Buy Products Comic Strips - Page 3
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389 Results for Buy Products
View 21 - 30 results for buy products comic strips. Discover the best "Buy Products" comics from Dilbert.com.
Wednesday September 15,
1993
Tags #Dogbert, #blame, #consultant, #willy, #individual, #employee, #innovative, #products, #pioneer, #markets, #processor, #stinks
Transcript
Dogbert is hired as a blame consultant. Dogbert: The company's problems are your fault, Willy. You blame the senior executives, but it is you- the individual employee-who must build innovative new products and pioneer new markets. Willy: But I'm just a word processor I was hired to type. Dogbert: I've seen your typing. That stinks too.
Thursday January 06,
1994
Tags #boss brain, #profitable, #cut costs, #selling products
Transcript
"The boss's brain." "Hummm." "Theoretically, if I cut costs enough we'll be profitable without selling any products." "How do they get the ink in these things?"
Thursday February 10,
1994
Tags #delight customers, #fire everybody, #price of products, #slogan, #stop meetings, #we waste your money
Transcript
The Boss: "We must constantly ask ourselves what we can do to delight our customers." Alice: "We could stop having these meetings, fire everybody in the room and lower the prices of our products." The Boss: "I was thinking more alone the lines of a slogan." Wally: "How about, 'we waste your money'?"
Wednesday April 13,
1994
Tags #committed to buy, #cost justify, #ethical, #execuitve, #translate, #vendor, #weasel, #words
Transcript
Weasel: tell me about your project and I'll translate it into weasel words for the business case. Dilbert: well, and executive had lunch with a vendor and committed to buy some stuff that doesn't work. Our job is to cost - justify the decision. Wesel: I quit Dilbert: Don't get all ethical on us.
Monday September 19,
1994
Tags #big tech show, #curly haired guys, #salmon, #spawning opportunites, #vast sea, #indistinct products, #trade show, #facial hair
Transcript
Dilbert: I'm going to the big technology show. Dogbert: what do you do there? Dilbert: I will wade though vast sea of mostly curly haired guys with facials hair and glasses and I will look at thousands of indistinct products, Dilbert: Its like salmon returning to it birthplace. Dogbert: But without the spawning opportunities,
Thursday September 29,
1994
Tags #new strategy, #tech support, #that customers, #user manual, #defective products
Transcript
The Boss: Our new strategy is to make defective products and charge for technical support. Heh- heh ...our user manual is totally incomprehensible. we didn't plan it that way - we were lucky, Dilbert: Im so proud to be here. The Boss: It all came together when I realized I hate our customers.
Wednesday October 26,
1994
Tags #planning to focus, #products killing people, #steal office supplies, #studies are flawed, #urban areas, #advertising
Transcript
"Dogbert: Ethics Advisor" "We know our products are killing people, but we're claiming the studies are flawed." "We're planning to focus our advertising on the youth markets in poor urban areas." "So, given all that, is it okay for me to steal office supplies?" "I'd have to say yes."
Tuesday November 01,
1994
Tags #product development process, #buy in, #managers, #happy if dead, #executive oversight, #issues, #blind, #looked at bulb
Transcript
The Boss points to a diagram and says, "Problem: our product development process requires buy-in from managers who'd be happier if we all died." As he puts a new transparency on the overhead projector, the Boss says, "My solution is to create executive oversight groups who don't understand the issues and don't have time to meet." Wally and Dilbert watch as the Boss looks into the light and yells, "I'm . . . I'm blind!" Dilbert says, "You looked directly at the bulb again."
Monday February 13,
1995
Tags #quantify contributions, #designing future products, #billion daollars, #track numbers, #boss, #Dilbert
Transcript
The Boss hands Dilbert a document and says, "I'm asking everybody to quantify their contributions to revenue. Your pay will depend on it." The Boss continues, "I realize this is hard to quantify because you're designing future products but . . . " Dilbert writes a figure on the paper and says, "Here you go." The Boss reads what Dilbert wrote and says, "A billion dollars? It's as if you cynically believe we can't track these numbers." Dilbert replies, "That crossed my mind."
Monday February 27,
1995
Tags #excellence in teaming, #nearly ready, #complete buy in, #make decsions, #squirrel migration patterns
Transcript
The Boss, Dilbert and another worker sit at a conference table. The worker says, "I'm happy to report that the 'Excellence in Teaming' read-out is nearly ready." The worker continues, "It's taken forty people from a dozen departments to complete the study. We finally got complete buy-in." Dilbert asks, "Is that the study of why we can't make decisions?" The worker responds, "Originally. But it evolved into more of a discussion of squirrel migration patterns."