Come Running Comic Strips - Page 3
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ALIEN: I came from a distant planet to bring you advanced technology, but no one here will listen!" "I am a superior being, you moron! Listen to what I tell you and then do it!" THE BOSS: I fired him before he started yammering about Linux." Catbert: Easy come, easy go."
Wally says, "I invented a sink that attaches to my body. The faucet is activated by your voice." The Boss says, "Wally, what possible use could this stupid thing have? I need you to do some real work." Wally says, "What? I can't hear you when the water is running!"
Dogbert: "Ratbert, I want you to be my vice presidential running mate." "Your job is to be so unpopular that no one will want to assassinate me." Ratbert: "I can do that!" Dilbert: "Seriously. Stop campaigning on my shoe." grrr!!!
The Boss: "Alice, see me at the end of business today." Alice: "Ohmygod, ohymygod, what corpse floated up from the ocean floor? I can't wait seven hours. Gah!" Seven hours later Alice: "What?! What?! What?!" the Boss: "Can you come back tomorrow?"
The Boss interrupts a meeting and says, "Dilbert, can you come with me to a meeting?" Dilbert responds, "Actually, no. I'm running this meeting and it took three weeks to get everyone together." Dilbert says, "If I leave now, sixteen people will be wasting their time." Wally says, "I'll cover for you." Dilbert says to Wally, "You will?" Wally replies, "Sure. Just leave your notes and I'll take care of it." Dilbert follows The Boss and says, "What's the meeting about?" The Boss responds, "It's not exactly a meeting." The Boss, "I need someone to drink the crud on the bottom and then brew a fresh pot." Back at the meeting, Wally calls a vote, "All in favor of leaving before he gets back." Everyone raises their hands. Dilbert returns to an empty meeting. He thinks, "It looks like I'll be exaggerating my accomplishments again this year."
The Boss says to Alice, "Alice, you need to use your vacation time before the end of the year." Alice responds, "I don't have time. I need to finish my project." The Boss responds, "I'm sure that a highly trained engineer like you can find a solution." Alice responds, "Well.. I could say I'm on vacation and come to work as usual." The Boss responds, "No. I can't count it as vacation unless you're not in the building." Alice responds, "Okay.. I could take home my computer and work there." The Boss says, "No... You're not allowed to access our network remotely." Alice stands outside and leans through a window to use her computer. She thinks, "#!&#% worst vacation ever."
Tags #natural disasters, #disaster preparedness, #famine, #keyboard, #crumbs, #alene invasion, #kill a coworker, #lizard people, #impending collison, #asteroid, #running in place, #earth rotates, #planet, #hit by asteroid, #human flesh, #presentation is a disater
Wally: I've been asked to explain our disaster preparedness plan. In the event of a famine, turn your keyboard upside down and shake. If it's anything like mine, you'll find a pound and a half of crumbs. In the event of an alien invasion, your best bet is to kill a co-worker to show your allegiance to the lizard-people. In the event of an impending collision with an asteroid, try running in place while the Earth rotates. If you time it right, you'll be on the other side of the planet when the asteroid hits. To prepare for every other type of disaster, I recommend cultivating a taste for human flesh. Boss: Your presentation is a disaster. Wally: And next time you'll be prepared for it.
Coworker: Our ads are so bad that they increase sales for our competitors. Boss: Try running ads for our competitors and see if it increases our sales. Dilbert: Strategic incompetence? Boss: I didn't get this far by luck!
Dilbert:you scheduled the end of the test phase after the start of the production phase. we're feeling confident. Dilbert: ist too bad that being smart doesn't come with some sort of good feeling like that.
The Boss says, "Asok, get me the reliability stats for our previous model." Asok says, "I am fairly certain the data does not exist." The Boss says, "Wally can show you how to get it." Wally says, "Come with me." Wally says, "You start by typing random numbers into a spreadsheet." Asok says,"Then what?" Wally says, "Then you're done." Wally says, "All business data is intentionally misleading. I just take it to the next level." Wally says, "A deep understanding of reality is exactly the same thing as laziness." Asok says, "That can't be right." Wally says, "Have you ever seen a statue of Buddha jogging?"