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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share February 11, 2003's comic on:


Tags #cold, #addicted, #rx drugs, #six months, #coffeemaker

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Wally and Dilbert are at the coffee machine. Wally says, "I heard you had a cold." Dilbert responds, "It wasn't a cold." Dilbert continues, "I was addicted to prescription drugs and I grew an exoskeleton. I've been in rehab and surgery for six months." Wally responds, "Just to be clear: Can I catch any of that by touching the coffeemaker after you?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 11, 2003's comic on:


Tags #stay home husband, #support career, #chocolate, #hot and cold, #bobby, #didn't hear

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Alice says to the man in the apron, "Bobby, I'm looking for a stay-at-home husband to support my career." Bobby responds, "I'm sorry - I was thinking about chocloate, and I didn't hear a word you just said." Bobby walks away and says, "Br-r-r-r, I'm cold. Now I'm hot. Now I'm cold!" Alice thinks, "This will take some work."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 04, 2003's comic on:


Tags #make exceptions, #created on seeing machines, #dead dinosaurs, #animal prodcuts, #naked, #electricity from oil

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Mike the Vegan. Mike: I use no animal products whatsoever! Dilbert: Your clothes were created on sewing machines that used electricity from coal and oil, and those come from dead dinosaurs. Mike: I need to start making exceptions.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share September 11, 2003's comic on:


Tags #created time line, #identified resources, #revise timeline, #re examine, #thousand ways, #haven't done anything

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Wally: "In only one week my project team has created a time line and identified the resources we need." "Next week, we plan to revise the time line and re-examine our resource needs." "Good work." "There must be a thousand ways to say I haven't done anything." "Wait.."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 30, 2004's comic on:


Tags #car, #late, #cold, #car wouldn't start, #warm out, #wind chill factor, #no actual car, #lied. boss, #excuse

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wally: I'm late because my car wouldn't start in the cold. The boss; Its warm outside. allyL theres a little thing called the wind chill factor. Hello - o - o -o!! Dilbert: that was wrong on many levels. wally: Someday Im gotta get a car.

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share July 16, 2005's comic on:


Tags #cure for cold, #side effects, #coughing, #store throat, #runny nose, #congestion, #nausea

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"I invented a cure for the common cold." "The possible side-effects are coughing, sore throat, runny nose, congestion and nausea." "So...it's a pill that makes you nauseous?" "Only if you have a cold."

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share November 01, 2005's comic on:


Tags #flashy, #hot flashes, #suddenly hot, #burning, #cold, #cubicle near thermostat

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"Everyone meet our new team member, Flashy." "GAAA!!! Suddenly so hot!!! Burning!!!" "Flashy will be in the cubicle by the thermostat." "C-c-c-cold!"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share June 26, 2007's comic on:


Tags #serial personal problems, #in love, #medical school cadaver, #bad decisons, #acting cold, #boyfriend acting cold

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Nancy, the employee with serious personal problems Nancy: "I'm in love with a medical school cadaver." Alice: "Do you ever think that maybe your personal problems are caused by your own bad decisions?" Nancy: "How's it my fault that my boyfriend is acting cold?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share May 21, 2000's comic on:


Tags #behind schedule, #created without knowledge, #future, #wild guesses, #surrigates, #knowledge, #project dealines, #trade, #show dates, #failure assured, #apologize, #budgets are created

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The Boss asks Dilbert, "Can you explain why your project is behind schedule?" Dilbert answers, "Yes. A schedule is an artificial device created without knowledge of the future." Dilbert goes on to say, "Wild guesses are used as surrogates for knowledge." Dilbert says to the Boss, "Project deadlines ae tied to trade show dates instead of reality." Dilbert continues his explanation, "Then management cuts the budget until failure is assured." Dilbert says to the Boss, "I assume you called me here so you can apologize for your role in all this." The Boss sits in his chair looking puzzled and amazed. Dilbert then asks the Boss, "Would you like to hear how budgets are created?"

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 - Dilbert by Scott Adams

Share January 10, 2007's comic on:


Tags #cold learning, #cruelest, #don't wear a coat, #first lesson, #good liar, #sales support engineer, #seeking advice, #how to lie

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Dilbert: I'm a sales support engineer now. Can you teach me to be a good liar? Dogbert: Sure. Meet me on the porch, and don't wear a coat; the cold will help the learning. The first lesson is always the cruelest."