don't give them enough support to succeed. carol: our set just called. he says he is naming you the manager of the year. boss: he must be deeply uninformed. carol: yes, but he's also lazy, so he pocked you randomly.
voice coming from phone: as soon as robot intelligence is indistinguishable from home, the robots will rule the earth! dilbert: i don't recognize this number. who are you? please don't say a robot. voice: let's just say only one of us will rot.